Sugar is a drug. 

That is something I overheard today,  and I will agree whole heartedly. 

I am currently doing better mood wise, but I have been fighting with myself to eat clean.  I logically know that my allergens are bad for me, and leave me very miserable.  Yet, EVERY time I see a goodie,  full of things I know I shouldn’t eat,  my automatic response is – that looks sooo good,  just one little bit won’t hurt. 

Yet it does.   Previous to this week, I had failed a lot,  I had totally fallen of the wagon and virtually gave up. I was extremely miserable.  This week I’ve fudged twice. 4 bites of cheesecake one day,  & a handful fried mushrooms another.  Yet my muscles are as inflamed and tight  as ever. My eyes goopy, my sinuses clogged, headaches,  psoriasis on my chest, eczema on my face.  All symptoms of my allergies.  I know better,  so why do I do that. 

I’m grieving over the loss of foods,  while also fighting a very real chemical dependence on sugar.  My brain is literally addicted to that wonderful drug.  The two very mentally difficult situations together means I need extreme will power.

When I was pregnant, it was somehow easier because I was making decisions for two. Now that I’m alone in the process,  I am finding that I actually have to talk myself through not eating something,  and even then I still fail more often than I’d like to admit.

The reality is I’m not truly alone. There are people in my life that are doing their best to support me and encourage me. However,  when I  logically know that they don’t feel the effects of those foods the way I  do, I  still gravitate to feeling alone in the process.  I just can’t help that. 

So then this morning I see a cinnamon roll tray, & it calls my name. I literally tell myself “no, it’ll hurt later, you don’t really want that” and keep walking as my tummy grumbles. Thinking all the while,  where’s the fruit bowl, at least pick an apple or banana instead. I did find the fruit and opted for the banana:  more sugar you know- not that I need the sugar.  In fact I really don’t,  my brain just wants it, and badly. 

In my universe though a banana is still better  than the cinnamon roll,  because instead of losing both battles, I have at least won the allergy battle; and sometimes that’s enough. 
I spend enough time beating myself up,  that I’ll take any win I can get.

Then I turn around and find myself in a discussion with someone as to one of the many causes of depression:  nutrient deficiency. I’m aware of this,  yet the woman I was speaking with was trying to be helpful, she was trying to provide me with a new view and something to try.   She did offer an anecdote new to me, she spoke of a farmer who made that very discovery when his pigs had been acting very strange. Mad if you will, spinning in circles,  running head-on into things.  They originally thought the pigs were sick,  but when lab results came back clean,  they were at a loss.  Finally they thought to change the pigs’ diet, they chose a more nutritious feed, & the madness subsided. 

I hear things like this, & my internal dialogue becomes “you knew this,  why the hell can’t you  just behave and eat clean”. Because I do know it, and I’m very, very aware of how foods affect both my body and my brain. Yet, I am fighting a sugar addiction,  and forcing myself to permanently erradicate foods from my experience,  which does cause grief.

 Yet, I am bombarded daily, in every environment with foods that are huge no-no’s, things I know I’m allergic to. Even people that believe that food allergies are not real,  or just a fad. My own biological family thinks that. Fortunately my husband understands. 

I can’t tell you how much I miss corn chips, how sad watching others eat loaded baked potatoes makes me,  how down I get because nearly all deserts have 2 or more of my allergens. 

Yet, I still strive to do a little better each day that I’m able.  I do my best to stick to dark chocolate,  because there are exactly 2 brands of dark chocolate that are allergen free for me, & a few others that have only traces of soy. I do my best to stick to veggies that are known safe foods.  And I do my best to stay healthy for my children. 

And now I find myself doing my best to be nice to myself,  even when I’ve failed,  because I know I’m doing my best. 

One day, maybe,  just maybe,  God/Divine will  heal me- or eradicate the foods  from my experience.  I honestly believe the former would be easier, but that’s assuming God would spend time healing one little old me, over spending time eliminating a problem for a whole  population of people. Because, I  also know, I AM NOT ALONE. We may seem to be the fringes of  society, but the numbers of people with food allergies or other Auto Immune/Endocrine diseases/disorders is growing as astronomically fast as autism. #VaxxedTheMovie
I continue pray every day for a solution to come to light for the health of the American people. We need it more than anything. 

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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