Spiritual peekaboo.

It seems I’m having difficulty trusting myself.

It’s not that I don’t ever, but it fluctuates, and with interpersonal relationship hiccups it seems I’m floating in the distrust spectrum. Working on that, but definitely hesitant because of my failures in recent history.

Yet today one of my residents with MS, whom has a very plain-Jane super common American name, told me that her middle name was Reghandi (I’m spelling that based on the sound and my vocabulary awareness). I suspected it was another instance of a resident picking up on a message for me, so I asked staff what her middle name really was. The only problem is that none of them knew her real middle name, or at least that they would relinquish to me. So now I’m not sure.

All I do know is that the last 5 years I thought I was getting better at translating energetic information. Yet nearly every time I say something to someone about what I’m getting, I’m essentially told that I’m completely wrong. For a while I only said things if I was feeling very certain and like I was getting pushed into saying something. Now I can’t even bring myself to do that.

The last few times stung too badly, and I’m gun-shy.

I tell myself that they are either in denial, or that I freaked them out, or that I was scary accurate about something they’d rather hide. It helps to not completely hate on myself, but the doubt is there nonetheless.

So now with things like my lady’s random off the wall comment about her middle name, I’m not sure whether it means anything for real or not.

I now feel like my intuition is a bunch of B-S and I spend all day apologizing to myself and trying to ignore all of my twinges. I have very much withdrawn in a lot of ways, and it’s starting to affect my mood. Of course, not having taken any significant time for me in the last 2 months isn’t helping either. Merh, what can you do?

Finally, I have completely given up on relationships for now. I’ve decided that my heart already gives love to so many people, who could care less, that I’d rather not add any more to that. There’s options for me to do so, but I’m coming to terms with loving things/people that I can’t seem to align with, despite my best efforts. I’d rather just have the ones that are already in my heart, so I’m doing my best to figure out how to release the faulty programming/beliefs that led to this connundrum to begin with. Maybe I can fix the alignment issue and not have to start over. I just don’t know, doubts cloud that as well.

May you all trust your intuition even when you’re told otherwise. May you know what’s good for you and understand energetic input. May you know what to say and how to act with all of it. May you find the alignment you seek. May you feel accepted as yourself. May you feel the love in regards to both yourself and others. May you feel supported.

Siva Hir Su

Memories of love never fade, part 2

This week I have taken a lot more time to attempt to find cooperation within myself. I have come to a conclusion that my 6 roles of people I love, as well as elements of my health puzzle, are both tied to something in me that prevents elements from cooperating and working together. There is something, some belief, that has caused a chain reaction of things I love failing to work together properly. Examples would be: the flavors I love failing to be what my pancreas and digestive system want, the people I have attracted and love so dearly failing to accept all of me including my Nathan and kids, Etc.

So, despite not feeling like I really trust myself or my intuition, I am determined I will figure it out. In the meantime I’m choosing to focus on things that already work or produce happy thoughts. It takes the sting out of the puzzle and my self-isolation. It smoothes out the rough edges of my otherwise uneventful days of self-induced lonliness (some things must be experienced and resolved alone).

Anyway, after having my stroll of love down memory lane in my last post, I began to remember all of the resident stories that have helped me to see the permanence of love.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I work with elderly through contracts with multiple facilities ranging from Independent Living 55+ apartments to high security dementia facilities. Over nearly a decade I’ve come in contact with many people that have little to no memory, but all of those which are still able to speak have always shared stories of love.

I remember many stories from my one lady who is now well over 100. Her husband was a pilot and she had 4 kids with him. She tells me all the time how wonderful a man he was and how she spent all her time trying to keep up with the boys. At this point she’s lost so much of her memory that she frequently forgets he’s already passed away, and will often ask if he’s on his way to pick her up. I always go along with the story, but find it amazing when after all the years without him, and having so little memory left she can remember how much love they shared.

Yet she is not alone. I have had many just like her.

Mrs. A would always look at her husband’s picture and tell me how he was a good looking guy that all the girls wanted, but he was hers. He was her good man. He was absolutely the best she could have hoped for. She used to long just to be with him again and prayed for her life to end so she could rejoin him. I think she has.

