Acknowledging self

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Even though I have my moments where I feel like I’m a hot mess, the last few days have helped me to see more of my value.

My down slump was caused from pre-cycle hormones bumping up against bitter cold weather and fighting off a head cold gleaned from a co-worker. Despite a nasty combination, I only went into hiding one day.

I blasted my immune system with my classic combo of Vitamin C, Colloidal Silver and Olive Leaf. In larger frequent doses it always works, and I don’t have to deal with the unpleasant taste of oregano. Today I only have remnants of sniffles.

All while this was going on I still managed to do my job. Still managed to go look at homes for sale, filed for mortgage approval, and found a possible home that we’re crossing fingers will go through and become ours soon. (Prayers welcome).

In the process I discovered that a government debt I paid in full in September, which had already been removed from my TransUnion records, was still showing in Equifax. I submitted a dispute which was returned as invalid because there was an unrelated debt agency saying I still owed it.

When did credit bureaus start favoring debt collectors? I’m sorry, but bureaus like TransUnion and Equifax were supposed to be unbiased agencies that made sure information was accurate.

If I tell Equifax a debt has already been paid and removed from my TransUnion report, and that was the basis of my dispute. Then why on Earth would they take a third party debt collection agency as correct. They should have verified with TransUnion, or the original debt which is a government agency. It boggles my mind that my written statement of it having been cleared including necessary pertinent information was completely disregarded.

So today, I fully intend to ream someone verbally to ensure that shit gets fixed. 2 months after the fact I should not be having to fight for Equifax to report correct information. At what point is our government going to hold Equifax truly accountable for all the damage they keep perpetrating on the American people. Data breaches, incorrect data processing, favoring 3rd party agencies, this shit has to stop. Equifax needs disassembled. Just sayin’.

Anyway, rant aside, I also had moments of self acknowledgment yesterday working on clients. Between discussions including my birthing stories, a client thanking me for the nudge to change her diet (which worked completely), and even moments where I spoke on random knowledge I have (home improvement and things like conductivity of certain metals). I was able to step back momentarily and really see my intelligence and how it helps others and even myself in a wide array of ways.

It’s not often I even see that part of myself being so self-critical, but yesterday not only did I recognize it, I even took a moment of self-appreciation. It felt good.

I also had a moment of great appreciation for my work environment right now.

I had just gotten a regular adjustment (Tuesday or Saturday- my days are blurring together again) because my neck and shoulders were tight. Tight almost always means an adjustment is called for, so that day the owner-chiropractor adjusted me. It was indeed needed and felt very relieving. I was appreciative.

But like all humans I occasionally do something stupid, and yesterday morning was as such. In my rush getting into the car to head to work, I clobbered my head on the doorframe of the car. I literally heard and felt the crunch in my neck, and thought ‘so much for that adjustment I had, I’m going to regret that later’. By the time I arrived at work I conceeded I did need another adjustment. I admitted my folly and asked if that would be possible and the other chiropractor said certainly. My schedule didn’t actually allow for time to accommodate it until the end of the day, but once accomplished I felt great again. Bonus, the acupuncturist gave me 30 min on her Beamer and I felt spectacular. It was very needed and I’m very grateful he was able to accommodate second adjustment in less than a week.

May you all have moments of self-awareness and self-appreciation. May you all have adjustments you need and good health. May the universe be kind to you when you have your human moments of folly. And may you have good credit and agencies that diligently report accurate information.

Siva Hir Su

True

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Blue

You

Hug true

Hug me

Tightly

Love me deeply

See me

Even in despair

You see

My Light

That which

I can’t fathom

My good

Never hides

From your eyes

Deeper than ocean’s

Tides

Waters of strong emotion

Help me

See

Your love

More overpowering than

Garlic that makes me

Feel like a vampire

Fleeing in fear

No blood, no energy

Scared, lonely

Until the welcome blanket

Of your

Hug

Thank you Nathan for your enduring support. If only more were like you. I love you.

