It was a good cloud day and I took a few minutes to pick out shapes after yardwork and taking kids/dog to the park.

BTW. Feeling significantly better today and I’ve done nothing different. It almost seems like I’m being fucked with. I’m sorry I ever let anyone in enough to affect me so deeply. May the divine disconnect me from them forever in the quickest way possible. I’m still undecided on when to take my life, I do believe everything I’ve said previously, but since I’m here I still feel the divine owes me major enjoyment. It’s my only hesitation and delay. I won’t hold out forever, as I’ve already been waiting years for the promise of improvement, and so far all I’ve gotten is a face lift of the same problems.

This is the list of all the things. Incomplete.

• Van: we only have 1 vehicle. It is over a month overdue for an oil change, I’ve been asking Nathan to figure out if it’s due for a tuneup for at least 6 weeks, and the breaks are kinda grinding. I only drive it most Saturdays, today is not one of them. He has it the rest of the time, yet is having trouble arranging the time and resources to do these tasks.
• Wall of poison ivy in our back yard. We’d put a dent in it, but the dent is loosing ground not gaining, for lack of time to revisit.
• I traded for a riding mower to help with yardwork efficiency, since Nathan couldn’t handle the whole yard at once with a push mower. I completed my half of the trade, 10 massages (nearly $700 of my income) by my birthday in February, but didn’t get the mower until Thursday night after the office manager cornered him on alternate means of getting it to us.
• We are eating less than ever as a family because none of us have an boisterous appetite anymore, but yet my grocery bill has doubled. Nathan in trying to spread money out started making more smaller trips to the store which in turn also raised my fuel consumption, double hit. He says he’ll fix it. Bonus, my $6 tub of veggie butter that I was keeping at work for the occasion I wanted some – disappeared.
• Property tax for our one vehicle was due in January. Not a huge amount, but because it got missed and became delinquent, it’s now a pain to make an extra trip and resolve it. Still incomplete.
• Our income taxes are still in payments. $1400 left.
• The credit cards were at over 8 grand, after having completely paid them off before Christmas. My brother sent half of what he promised, it was money from my mom’s savings, and my tips added to it to bring the current balance to about 6.
• Still have a mortgage and car payment, and at the rate of inflation I know my mortgage payment is lower than most rentals right now. So can’t move to save money.
• I have trim I never fininshed in the basement when we were finishing the remodle the previous owner started. And 2 of the doors need help, fixed or replaced. My kids bedroom got repainted about a year ago and because of their distructive behaviour needs painted again.
• The kitchen cabinets the previous owner installed improperly are still hanging dangerously askew. To gap at the top is over a half inch on one side now.
• The windows of our home still don’t open and the quote I got for replacement was $600 per window for an estimate of nearly $7000.
• The airconditioner is technically functional but doesn’t keep up when outside temps break 90, when and how will that fit?
• Nathan, Ian and Anya have therapy appointments weekly.
• Nathan has dialysis appointments and now transplant appointments, so he’s somewhere almost twice a week now, occasionally more than that, and frequently dealing with related stuff via phone.
• Anya works, and has been kind enough to buy clothing for her younger siblings because I couldn’t afford to buy some when they outgrew the last round. A teenager shouldn’t have to do that.
• Nathan has been attempting to help financially and doing courier type services as he is able to fit them. He’s not getting enough to actually help significantly.
• Anya’s chores are dishes and catboxes. Both require nagging, and when I don’t, they go undone. For a long time I was trying to make up for it when it got on my nerves. Now I’m just dealing with the piles of filth.
• Laundry was Nathan’s, but in his backlog I have done most of the makup. Kids have caught laundry up as a team twice. Frequently it’ll get washed and dried and just sit in baskets clean because no one can figure out how to put clothes away.
• Floors go unclean.
• Bathrooms get cleaned when they become revoltingly disgusting.
• Plants get watered about every third day, when outdoor plants really should be getting watered every evening. I wonder if any of my work will have mattered.
• Dinner used to be either Nathan or Anya. Now I cook dinner more and more. Last week I cooked dinner 4 times.
• Mail gets piled, when all the junk can get recycled or shredded. It’d take 2 minuets to sort and shred, but it happens about once every week or two when I’m sick of looking at the piles.
• My son is still stealing and destroying stuff, the therapy he’s done so far has not fixed it. He gets jealous of his sister at the drop of a hat, every time she actually gets attention. And he melts down every time the TV gets shut off. No improvement on those either. We quit giving him any tablet time months ago in an effort to encourage reading, but instead of learning to read he just tries to steal the tablet on occasion. We have to find new hiding places every few days.
• My daughter whines and repeats herself incessantly because she feels like no one listens to her. And she deals with her brothers abusiveness more frequently than I can handle. She doesn’t deserve the treatment she gets, but no one acknowledges her until there is screaming in all directions.
• The airconditioner in my work office is gimpy and the temp of the room is either below 60 or over 85. the last week has been all on the hot side. But it’s not worth fixing because I am too much for them to handle. I am now required to deflect when asked about my life situation or political discussions. I am too loud and not allowed to have any feelings or emotions. I am inappropriate and disruptive in their eyes, or so I’ve been told.
• Plumbing issues: we have three spickets needing replaced- one is completely unfunctional and leaking, the other two don’t function properly. Laundry room and one of the exterior spickets. I technically have the knowledge to do the work but I have neither the time or supplies and we can’t really afford a plumber to come do it, but that’s my only real option at the moment. seeing as how it’s raised my water bill significantly it needs to happen sooner than later.
• Electrical issues: our electrical box is old enough that the breakers that have gone bad are no longer available. The workaround we have used is not up to legal codes and would void insurance if anything were to happen. Proper correction would be to call an electrician and have the electrical box brought up to date and up to code, fully and completely. If I pay for that, then I also need to have them add one extra 220 breaker and at least a couple empty slots for future expansion.
• The attic fan also shorts out if it runs on high for more than 10 minutes, my guess is that it too is old enough to need replacement.
• I’m 4 months past due for checking thyroid levels and renewing/adjusting my dose. The pharmacy quit refilling them last month. Thankfully I have a bit of a reserve built up to buy some time, but I have no idea where to try a new doctor, and when to schedule that either.