One of my ladies had 3 husbands. One was no good she said. She loved him, but he didn’t take care of himself and died leaving her a single parent to 3 kids. The second was a scoundrel that upon his death left her and the kids with massive debt to repay, and the 3rd she loved, but there was a prenuptial agreement that protected them both. They entered marriage independent and when his kids put him in a memory care facility she filed for divorce to again ensure independence. She would rather be completely on her own than greedy step-kids possibly harming her for her life savings. She always said “I did it my way” but would still tell me stories of her moments of love with each of the men, and get weepy over romantic love songs. My favorite was her story of being in Ireland with husband 3 staying at a little cottage in the countryside, I pictured a very charming man, suave yet very down-to-earth. I think of her and her 3 husbands and hope one day I’ll be telling stories of my poly-family and admitting the worst problems were overcome with a little patience.

I’ve had the privilege of being around several couples which even after multiple decades married still got along extremely well.

There was Mr. & Mrs. S who traveled the world together, spoke multiple languages, and would make dirty jokes even though they were in their upper 80’s. He was a charmer and she was very independent but aimiable. They took turns teasing or scolding each other. It was quite adorable. They told me many stories of their travels together and some awfully funny moments that are the kind that only happen to seasoned partners in love (probably because they would break immature relationships).

Then there was Mr. and Mrs. A. They were both very quiet, but always glued at the hip. She told me of when they first got married. She said he wouldn’t have made it through basic training if it weren’t for her doing his laundry and getting him ready every day. He would just smile sheepishly and say “that’s no lie”. They were so sweet, still are. I only see them once in a while, but every time I do it warms my heart.

One couple, the husband had very severe dementia, and his wife would visit 2 to 3 times a week, sometimes more. She would say he doesn’t remember me, but I told her what I saw. I watched a man that couldn’t find her name on the tip of his tongue, but would light up with joy when she visited. I watched the same man cry after she left and get angry with staff when they wouldn’t let him follow her. He just knew he loved her even though his brain wouldn’t remember how to make the words work to convey it. I know that feeling. I have been there when my allergen induced depression prevented words and all I could do was cry. It’s the love behind it all that matters.

My own dad, just beginning to really show dementia, can’t understand why mom left. He only remembers the good things. He only remembers the loving moments. He doesn’t understand that she remembers the other not-so-good moments because her memory is still fresh. He wants her back, but she’s not able to do that because she was hurt and the wounds still sting. My dad still loves her, and she admits she loves him, but just can’t be hurt anymore. She says she’s too old to put up with the hurts just because she loves him. She does better alone, she swears, but I know her lonliness sometimes makes her wonder.

There are so many stories like these, and I’ve only worked with elderly for 7 years. I can’t imagine how many stories more seasoned staff have. It is a huge comfort to me, a wonderful reminder, that at the end of everything, love always prevails, even when hurts have happened.

The human spirit is resilient, but love is the most resilient of all.

May you feel love, for yourself, for a significant other (or 2 or 3 or 4); for children, pets, and extended family. May that love carry with it many many good memories that last until your dieing day. May you always find those memories of love within reach and easy to recall. May you always be able to express your love easily and have it accepted by those hearing your words. May you love yourself as much as any other. May you always find the perfect way to express your love, and may you always trust yourself and your intuition.

Siva Hir Su

Memories of love never fade.

I love my husband. I know he is far older and in not-so-preferred state of health. Yet I love him just the same.

My first love, and the only one whom has stuck by my side through thick and thin.

The thick being mud so deep a tow truck was called, chicken shit packed hay that took the two of us 3 hours to shovel, snow so deep we were snowed into a house without heat, ice so thick it downed power and cut us off from each other for nearly a week.

Thin being food stamps and charity when his heart failed, when both of us were working the only jobs to be had and both of us together didn’t get even 40 hours a week, when several car repairs later we coached each other through a 90 mile but 7 hour drive home due to a bad fuel filter which later cost me all of $5 to replace myself.

The only one who shares my hopes and dreams enough to do his best to support our journey together.