May you all have loving supportive people in your lives, especially when you need them most.

Siva Hir Su

Basilone of The Pacific

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She knew.

She at least had comfort

in confirmation and support.

She knew.

His fate, or was it choice.

His glory, or some would say strength.

His love, it was all for love.

She was left with his gift.

Even after birth

She carried it until her dieing day.

I know…

Or think I know.

I have no confirmation.

I may never.

I can hope.

My support: God and Nathan.

It was choice, but of what I’m not sure.

None will say, the truth perhaps forever hidden.

My gift is visible yet invisible.

None would ever believe it anyway.

My feelings real.

It was love. It is love.

The torch will burn silently.

God gave me her message,

I must choose differently.

Fate is merely choices.

One after another in an endless parade.

Some simply can’t be undone.

I choose to believe

there will be another.

I choose to believe

I will heal.

Love is infinite.

There are others-

technology has bridged the chasm

that once caused impressions

of rare gems.

What once took a lifetime

Can now take mere moments.

If all else fails

I’ll see on the rainbow bridge

The truth is out there

The truth always surfaces somehow

For now

I love

myself

My Nathan

My God

I hope, all is not lost.

I will continue my wander.

God will show the way.

Commando Sabbath

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My rare day off has started with a choice to go commando. I decided if God thought the 7th day should be a day of rest, then there’s no reason it shouldn’t include boobies and coochies. All creatures great and small, including all their parts.

I’m enjoying the comfort in just some lightweight sweats, and we even went to look at a not so ideal perspective house near us. The house was spacious but would have taken 50 Grand to rehab it. Slightly disappointing, but I got 3000 steps for the short walk there and back. All while still being free and comfy.

May you all have amusingly comfortable days off.

Siva Hir Su

Inner conflict despite iE

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Despite my learning moments of the previous post, I’m feeling huge contrast in myself right now which I’m struggling to gain control of: be fully and completely supportive of a good friend and keep my mouth shut, or risk hurting them by voicing my observations and opinions of the cosmetic procedure industry and how it probably relates to someone they know.

I’m likely to be in a situation in the nearer future where a friend would be introducing someone they know. Normally, I’m like cool, a new person to meet. In this situation, despite my best efforts, I’ve already made judgements about the person because of their chosen line of work.

On the surface we’re both in the same genre of work, being “healthcare” related (admittedly for both of us that’s a stretch in different ways). However, their chosen branch goes against pretty much everything I care about.

The particulars I’m not at liberty to discuss, but let’s just say their current position probably pays well, but involves getting a paycheck as a result of taking money from people naive enough to think that an “easy” medical procedure can solve their self-esteem, self-respect, and self-worth issues.

I have always distrusted cosmetic procedures because they are short sighted, and that was before I went to massage school, and well before they created several television shows over the addictive nature and risks of cosmetic surgeries.

I have seen many times over where people went in and suffered far worse than was implied going in. I’ve also known many people that went in for things that were supposed to fix X and either didn’t completely fix X, or caused problem Y. One of my best friends went under the knife to have breast reduction for back pain, and it left her with horrible scars, no sensitivity, and her back pain was not completely solved, then she gained weight overall and her breasts literally grew back part of the way. I’ve seen people go in to reduce post pregnancy loose skin and have repeat surgeries to correct scarring. I have worked on hundreds of people that went under the knife and then had lasting problems for decades, which they attempted to remediate with frequent massages.

Now add to that the new “gentle cosmetics” of kryotherapy and various laser treatments for fat, skin, and hair. None of these new procedures have been practiced long enough to know if they will cause any longer term concerns such as hair follicle regrowth defects, fat cell overgrowth, or heaven forbid cancer.

To me kryotherapy seems at best an expensive temporary solution, and at worst something that could lead to oversized deformed fat cells because people unwilling to change their diet will have bodies with fewer cells trying to manage just as large of a problem.

