Open letter on love.

You. You found me through one of many avenues.  You decided you wanted to know me, something you saw got your attention. You opened up conversation.

I would have never known the difference if I’d never responded,  or if you’d simply never messaged. 

But I did. 

You knew I was polyamorous. You asked me why I even tried to be poly.  I explained that Nathan was poly before I’d met him, and that we’d mutually agreed to acknowledge the possibility of,  and a desire to attempt to find/the ability to truly love more than one person. Polyamory is about love and support more than anything else. 

You asked me about my relationships.  I told stories freely. When I wrote of the 2 or 3 that I really cared about that didn’t work out,  you asked if it bothered me or if I thought of  them often. I answered honestly with sometimes,  and that I will always love them from afar.

You told me of your fiance: that you had to get married,  but didn’t know what she was open to. Followed shortly by we can’t fall in love.  I have wondered many times why you’d seek out someone polyamorous and then deny love a chance.  I guess I  sort of understand now. 

The problem is that you can’t tell love what to do.

You told me I had lots of experience in relationships.  I’d say in the grand scheme of all things, it’s more of an average to low amount,  yet I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough to say that out of those people only a few still have space in my heart.

You still have space in my heart.

You cared enough to have real engaging conversions.  You genuinely wanted my opinions, my stories,  my views. You had more questions than statements,  but when I needed input the most,  you gave  it. You told me just enough to cause me to want to know everything. 

And you never actually said goodbye.  I think you’re afraid.  If it weren’t for fear, I think you’d still be messaging me. For that I keep sending prayers on you’re behalf. 

You know my faith waxes and wanes, and that I have a greater understanding of yours than most. In fact that’s another element we share- not so typical faith, at least for the average American. 

Regardless,  I still think of you.  I do love you.  I never said it because you said I  couldn’t.  I wanted to say it a thousand times. The closest I got was telling you I had an incurable desire to just hold your hands. It was true, it was all true.

It didn’t help when I discovered that we were driving the exact same car- 1 model year apart. Mine being a borrowed vehicle. Synchronicity like that in my life has always been a divine message.

I trusted you,  and still do. My intuition tells me just enough that I can’t hold your dissappearing, or what I  perceive  as fibs, against you. I hope one day you’ll feel this connection too.

I admitted that you weren’t the only person I was courting.  I acknowledged that the others didn’t catch my fancy like you did.  The bit that was missing is that I’d met a couple of the others in person, and was completely turned off. They were good looking enough,  very fit  & attractive,  but my intuition told me they weren’t right.

I’ve never met you,  never seen your face,  but my gut tells me we’d  be a perfect fit. I get messages from whoever or whatever divine presence picks music in my environment. The music always fits my thoughts of, and feelings toward you. It doesn’t matter where I am: grocery store,  work,  driving with the radio on.  It always fits.  There has to be a reason, yet damn if I know what it is or why I keep getting these music messages. 

It’s been essentially 3 months since I’ve heard from you.  With one exception, I know it was a failed goodbye. I still think of you daily.  I don’t know why. I wish we’d met in person, I feel like you’d have definitely felt what I still do.

I  feel that you have the potential to be a wonderful part of my life, fiancee/wife or not. Especially since Nathan agrees with me. I shared every conversation  with Nathan & he always validated everything I felt. He liked you every bit I did, and has apologized to me many times over the last 3 months for your disappearance. 

Yet I still have this inner knowing that tells me you’re hurting every bit as much as I am. If only you could find an answer, a work around, for the constructs in your life. Poly is designed to create loving abundance in your life. I wish that for you.

I love you and wish the best for you regardless of weather you come back to me or not. I send gratitude for our wonderful synchronicity.  Be well and be safe my blessed.

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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