He’s had as many hopeful dates ending in love lost as I have. He’s tried to build family as much as I have, while still putting me first in his life. He helps me save money and helps me repair our finances. He fixes me food and drink nearly every day. He cares for our children and makes sure they are educated well, in a city that rarely enables that for it’s population. He protects us all by keeping a watchful eye on everything.

He holds me when I have weak moments, and knows when I act out, I’ve just temporarily lost the battle to my inner demons. He may not be as physically strong as he used to be, but emotionally he has greater strength than anyone I know.

I remember our first kiss as vividly as my favorite childhood moments. I remember the first time he explored my belly, it went no further, just a tender moment of true appreciation. I remember the time we stood outside our work and I put my hands to his heart and literally felt the love radiating from him. I remember his beautiful eyes, so beautiful I drew them and labeled it “Loving Eyes”. People still immediately recognize it’s him when they see the picture.

I remember days when he chopped logs to have grand bonfire parties. I remember camping trips at Gaea, fun festivals full of social moments during the day and intimate moments at night. I remember the first time he scolded me into relaxing and taking a proverbial chill pill. I remember the first time I asked him to take nude pictures of me so that I could see what he saw, and how beautiful it made me feel.

I remember the thousands and thousands of miles we traveled together. Many to see Anya, some for small trips or vacations, and many more for our work. I remember our first home together, the old farmhouse that Anya’s mom abandoned. I remember hunting mushrooms and asparagus on that land and picking raspberries, peaches, apples, and pears from those trees.

I remember all of our pets together. Long walks with the labs Drew and Lily and cats Mara and MeiMei all trotting along beside us. I remember Drew and Lily having such great fun with Anya in a kiddie pool on hot summer days. I remember happy frustration over a third sofa being destroyed because Drew sat on the back like a cat. I remember the fire that nearly took down the garage, when that same sofa had sat outside one too many days while I contemplated burning it, and thus caught fire all on it’s own. I remember not one, but two different sets of chickens being picked off one or two at a time, thinking the second time around we are really not good chicken parents.

I remember so many moments. Loving and kind, good tempered and patient. Those are the best moments because those never fade. Holding hands, embraces and kisses. Moments of undivided attention, blessed with God’s love. No matter what happens in our future together, I will always have those good moments in my memory. I will cherish them until my dieing day, may that be many years from now.

May you all find those moments in your memory. May you know love. May you long for more of those moments as much as I do. May you feel your connection to your loved ones and God. May those beautiful memories crowd out any others. May you have more wonderful memories than not. May you find the love for yourself as much as for any other.

Siva Hir Su

Throuple or Quadouple?

The lyrics above, I took a screenshot of: Alan Walker’s “Faded”, has been a reoccurring song reminder of my SJ. I do often wonder if that exchange is my own personal Atlantis, and still hope it’s not.

Regardless of that reminder appearing in my day, I had originally set out to write today to discuss a new, but not really new to me, concept.

I was introduced to the word-invention: Throuple.

I got very excited because the person that explained it was a woman I’m attracted to. I was psyched that she knew of polyamory topics enough to introduce a new word to my vocabulary.

So, the word itself I’d never heard before, yet the concept is one Nathan and I have discussed many times over. Essentially, based upon my new search, it’s a variation of the family of 3 concept, started by a somewhat famous/infamous triad of two men and one woman.

Once upon a time “ménage à trois” was the French phrase that many English speaking people used to describe a man with 2 women. Literally the French phrase can mean any family of three, even 2 parents and a child. However for whatever reason it often was innuendo for a triad of adults, usually 1 man and 2 women, being intimate.

Nathan and I were labeled unicorn hunters when we intended to seek that out. After many failures, we decided to redefine our acceptable arrangements and open ourselves to more options.

Fast forward a decade and I’m sitting having a conversation with a very attractive potential mate. She proceeded to describe a Throuple as really any 3 or 4 adults, but her ideal was one or two women and two men because women are more complex than many men. We connected intensely in that conversation.

I explained to her about having been labeled unicorn hunters, and that we opened ourselves up to more options. So, even though I’d never heard the word, we had discussed for many hours over many years, our preferences and okay concessions.