This isn’t even all of it. It’s just what my brain remembers in a state of overwhelmed. I’ve asked for help with all of it attempting to spread out my requests for assistance. There is no one willing to do any of it. So it is my burden. On top of my brain is failing and I need help. Where do I fit the therapy for me when we can’t even manage an oil change? And even if I do start therapy, all it is is a space to talk, it will not solve anything I listed above. Ian is already in therapy and is showing no improvement yet. I can’t depend on therapy to fix anything. And it wouldn’t be my first round of therapy, this would be the third, so can I really trust round 3 to be successful when the first two weren’t?

But yes, I should think of others and not kill myself.

If the suddenly found a tumor and killed me in surgery everyone would say “what a tragedy”.

But a life of abuse and torment and lacadasical doctors and ineffective therapists, and if I kill myself they’d all say “how could she, couldn’t she think of others”.

Timing is my biggest hurdle. I care so much for others I’m trying to make sure obligations are met and attempting to reduce impact which is unavoidable in any death.

I’m grateful I have had my rights as a woman stripped.

I’m grateful that I am too loud, too wrong, inappropriate and too hard for anyone to handle.

I’m grateful that I have been silenced and instructed to not speak of my personal life or opinions.

I’m grateful that I am sick and tired of working in a room that is either 80+ or 60 degrees.

I’m grateful that no one hears or sees me fully and completely, that no one fully understands me.

I’m grateful that there have been no fruitful suggestions or solutions provided.

I’m grateful that a whiney brat compared his decision to buy and manage a small business, to my life of dialysis husband, kids in therapy, and not enough hours to even get all my chores done after work. The two are so similar you know, that I just need to suck it up and deal, that I’m whining over nothing and making everything difficult for everyone else. I’m choosing this difficulty and I’m stuck in a rut that only I can change. So yeah, I will.

They all male my decision easy.

