So my husband likes to tell me that I’m quotable. The title is one such instance. It was an analogy to follow up a statement regarding Anya’s hair. She has battled with her hair her whole life and doesn’t like it- being half like black hair, and half like Caucasian hair; so I said you can’t really truly change your hair – as in going from curly to naturally straight. So I said if you can’t change it, then learn how to make it the way you want with the least amount of trouble.
That’s what I’m doing with my whole life. I’ve tried and tried, and worked very hard at trying to unburry our little family. Every time, I’ve gotten the proverbial smack down, & ended up no better off.
Almost 11 years ago, I willingly climbed into the hole with Nathan. I saw a good man that had been ruined in a nasty divorce, not of his making. I’ve never heard another person say, I just want to see my daughter and keep my house, so many times. My heart went out to him & his daughter. The hole was created when the divorce ordered him to pay post dated child support for Anya’s entire life to that point (about 14 months, & 6 grand), & ordered that regardless of his X’s portion of mortgage payments (less than 1/4 because of her not working during college) he had to settle half of the equity of the home (almost 8 grand). Because his X didn’t want to ever see him again, she fought everything, to the point her lawyer confessed he was sick of her. The divorce finally wrapped up after Anya turned 1, and cost 10 grand. So by the time he refinanced to accomplish the house requirement, he started in the hole by $24,000, just because he refused to walk away from his daughter all together. That was on top of his student debt.
I should have seen that was a bad idea, especially since I had my own college debt and a car to pay for. But I was in love with a man AND his beautiful smart daughter. I couldn’t see them both ruined if I could do anything to prevent it.
I moved in and tried to help pay for EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, it was a losing battle. I had barely finished college and was still working my student jobs, & Nathan hadn’t finished college much before me and was also still working in the same field that put him through college & enabled the house. Neither paid well.
I did eventually find a job in my field of education, but it was an entry level position with a small business, and didn’t pay any better than my previous position. Shortly later Nathan was fired because he refused to give up visitation with Anya knowing his X never allowed him to adjust, & his work essentially said work or be fired. Long story short, he took his daughter over his job, and I can’t fault him for that.
However, the 2 put together meant the house went into foreclosure. I had already entered back into school for massage hoping it would help, and finished right as the foreclosure was finalized. We had to stay with my parents for a while. I found the first massage job I could that would put us closer to Anya and we found a rental out in the country dirt cheap. I did my best, but things never did turn to the better. That year I lost my car- repossessed, we went some months without utilities.
Our most memorable moment was when we didn’t have gas service, so we were cooking on the grill at the park across the street. I lit the fire, dropped the corn cobs on, realized I forgot tongs, & as soon as I came back out I realized the corn was engulfed in flames. I sprinted back & pulled the cobs off as the foil wrappers began to disintegrate. We had the most delicious 4 minute corn ever!
Finally though, we had to admit that the move was a failure. Try, try again!
We knew people in Kansas City, and discussed with them possibilities. They offered to help us transition. We used our tiny Toyota truck to move everything we owned down into storage in 2 trips. It was comical how tall the tarp wrapped truck was.
The friends kicked us out by December. That holiday season was hard for us. We did find a rental quickly, but had no money to spare, & the jobs we managed to get when we got to KC weren’t great.
Then Nathan got sick. I became sole financier. I almost failed. We were days shy of being evicted when I finally started catching up. Then my Gallbladder went bad, & the whole mess fell apart. We already had almost $100,000 from Nathan’s medical adventure, so fortunately the hospital didn’t bat an eye on writing mine off. His journey has been challenging, & I’d rather have him alive than dead, so I’ve accepted my role, but damn. When the best thing you can say about it is that his student loans quit chasing him due to permanent disability, that’s not saying much. The circumstances of his hospital stay & diagnosis meant that we could never get disability to go through, so I’m it.
We tried to save money by living with another family, but dysfunction meant our cat almost got eaten by their dog. I was done. We moved again!
This time to a small apartment, utilities paid by the building, but no laundry services. Not a huge deal until we discovered the building was infested with bed bugs. Do you have any idea how much it costs to wash and dry everything you own -including bedding and stuffed animals- at a laundromat every 2 to 3 months. And then we got full custody of Anya when her mom died of cancer. Bedbugs & a grieving pre-teen do NOT go together.
I AM SO DONE!
So now, I’ve relegated myself to making the best of being poor. I’m going to build our home: by hand, from scratch, as I can pay for supplies. Then I’ll save up some money & move it, put in a well, septic, solar panels, & small wind turbine, & build a greenhouse. Then add on for the grandparents & aunt, then from there we’ll be set & I can work just enough to pay for taxes, non-grown food, & vehicle related expenses.
I think I can realistically accomplish all of that in 10 years, maybe less.
I’ve decided the thing that bugs me most about all of the law of attraction hype is the lack of action & the loss of perspective. Yes, anything is possible, but it may not be probable at all, or at least in your lifetime. Beyond probability, how can anything happen if you don’t DO anything tangible. If you aren’t attempting to do anything that will produce money, then you’re not gong to see any. HELL, if I can spend a decade doing my level best to make money- including running my own business, & none ever does manifest; how the hell are you going to while sitting on your ass making vision boards.
If you want X but never do anything that could result in X, then you’ll never get X.
Y +Z does not = X
A+B+C+D+E+F+G+ .etc might eventually = X
So, I’ll take the latter, & if the universe eventually decides to say “atta boy” and drop more money in my lap, or suddenly allow my previous actions to be more lucrative, then great. I’M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH ANYMORE! I’m going to just make the best I can of a crappy life of poverty with the understanding that I’ve done everything I know & can do to attempt to make things better, including going to school twice to try & change that. I’m willing to learn, I’m willing to act, I’m willing to do, I’m willing to work hard, I’m willing to help others and support others,
& will continue to do all of those things regardless as to whether the universe/divine honors me or rewards me for all of my efforts.