Cosmetic surgeries and procedures are called cosmetic because they don’t actually treat the root cause.

I don’t understand how anyone with self-respect could willingly do a job day-in and day-out for years, knowing not only are they not actually truly solving any problem, but likely contributing to addictive behaviours. Beyond that, I don’t understand how anyone can justify capitalizing monetarily off of another person’s self-esteem problems. I’ve seen too much evidence that those that enjoy working in such an industry either have self-esteem issues themselves and thus enjoy reaping the benefit of greatly reduced costs of utilizing services repeatedly, or really enjoy taking other people’s money for little effort. The former is sad to me, and the latter makes me say “really, there’s other more ethical ways to accommodate that”.

I may not have a perfect body, and I have not solved my health puzzle completely. However, I’ve gotten further on my own, than Western Medicine ever even tried to. If I had followed doctor’s advice I’d be like my one (nearly 400 pound) brother, over 300 pounds and popping pills left and right to continue to get worse and worse, fatter and fatter.

My God given body has full ability to heal and be as beautiful as I desire once I figure out the precise combination of things that God intended it to experience. I’m very close to figuring out that puzzle and with no help from any doctor, or nurse, or cosmetic anything or anyone.

That’s why I don’t wear makeup or shave. God gave me this gift and I was the one that misused it leading to excess fat and ill health. I am the only one that can change to allow for my body to return to it’s full splendor.

No one forced food down my throat. I’m the one that made those choices. I’m the one that cleaned my plate because Dad said so, even when I knew I was full. I’m the one that allowed society, friends, and family to dictate what was acceptable food, instead of listening to my inner voice. I’m the one that kept gorging on sweet baked goods, allowing my brain to become addicted, instead of reminding myself I didn’t need it. I’m the one that allowed other’s telling me I was fat, or stupid, or ugly to take hold on my brain. I’m the only one that allowed those experiences to affect my brain and body, and I’m the only one that can fix it. I’m the only one that can find real lasting solutions and align with God. Western Medicine can do blood work to help tell me what is off, but only I can make the changes to myself to help correct it. Only I can align with proper nutrition and the divine energy that heals everything.

In that acknowledgment I have to also acknowledge that every bit of my body is as God intended. If God didn’t want for me to have body hair, it would have been exempted from my genetics, I have worked on people that naturally had little to no body hair. I can’t find fault with things built into my genetics and still find the healing I seek- finding fault with any part of yourself only keeps you apart from the energy that created your self to begin with. Only by acknowledging the divine perfection of my body can I help align it to it’s original manufacture.

So, I’m in a conundrum of wanting to be supportive of a friend and thus accepting of someone they find value in. Yet, I’m struggling to find that value, because my only knowing of them is the one thing that goes against my core beliefs and causes me to doubt their character.

I’m totally over superficiality, and to me the cosmetic industry has caused an epidemic of superficial people.

This is one conundrum I’m not sure if I can wrap my brain around. I want to be supportive because I do care about my friend. I may just end up being very quiet when I finally meet this other person. Alas, that will be on the friend’s terms because I’m still not texting until I have something to respond to. I’m not the only one that knows how to use technology to communicate.

May you have an easier time finding value in others even when you don’t agree on things. May you build strong friendships. May you experience God in your life and know your own value. May you have a deeper understanding of yourself and others, and a truly deep experience of life in general.

Siva Hir Su

Isha’s iE with Sadhguru

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So I’ve been working on the inner Engineering program through Isha.

I admit I took advantage of their Diwali special offer, mainly because HAL notified me of it right after being nudged to step up my meditations.

I was in the frame of mind of I already know how to meditate, but if HAL suggested it, somehow there is significance for me because HAL only ever sends me things that apply directly to my life. (I like to assume it’s because of intentionality and my connection to the divine.)