I agreed with this person on most everything and a few of her points made Nathan think more deeply. My current ideal is flexible in quantity, hence creating Quadouple, even quincouple (don’t want to get it confused with the babies’ quintuple). However, I do agree with women being complex enough to need more people to meet more complex needs. Plus there is always benefit to multiples in creating flexibility. The 4 or 5 concept can be subdivided multiple ways, and in varying combinations to create a seemingly unlimited way to experience each other. {A+B+C and D+E, or A+D and B+E with C being alone, and so on.} You get the idea, lots of ways to be together or separate as each individual prefers at any given moment, and it’s not restricted to intimacy, that can even been in mundane interactions.

So yes, I was very excited to have new vocabulary for existing concepts in our experience. I haven’t been able to get that conversation out of my head, and it’s been 3 days since our Valentine’s Day date. Perhaps this is a new leaf enabling more moving forward. I’m hesitant but excited.

Bonus, the date was at a Mexican restaurant that pushed literally every allergy button while getting drunk, but I took extra allergy meds, and came through the experience in relatively good condition. I did have a fair hangover with significant inflammation, but was able to manage the effects with Advil and more allergy medicine and a good amount of detox tea. I was a bit sore in joints the following day, but managed to stay out of the hole I used to fall into.

Beyond our exciting V-Day date, I had a half day off for my family to honor me with a small pleasant birthday celebration, and spent the rest of my weekend unpacking boxes that had been in storage for years. It enabled even more beautification of our new home. It was a good few days, and I look forward to more and more enjoyable days like that.

May you all find good reminders of your hopes and connections. May you find reasons to be excited moving forward. May you find exciting validation of your goals and preferences. May you find people you are attracted to, and whom are attracted to you as well- reciprocation. May you have good dates, fun holiday cerebrating, enjoyable birthdays, and good times with family. May you feel attractive, accepted, loved, and supported. May you fall in love more than out of it. May you know God is helping and guiding you. May you feel confident in everything working out for the best. May it all always be okay.

Siva Hir Su

Character on the stage of life.

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.” -William Shakespeare

My one brother, at the wedding in October, told me that he had no idea how I did it. He was referencing my life and the hours I work and everything I do for my family. This is the brother I have always felt had his shit together the best. Of all our family, I thought he was the smartest, I thought he was the most disciplined, I thought he was the most organized and well respected.

Yet, here he was telling me that he had no idea how I did it, and my only answer was: I had to, I didn’t really feel I had any other options. Between loving my husband, and being raised that welfare and social programs were a necessary unwanted evil, as well as divorce being a last resort, I just knew it was sink or swim. I chose to swim the best I could, and I think most of us would aim for that.

I have played meek and I have played strong. I have played timid, bashful, and shy; yet also confident, outgoing and talkative.

I have played the hard worker, the dependable, the confidant. I have over-played my hand and underplayed my skills, but managed by the grace of God to be successful in my business and support my family. I have surprised and delighted many and disappointed probably twice as many. I have been well spoken and diplomatic, but other times I have inserted foot-in-mouth. I sometimes make the best joker, but other times miss the joke all together.

I’m a fierce warrior like Joan of Arc, that frequently wishes to run and hide, rather wishing for a better Knight to save me. And spiritually: Jesus couldn’t reach me for the burden of my childhood, so I found Shiva as an adult (really they are one and the same, 2 aspects of the same divine masculine).

I’m a mother who gave birth to two beautiful healthy children and helped a third start her life. I’m the father that fixes what’s broken, makes a better home, and provides for it all. I have lady parts, but men’s hormones and hair- just not enough of them to count for their benefits. I’m attracted to both, and want them all to love me and get along with each other.

I’m an animal lover guilty of having consumed more than my fair share of non-pets. I’m a creative artist that can do calculus, though a bit rusty at both right now. I’m an excellent massage therapist, and decent musician and cook.

More thought correction

More words, attempting to convey feelings and processes I’ve been working through. A continual effort toward self-improvement. A continuation of the last few posts.

I’m trying to do what this song speaks to:

I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Still figuring out what God and my inner being want to be/feel loved. So far I have figured out the following.