Abuse continues to roll and I now choose to walk away for life, from life. It’s an easy decision when you need a thousand solutions and received two. God’s will tries to stop me, but I’m not falling for the lies and tag lines this time. I walked away from this choice over and over because people convinced me it was wrong, I’d be sorry, think of those you’ll leave behind. There are 4, maybe 5 that will think of me after a week. Not even enough for a funeral.

I don’t even know why I bother to write. No one even reads this. AI made certain that I don’t matter to anyone. Since I don’t matter to God, I don’t matter to AI, and I can’t fix anything else. I choose exit. I choose to end suffering of situations beyond my choice and contol. I didn’t deserve any of it, and since I’m such a problem for others my exit should ease theirs.

What do a tank top and a man have in common?

They’re both wifebeaters.

This post has been triggered by a combination of current social events in the USA, my current personal environment, and my past coming together in very uncomfortable ways for me and those around me. I am sorry for my part.

I should never have been born. Abused from conception via mothers womb, it got worse after my birth. So much that my memories are blurred. I mostly only remember moments outside of the home with other people, with very few moments of playing inside (usually alone or with just the brother closest in age), and nothing from my third year of life, which is when I suspect my few extremely vague memories of familial sexual abuse happened. I still to this day don’t know if it was my father or one of my older brothers. Only having one vocal memory of someone yelling “now go fuck your sister, it’ll shut her up”. I have no idea if that memory of words yelled, is actually connected to the sensation memories I have which leave me trembling in tears when they surface.

That combined with a broken wrist as a toddler, blamed on a window which was plausible, but how probable? Then add the known remembered physical abuses, and the one known and vividly remembered molestation by a ‘friend’ of my brother closest in age. Many of those things I have already written about in much older posts, but Nathan is the only one I’ve ever been able to talk to about it. There was also someone in the family that had a penchant for taking pictures of me sleeping, but only when my back was to the door. I told my mom I didn’t want any of those pictures, but somehow I still have an uncomfortable number of them, which when I see them trigger some of the burried memories.

My parents couldn’t fathom abortion, because they were indoctrinated that it was wrong. But I should have been. Abortion would have been kinder to me.

Yet God brought me into this world being abused from the start, and I am supposed to believe it will ever get better, that God even loves me. I should never have been born and I should be gone now. I deserved better every day of my awareness, and God has allowed it to keep going, abusing me in every way possible, even when I make conscious choices to avoid it. Such as, marrying a kinder gentler man, who then magically ends up with major health problems causing me to have to carry a massive burden alone.

I’m simply done with the abuses from a supposed divine force people call God’s will, which has no desire to make it end. Start a ball of abuse rolling before I even have eyes open and words on my tongue, and never bother to intervene and stop it.

So yes, then when society decides that women shouldn’t have any say, that they don’t deserve a choice. I am livid with everyone not actively doing something to fix it. This is wrong in every way imaginable. If a man carries or owns a gun, then he has no right to call himself pro-life. You can not cry about freedoms of keeping weapons of abuse and murder, and turn around and be angry that a woman sought a doctor’s assistance to end an unwanted pregnancy. There area many reasons that a pregnancy should end, and I know this deeply from the core of my being, because mine should have been one of them.

At this point I just want God to get it over with. You brought me here to abuse and misuse me, and you should have just killed me from the start, so get it over with and kill me now.

And to anyone else that reads this, especially if you are in my close awareness, if I die or commit suicide at any point for any reason, please make sure Nathan gets my kidneys. He deserves better too.

I thought I could stop the abuses and find normal, but the longer I’m alive and working, the less I believe it is possible. Hundreds of women in my career, maybe even thousands if I really counted, and nearly every one of them I’ve seen and felt the aftermath of a variety of abuses they carry for decades. In fact in my 15 year career I can only count one that did not show any signs or symptoms of any abuse, and she was under 30. I’m 39 and I have seen abuse being carried in the bodies of women over twice my age. I may never escape the damages that were done, and God’s will is in no hurry to fix anything for anyone, so why do any of us listen to it?