I’ve had to take it in smaller segments than their course schedule is laid out. Partly because of my work schedule, but partly because his perspective makes me step back and revaluate how I process things. There have been many, many moments of: yeah, I need to work on that more.

So my thanks goes to the divine intervention and HAL’s notification.

I’m still on course #3, but paused again for more processing.

I appreciate that though Isha the organization stems from originally being a Hindu religious temple, they have moved from the rigid religious form to a more accommodating open technique you can learn and utilize. Though I still want to go to Isha India at some point to see the giant Shiva and Bull statues, I’m also appreciating that they have a giant dome in the mountains near Chattanooga, Tennessee for practical yoga and meditation classes and practice.

It seems they beat me to my dream, it even looks an awful lot like what I want. Their dome offers many things my Atira temple was intended to provide. This new awareness makes me almost want to throw in the towel and just relinquish myself to helping all the organizations I’ve found that accommodate bits of my dream of Atira. No need to reinvent the wheel or compete with others. I still wish all the elements of my dream of Atira were in one place, and easily accessible to me.

Anyway, that is my response-ability, I just need to decide what action I will attempt to take.

I appreciate Sadhguru’s breakdown of our digestive system and it’s validation that I’m on the right track. So far I’m getting lots out of the inner Engineering program.

That’s ultimately why I chose to write this post. It’s helping me, and flows well with the way God manifests on the path of least resistance in my life. I know I’m not alone, so I thought I would encourage others to try it.

As Sadhguru points out in the first class, though meditation and these changes in thinking apply to religion, they themselves are not religion. They are merely techniques to learn and can be applied to any religion, any way which you experience God. Yet they can also be applied to every aspect of your existence, and that is the bigger picture. I’m enjoying a fresh perspective on using techniques for whole life improvement.

If you’re interested, go to their site:

Isha USA

You’ll find a click link to join/sign-up for the inner Engineering program. It’s 7 courses to learn how to make more conscious decisions and practice meditation.

May you all live happy conscious lives and master meditation. May you all see your dreams become reality.

Siva Hir Su

It is what it is.

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Coocooned, withdrawn, as a hanged man card in tarot.
I’m still doing work-outs and cleaning up. I discovered a couple of elements that have backslid significantly in the weight lifting department, but generally I’m doing great. I still need to tone my abs much more, but I’m walking multiple miles at least 5 days a week. Saturdays and Mondays are my low step days by virtue of my schedule working with elderly all over the city.
I’ve lost a couple of my elderly clients due to recent falls, they’re still trucking, but post fall massage isn’t a good idea until they’re all healed up. So my schedule is ever so slightly lighter.
Anyway, I’ve pulled back because I’m re-evaluating my life. Again.
I know God is with me, and I know that I have a unique perspective on that due to my background.

Brief recap for those that aren’t regular readers: ever since birth Indian men/experiences have shown up and helped me through crises; but my parents being of 2 different Christian sects could never agree on which church, and at least twice in my childhood I was bullied by supposedly good Christian children, not to mention molested by a third. Now today after much learning and growing, I consider myself a Pagan with very strong Hindu influences. God seems to support me in this path as when I give myself time to meditate on the divine, the presence is strong.