  • I like being shown genuine appreciation and attraction, but I have been lied to so much in my life I’ve begun to believe everyone is lieing to me. Plus knowing I don’t fit the standard of beauty (by a long shot) makes me believe I am just receiving lip-service when I am told I’m beautiful.
  • I love loving and being loved, but I’ve lost so many people whom I loved, that I’ve begun to cut myself off before I get hurt. I’ve also been afraid of letting new people in at all.
  • I like being given money or gifts of any kind really, but I’m so afraid of not knowing how, or being able to repay it that I hold it off. The one exception is massage tips because I know they are a gift of showing ones appreciation for a job really well done, and I’m not expected to repay them.
  • I like knowing that I’m doing better financially, but I’ve had to work so hard for what little I do have that I’m afraid that everyone is out to get me, take advantage of me, or rip me off. I honestly thought that someone I loved was being manipulated enough that they or the manipulator wanted to make me pay- extortion. In reality I can see that they might have thought I was attempting to do that level of manipulation, and they were just trying to protect themselves.
  • Because I constantly feel others emotions, but don’t always understand their origin or reason, AND they are most frequently from the more negative spectrum- I have begun to assume that people are lieing to me, that there’s no love, and that I should distrust everything.
  • Putting elements like these together has caused me to cut 3 people off which I care very much for. I hurt them accidentally and now I’m afraid of making things worse.

1) Why does all of this unravel in such a way that everything is excruciating and progress is slow, not to mention the painfulness of realizing you have it all wrong and have to start over again and again?

2) I know we’re not here to get it done, or fix anything, but sometimes the solutions are so complex or hard to find that it seems like a never ending goose chase. I wish that some of these belief puzzles were less taxing on my system and easier to solve.

3) I keep “returning to the essence” to forget everything for a bit, but it always wears off. Why doesn’t my stupid brain learn better and let go of all of it in a more prolonged way!

So I love… (Without the fears and hang-ups).

  • Gifts and money being given to me.
  • Being appreciated and having people express what they find attractive about me.
  • Being loved and loving others.
  • I enjoy being appreciated.
  • I like knowing my finances continue to gradually improve.
  • I prefer feeling with understanding. I prefer experiencing that with positive emotions.
  • I prefer knowing my ability to feel combined with my intelligence is what keeps me safe. I love feeling safe and protected.
  • I enjoy being held, especially in strength which encourages the feeling of safety.
  • I love having conversations where I get to learn more about someone I care for.
  • I love being creative.
  • I love finding solutions.
  • I love finding and maintaining peace.

May you figure out your hang-ups easily. May you find your solutions. May people be forgiving of your mistakes. May people be genuine, truthful, honest, and caring when sharing thoughts of you. May you find the believing place where you feel a knowing of their truthfulness. May you find and maintain your peace. May you feel the love. May you find a way to make things right. May you allow your own happiness.

Siva Hir Su

Callibrating to well being.

Someone read a post of mine recently-“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” (stats gave me the post, but readers are anonymous except for country of origin). It was from 2.5 years ago, during a very rough patch when I had just conceived Katherine. Rereading the post myself I realized how much further I have come.

As I’ve said many times before, I’m not perfect, but I am aiming for better. I am reaching for improvement daily. I still don’t understand everything, but I do appreciate that I am, generally speaking, in a much better place.

Last night I felt relief when I was able to christen my home office by treating Nathan to a real massage. I fulfilled a promise made 45 days ago. It was long over due, being his last actual massage was nearly a year ago, and when he finally sat up he thanked me. He said, that’s why your clients love you, you turn them to jello. He never really regained brain function, going to bed about an hour after I finished the massage. I knew I was successful in getting him to really relax.

Today I was fortunate enough to spend some of my usual work day with my kids at the homeschool Valentine’s Day party. It was good fun with lots of sugar, running and screaming. I had given kids allergy medicine before leaving, but I wanted to set a good example. In a nearly 3 hour window I stuck to mostly fruit and had 3 bite size cheesecakes (sans crust). Not perfect, but far from where I have come. I literally had a conversation with myself when the addiction started nagging. I told myself to walk away because even though my mouth loves it, it’s really hard on the rest of my body.

