I’m riding, Nathan is driving us to our route. The song “One Day” by Matisyahu is playing on the radio. How appropriate for my life, especially these days. The line “sometimes in my tears I drown”, but then looking to the future, “one day, I’ll be waiting for it”. Wow, this is where I know I’m not alone. We’re all struggling something fierce.
Each struggle is different, but each valid.
I told a friend, in my world view- I feel I was lied to… things were supposed to be great and wonderful. When life is hard: you wonder what the hell went wrong, what did I do? When in reality, it’s just life. If someone had told me that you’re going to have a long hard road, with a few wonderful moments- somehow that would have been better for my brain. I wouldn’t have spent (still spend some) days beating myself up for failing repeatedly. Because, I swear: if one more person tells me to “fake it til you make it” I think I’ll *go postal*.
I’ve spent 20 years putting on the #brave face, smiling & pretending everything was ok. I’ve worked many customer service jobs, where you can’t do anything else. If you are grumpy, angry, snippy or any other kind of short with a customer, you loose your job. Just because I’m now self-employed, that doesn’t go away: contract bosses & clients don’t care if you’re having trouble, they just want their services- in a timely fashion, & done well.
So, I’d say I’ve mastered faking it, otherwise I’d either been fired multiple times over, or constantly been told I should seek counseling. Which, BTW, I have: when I could find the resources to make it affordable.
In this “Great US of A” our society finds it easy to pass judgement & tell us what to do, but no one tells you how you’re supposed to be able to afford such things, or really how to solve the problem- truly. The one time I was able to see a psych on a sliding scale fee, they wanted to just write me a script & send me on my way. They saw me a dozen times over about a year, I went through 3 scripts, none helped. Of course, now I know how much my thyroid is at play in my depression. Why did the psych never test my thyroid? Oh, wait- at that point a dozen MD’s already had- and STILL didn’t do anything. I was low side of normal.
Yep, normal, that’s what I call involuntarily morbidly obese, depressed 90% of the time, suicidal more days that I’d like to admit, and so tired that many days I slept 12 hours or more & still felt exhausted. So much for doctors being able to diagnose more accurately than anyone else. Did I mention I figured out the thyroid stuff on my own? I took that as far as I could with OTC resources before anyone took it serious. It’s been almost 3 years since I figured it out, & I’ve had a script for it less than a year.
However, just because I now have a script and a doctor willing to work with me, doesn’t mean it’s automatically solved. Thyroid issues are a huge puzzle involving hormones, nutrient absorption & utilization, and related endocrine processes such as adrenal function. A puzzle that isn’t cheap to figure out.
So for instance, I got my new script about a month ago, & worked up to 6 gains a day & was good for 2 weeks. Then out of no where I had a mild bout of pancreatitis. We think maybe a mild viral infection. In taking it easy on my pancreas I didn’t eat much, didn’t take any supplements, & cut my thyroid meds way back to 2 grains a day – it all balanced out for a sold week.
Then suddenly Friday all went horribly wrong. I fell hard, so exhausted I couldn’t stop crying. My husband made a bath for me to try & relax, & even after taking 3 grains, the bath seemed to contribute. He had to physically help me out of the bath & help me into pajamas & bed- at 8pm. I woke somewhere around 11 because my heart was pounding frantically with a long pause occasionally- like my heart was sighing. I was so out of it I wasn’t sure what to do, so I only took 1 grain & went back to sleep. When I got up in the morning Nathan validated that my symptoms fit with a thyroid drop, so I took a double dose.
Since then I’ve been taking the 6 to even 6.5 grains a day, & I’m just starting to get back to normal. Of course, it’s only been two days since that horrible drop. My theory is that my thyroid is attempting to function better, & when my adrenals get riled (fighting an infection) it kicks my thyroid back up. Hence why I didn’t need so much medicine. But when the adrenal function fell back down, post infection, it was like the lights getting shut off. I was screwed because I couldn’t tell what was happening because logic went out the window first- brain fog is horrible because you think you’re ok, just a bit slow or off, when in reality you’re missing everything important.
The reason I’m guessing is because I simply don’t have to resources to do the testing to know for certain. Obama care, aka affordable care act, is anything but. My policy is free to me being low income, but doesn’t cover anything until I’ve spent $13,000. An oxymoron: low income, but fork out 13 grand before we cover anything. Of course the next policy up I could get for $60 a month, but that’s what I had last year, & I still spent a thousand dollars on doctors and scripts for me and Nathan. So I opted to skip the monthly bill & just know that anything I do, I have to pay cash for.
So, the blood testing is simply not in that plan. The full thyroid panel alone costs $250 each time it’s run, & if your thyroid seems to be fluctuating, you have to do the blood draw every time it seems to shift to know exactly how it’s shifting. Then the nutrient panel cost is about $400, & there is an additional iron panel that tells you if your body is using the iron that’s being absorbed. Then there is the gender hormone panel (tells you how much estrogen, progesterone, & testosterone- which do affect thyroid function), then there is the adrenal function/hormone test. All in all I could drop $1500 just for the initial work up, & several hundred dollars for the tests that might be contributing to fluctuations.
Things would be solved much faster with that, but it’s not impossible without it, so I’m opting for the affordable trial & error. Especially since I have such a desire to have a real home, that I’m doing the trailer rebuild. Can’t put all of your measly resources into two giant costs at once. Have to pick one. My theory is if I can get the home done, then if I fail at solving my health I’ll at least have someplace I enjoy to spend the rest of my days on earth. Hopefully it won’t come to that, but it’s the worst case scenario that led the decision. Of course what didn’t help: hearing this week of 2 famous people that have spent millions going to hundreds of doctors chasing cures over years worth of time. I don’t have the money, time, or resources to do that, so if I can’t solve it on my own then I’m just screwed anyway.
Here’s to planning for the worst & hoping for the best! Cheers!