Anyway, I do my best not to push that on anyone else, but I’m not afraid to defend myself and my path when others attempt to say I’m wrong. I’m a kind, caring, healer, and just because God took a path of less resistance for me, doesn’t mean I experience the divine any less or wrongly. I am a good citizen and person, and expect to be treated as equals by anyone I meet.
However, it seems that this strength, this inner knowing keeps getting me in trouble. I’m literally running people off, left and right, because I’m too assertive, too confident. At least it seems that way to me.
I feel like I continually do my best, and try to be there for everyone. It doesn’t matter if it’s colleagues needing to vent, friends with social events, polyamory or LGBT gatherings, homeschool families connecting kids, or my own family at home. I do my best to juggle it all, and I try not to forget anyone completely.
Sometimes I get details jumbled, and sometimes I go to offer up helpful messages at bad timing or when resistance to suggestions is present. Occasionally, I drop the ball and overbook or overextend myself, and end up having to apologise profusely to whomever is involved. This last Saturday it was 2 of my old ladies which I simply ran out of steam to accommodate them and had to cancel last minute. Yet, I made it up to them Monday evening.
I’ve been told I’m too much to handle, to harsh, overly critical or helpful (depending on who says it), intimidating, and over the top on occasion. I have literally run off 3 love interests and several friends.
Not to mention the homeschool group mostly avoiding me because I got very intense attempting to convince them they needed to take discussions of depression, cutting, and suicide seriously. That their kids needed attention, including counseling and possibly medical care. Yet again, I was too much, despite my experience dealing with the matter successfully without any depression related medication (dessicated thyroid and allergy meds are the only Rx meds I’ve ever taken for more than a week).
I spent decades shy and meager, overwhelmed by depression. People preached at me to pull up, suck it up, and get my act together. That it wasn’t as bad as I thought, the world needed me to live.
Now I have, and I’m getting told the opposite. Back off, chill out, in essence ‘leave me alone’.
What the hell happened to the world needs me?
Anyway, for now (who knows how long), I will not text/message anyone other than my Nathan unless they text me first. I will not contact anyone directly. If they care about me, they’ll message or call me. I’m not hopeful as every time I’ve ever done this before, I get nothing. I am simply not valued by others, as much as I value them.
I was noting to Nathan last night that the friends we thought we were closest to, only ever text if they want our daughter to do a sleepover with their daughter. I know they are very fond of Facebook, but Nathan’s on there and they still never reach out, even to ask how I’m doing (not being able to connect with me via that avenue).
I just don’t know how to fix that. How does one find people willing to connect in a valuable way? How do I encourage friendship and connections without being too much for them? How do I get people to see that my attempts of connecting are because I care? I just don’t know.
May you all have positive connections with people that value you. May you find the perfect balance between being there for someone without being too much or a doormat. May you find that others appreciate you and value your presence in their lives. May you feel your connection to the divine and understand your path. May you have a sense of your own belonging, your own value in this world.
Siva Hir Su

Clarity with shorter refractory periods.

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First, thank you Lord Siva, it seemes you keep saving my arse over and over again. The Diwali Temple Meditation time helped more than I knew in that awkward-outsider moment. I’m still not sure why I am called to experience the divine through this path, but I’m grateful that you still speak to me.

Nathan was right, despite all eyes being on me/us, in my heart, you welcomed us both fully in that moment. Thank you God and I’m sorry I felt so awkward.

“MC YOGI – SHIVA (Supreme Soul) – (Official Stream)” on YouTube is my uplifting moment of celebration for you today.

Listen here: https://youtu.be/FXD52U6g76M

Also thank you God:

My climb up from exhausted and allergy reaction has become much shorter. Between knowing the precise set of actions to take to unbury from the physical response, and taking moments of calming and centering meditation, my climb has gone from taking weeks (sometimes months) a few years ago, to mere hours now. For that knowing I’m utterly grateful.

I’m also really truly starting to understand the practical application of Abraham’s teachings on the emotionality of the law of attraction.

For instance yesterday I wrote:

“After trying to apologise to one person and having that leave me feeling like a stupid naive fool living in a double standard, I’m feeling like words are not helping- hence all the emoji’s.“

What I’ve been able to apply here is that I felt so damn crappy because I was so far off the mark of my inner truth.