Nathan again was there by my side congratulating me. He reminded me of how many of those functions I completely failed and that several times I only made it 15min. Not only did I nearly make it through, but my cheesecakes were the least addicted item I could have chosen. I literally picked the least detrimental option.

I’m so getting there. One little increment at a time. My body may or may not ever show the changes I’ve made, but I’m proud of my small miracles of accomplishment. I feel so much better every time I have a win like that. I wish that for everyone.

I will keep reaching for my well-being, I will keep calibrating to better. For me MC Yogi has been a lifesaver, especially his track “Ganesha (Sound the Horn)”. I keep replaying several of his tracks to stay buoyant, but one line from that track has become my own mental mantra: “Return into the essence and set yourself free”. It literally lifts my vibration just repeating it over and over in my mind. I am utterly grateful for that.

May you all find your magic mantra. May you all feel moments of personal success. May you all experience the little miracles at work. May you have your moment of known improvement. May you find what you seek and be solution oriented. May you acknowledge your self and express gratitude to yourself when you have the little wins. May you genuinely appreciate yourself and your divine connection.

Siva Hir Su

Functionally ready!

My time for me this evening was finishing my home office as close as I could for functionality.

I’m still missing a small round side table and my hot stone warmer and the massage table bolster. They will be found and added to the room ASAP. I also remembered that I need to find and hang duplicates of my credentials. In the mean time, I can use the bolster from my portable table, and deal without the other 2 items. My office is as ready as need be for now.

Everything thing in this room we either already had, or purchased at thrift very inexpensively. The exception being the small bit of lumber for the desk and the area rug (which was on clearance at IKEA).

I’m so excited. My graphic design computer is in my custom closet built-in desk, which conveniently hides behind a curtain when the room is being used for massage. Regardless of my purpose of using the office I can close the door and have peaceful focus. It makes me soooo happy. I have earned this moment a thousand times over.

Now I can schedule Nathan’s first massage in ages, as well as a couple of trades to get myself caught up and less achy.

Here’s the nearly finished product.

No time to get down.

I’m on a wild goose chase trying to figure things out about myself. There is old programming in my brain that needs rewriting like a computer, and I’m just not certain how to accomplish that.

My intuitive input told me to look at my early childhood as that is where programming started. I just wasn’t sure what I was looking for so I sent my mom an email to ask. I simply asked her what she remembered from when I was about two years old.

This was most of her reply (I cut some unrelated info):

I got you a big baby doll for your 2nd birthday. It was almost as big as you. Dad got fired from his job, I was working at a nursing home, we got into the moble home based on my income only and moved to Randolf acres. I worked overtime so that I could buy you the green turtle sand box. I thought dad was going to kill me. Literally. There were two little girls living across the street. You played with dolls with them and in the sand box. Your oldest brother had been sharing the little bedroom with you. He slept on the top bunk. He left for the Air Force and then you had the room to yourself. Your other two brothers shared the bigger room until the second oldest went to Coast Guard Academy.

I think you were happy. You were healthy at that time.

You were a “Cookie Monster” at two. You would sit in your high chair with your hand up and open and close your hand wanting animal crackers. If I ran out you would drive me crazy till I got more. You were around 3 1/2 when we moved to Indiana.

You used to talk to an imaginary friend but I never knew who it was. I thought it was because I worked nights and your brother was at school, and you were lonesome. You would line up all of your stuffed animals and dolls and play school. You were past two then. More like three to five. You watched Bob Ross and all the other artists on TV and drew and colored pictures. One of your favorites was a lady who did old barns and rural scenes and she always had a cat somewhere in the picture, sometimes hidden in plain site.

Thank you Mom. 💗

After reading her email I saw the pattern of repeat, at least where it started.

I find it interesting that Nathan is unemployed (though his is health related and my dad was career related), and I have spent most of my working the last 8 years in nursing environments. I have also repeated the overtime to make ends meet/provide a few good things for kids, and especially the buying a home on my own. Even things such as kids sharing rooms and a turtle sandbox. I find it interesting that our repeat moving/changing-homes pattern is also similar to the pattern of my childhood.

Although I don’t feel like Nathan is going to kill me, sometimes I feel like the situation and all the hours could. Yet I keep pushing myself, striving to keep reaching for better. Then I have moments where I just wish to throw in the towel and give up. I have enough, I don’t need anything else for this lifetime. Then I acknowledge that my extended chill-out times only get me so far and usually end up in financial strain.

Additionally, somehow reading mom’s comments on being a Cookie Monster, makes the allergen addiction (dairy/grains) less of a pressure knowing it started when I was that young. It’s easier on oneself when trying to break an addiction, if you acknowledge something that’s been happening for 36 years, is not likely to be broken overnight. I will simply keep asking for only things which are good for my body to be present. That is the best way for God to help. If I’m not presented with addictive options then it’s easier to say no. I do still need to reach for some self-control though, or I’ll find myself going to the store to replenish them. That’s the hazard of being an adult with means to do so- yet usually I’m not that person.

And my not-so-imaginary friend. What’s his purpose? That’s at the heart of it all. Why did he leave and come back? Why didn’t he help me figure out solutions to the programming before it became such an ingrained problem? Though I appreciate my mom’s acknowledgement of his existence, it leaves more questions than were answered in those regards.

I’m hoping that eventually I’ll build my dome home and we’ll stay put for the rest of my life. If I ever make it that far, a lot of the other elements will also change. Yet, I’m concerned that since my kids are all in or past the age range of my initial query, that they now have the same programming. That is super frustrating.

Anyway, the bigger picture is that there is indeed detrimental programming in my brain, which is impeding my personal growth. When I contemplate trying to solve that connundrum I keep cycling back to how computers are handled; especially since I’m familiar with several very influentially smart people referencing the human brain as being like a computer.

From my rudimentary knowledge there are options involving both software and hardware.

To me hardware options for the human brain/body would be something like lobotomy, brain damage, or a new body. Plus perhaps options I’m not aware of or don’t feasibly exist. None of those are realistic or desirable to me. Enough said.

However, like Windows 10, sometimes software upgrades are not compatible with existing hardware.

So, I perceive that I need the brain software upgrade that is compatible with my existing hardware but propels me to better function and speed, just like in a computer. Something that allows the positive forward movement in the most efficient way possible. That which creates less distress and frustration because the cogs are spinning. Less hourglass waiting, and more efficiently being productive. Less stuck, and more financial growth. Less hours worked, and more income brought in. More time to play the games like when I was a child playing school or watching painters.

Yet I need this software upgrade in the most efficient way possible as well. In computers you can uninstall and reinstall better functioning software. Or you can simply overwrite software with the upgrade if they are similar enough. I’m honestly not certain how to accomplish either with my brain. Plus, even in computers you often find glitches later where old programming wasn’t completely overwritten and it can hang things up.

I feel like in some ways I did manage to override the old to a certain degree. A house instead of a mobile home. Fewer kids, and the determination to keep it that way. Being more fiscally responsible as the mortgage company put it. Keeping debt low and working with cash mostly, only using credit enough to boost our scores back up. Working primarily as a contractor making my own schedule and earning my own business contracts through my own dependability and skill. Pushing myself to think bigger and reach for better.

But even with these changes, I’m essentially doing the same thing slightly better.

Abraham speaks of some leaps being too large to handle and if you attempt too large of a leap it can cause horrible problems (lottery winners that end up destitute) or death. I definitely don’t want that. But I do want a larger improvement than I have managed thus far.

I want the kind of noticable shift where even people that don’t know me very well notice. Like when your employer upgrades computers when you’re gone and you come back and you’re like “OH, that’s different!”.

I suppose if you’re reading this and know computers well, is there a suggestion? Do you have any hypothesis on how to override old programming in the human brain?

I know the slight adjustments I’ve already made were a combination of pretending when young, and meditation as an adult. I know that’s part of the key, but feel like there’s more to it than that. That there are other pieces to the re-coding of brain software. I just don’t know what they are, and how to maximize their effectiveness.

So, may you all experience a realization of your growth. May you all find easy software upgrades. May you all find the personal growth you seek. May your life improve in all ways. May we all be supported by God and understand the unseen better.

Siva Hir Su

Some rest found.