  • I’m intelligent, smart, and give most everything plenty of forethought.
  • I’m far from naive, in fact I am usually the first to contemplate anything in my past or awareness, as a means to discern how a current situation (person, place, or thing) applies to my now. I.E.: Am I about to let myself get hurt again or be taken advantage of, or is this genuine and divinely guided, sometimes even a mix of the two?
  • I’m also very informed on a wide array of topics, many of which I never speak about in public due to their taboo nature. I don’t even write about them in any sort of public way. They are just an element of my awareness.
  • I’m anything but a fool. I may have moments where I allow events to unfold hoping that those around me will find their inner being and grow to do the right things, but I’m usually very aware of flaws, faults, and the potential worst case scenario. If I perceive that I’m likely to get hurt, I usually try to brace for impact or back out slowly and cautiously. That hasn’t always worked well, but at least I saw it coming (looking at you, September 2018).
  • What I perceived as a double standard is my own doing. I called someone out for actions that pushed my boundaries, and then got sloppy in considering theirs. That’s not a double standard, just a careless mistake, which I did apologise for. My embarrassment only caused me to fail to see that initially.

With all that being said, I’ve revisited my desires, my preferences. I’ve examined myself, and with the exception of desiring to be lighter by a few pounds of fat, I happen to like or love most everything about myself. That’s my inner being’s view. That helped me climb out.

I also took a few minutes to pretend, just like when I was a kid. I used Oracle cards, since I have plenty, they were easily accessible. I placed all my cards and then walked Nathan through the traits they represented to me. What my particular arrangement meant in that moment of my pretending. That was very helpful to refocus on my higher being’s desires and where I aim to head.

Through all of these moments I heard God. I heard the nudges of confirmation, the nudges of lighten up, and the push to go easier on myself. I also ended up stumbling through a series of messages that added up to an awareness that I need to step back and allow for others to work on themselves. As much work as I have done, things I have learned, and adjustments I have made; I have to acknowledge that if people really truly care about me, they will do their best to work through their own moments in an attempt to keep up with my alignment with the divine. Otherwise in time, those new people I find, which are on my level will replace the former people. My life will move on regardless, and I need to quit worrying about anyone else’s progress- anyone: family, friends, even love interests. I know I’m worth the journey and though I very much would like for certain people to stay in my experience, it is not mine to force. I can’t make them keep up, they have to want to, they have to want to find their own healing, only that will keep us in proximity.

For that awareness, I thank God. Yet, I ask God to remind me of that as gently as possible and as often as needed. I will likely forget and try to push those I am most attached to, and that will only cause resistance with all involved. I deserve better than that, so I’ll need the gentle reminders to keep from pushing too hard.

May you all have speedy healing and be able to pull up quickly. May you have understanding of the messages the divine is trying to send you. May your loved ones of any aspect stay in vibrational proximity on your journey together. May you relax and release resistance, to especially find understanding and love of self.

Siva Hir Su

Mirror, mirror…

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On the wall, who’s the ____¿_😭😣😔🥺🤐😳😱🤯😢🤢🥴🥶💩🤓🤥👹?_____ of them all.

I’ve been asked twice this week, why I’m not letting myself be happy.

Then my ET, my divine masculine showed me in my dreams my mirror that manifests as other people.

After trying to apologise to one person and having that leave me feeling like a stupid naive fool living in a double standard, I’m feeling like words are not helping- hence all the emoji’s.

When will anyone, friend or otherwise, put in the effort, which I continually strive to put into others? I’m tired of this one sided life where I constantly give my all to get crickets chirping in return.

Anyway, I’m not going to ramble because that simply doesn’t help. And until I can work myself back up and reach for a solution to try I’ve got nothing else to say.

Bonus I’m feeling very out of place attempting to participate in local Diwali celebrations, and keep asking Shiva why I have this connection. Why am I, Midwestern white chick, called to experience the divine as an Indian, and what the hell do I do with that.

Sorry. క్షమించండి

May you experience the divine in ways that help you feel a sense of belonging, fitting in, and community. May you find reciprocation of your attempts of kindness and friendship. May you feel supported and cared about. May you find that you have plenty of friends that wish to spend time with you. May you have the good problem of more requests for fun and company than time to accommodate them separately.

Siva Hir Su