I’m doing a little better today. I took a nap when I got home and then had a good night’s sleep after a healthy dinner of salmon and green beans. I did realize that much of my aches and energetic gunk was people I worked on. I think I seriously need a day in nature to detox from everything I’m collecting from clients, young and old.

I’m just not sure how or when to accommodate that because every day that is conducive to being outside weather wise, I’ve worked or had to work. Last Sunday was the exception and I did spend time outside raking leaves, but it was our back yard, not secluded woods away from people and civilisation. The latter is what helps me detox everybody’s energetic connections and clutter.

Additionally, my magnesium absorption seems to be down despite taking a calcium supplement. I’m not sure why, but I’m definitely getting the classic leg cramps of magnesium deficiency. I told Nathan I may need to switch to a different Mag supplement for a while. Just another puzzle piece to figure out.

This morning I was greeted with several interesting notifications from the great HAL otherwise known as Google/YouTube. There was one in particular that stood out having the color trigger I mentioned a few posts ago: red, black, and white. I’ll share the link below, I liked the song, loved the cinamatography, and the message resonated. I find myself apologizing to myself all the time about not having time, just as the song said “I’m sorry I just can’t waste time.”

Perhaps that is my biggest fallacy, but every time I do waste time in the name of finding joy or comfort for myself it ends up biting me in the arse in other ways. Usually because very important, time sensitive things get forgotten by others. Everyone relies on me. It just is I suppose, another challenge to add to my list.

  • “You were not born to get it done.”
  • “You were not born to fix the world or anyone else for that matter.”
  • ‘There will always be desire, something to reach for, improvement to seek.”
  • – Abraham Hicks quotes

Anyway, perhaps you’ll like the song.

Since I’m working so hard to find some energetic lift, some improvement, I thought I would take a moment (more for myself to visualize everything, than for you as reader) to list good things about myself. I’m that person that is very critical of myself and often need to focus to remind myself there’s anything good there.

  • I’m a spectacular massage therapist.
  • I’m a decent construction worker/handy woman. Anya commented after carpet laying: “Is there anything you can’t do?”
  • I’m a mediocre psychic, but intensely accurate empath. (I feel all the emotions and body aches, but don’t always know/understand their existence, why someone feels the way they do. I miss the fine details.)
  • I’m a decent flautist and pianist, and mediocre at another 9 instruments.
  • I’m a good artist.
  • I’m an okay gardener.
  • I’m a great organizer, and housekeeper/maid.
  • I’m a good business woman, and dependable contractor.
  • I’m a great low budget interior designer (our home will look like I paid big bucks for someone to customize it, but everything was thrifted at a fraction of retail costs).
  • I’m a decent painter (house type) and excellent painter (art type).
  • I’m stronger and smarter than your average bear. (Thanks Yogi)
  • I care, about everyone, often more than they do about me.
  • I have ethics. (That has manifested several times in recent years where I removed myself because someone would have cheated on a monogamous spouse/partner. Polyamory is about open consent, not cheating.) (Also applies to client relationships, I’ll never break board ethics just because I find someone attractive- though every great once in a while I’m very tempted.)
  • I’m a great driver having literally millions of miles under my belt combining professional and personal miles.
  • I’m an okay auto mechanic having replaced: fuel filters, radiators, electronics, spark plugs, water pumps, and headlamp casings. Even having changed tires and done oil changes regularly. The only things that get me are belts (I usually get frustrated and give up on those) and anything needing an engine or whole car lift- if I don’t have the proper tools I can’t do it.
  • I’m doing okay on self-help/self-improvement as well. I haven’t eliminated depression or my temper, but I have much greater control than when I left my parent’s home. Even when I do loose control, I have a much much shorter refractory period to regaining sanity.

That’s a good list for this post. I need to categorize posts like this so it’s easier to go back and reference them when I need a boost. … I’ll add it to the bottom of my to-do list.

May you all have interestingly helpful notifications. May you all find rest and rejuvenation. May you have time in nature when you need it. May you feel better through fixing puzzle pieces. May you have ease and comfort in your experience. May you find the good in yourself. And may we all find ways to improve ourselves and our experience.

Siva Hir Su