Google Surveys, giving me play store credits, has enabled me to build my already massive music library even bigger. Listening to new songs like Kaleo’s “Way Down We Go” and old favorites like Flogging Molly’s “Float”, I find myself contemplating beliefs and my life again. I suppose it’s better than ruminating on one topic.
According to Abraham Hicks: “A Belief is simply a thought that you keep thinking”. That was their explanation, but part of a larger discussion on essentially habitual thoughts. By their definition many thoughts can fall under belief.
We often think of beliefs as being religious in nature, and true many of them are, but not all are according to that definition.
For instance, I consider myself Pagan, as that seems to be the closest label to put on my religious beliefs. Being raised in a split faith family, Mom being Catholic and Dad being Mormon, I saw at an early age that religion was merely someone’s definition of how to attempt to get closer to God. Catholics and Mormons have many similarities, though they can’t seem to see it or find that common ground in practical interactions. I noticed that they liked to argue over seemingly simple things like whether or not Coffee was an OK drink, but ultimately it was because someone somewhere had labeled it as not being good, and then a bunch of people agreed that drinking coffee would keep you from reaching God. When really maybe it does for some and not others. I always did wonder why they couldn’t agree to disagree on what works best for them in reaching God.
That was just in my family dynamics, not to mention how I later perceived the millennia long battle that still rages today in the middle east over essentially the same issue. It may be a little more complex than that, but ultimately it boils down to who was there first and who is “right”. It seems such a waste of human lives for thousands of years to keep arguing over such an insignificant issue. I mean really Judiasm, Christianity, and Islam share the same original teachings of the old testament, and their differences lie much later, so why fight war after war for centuries? Just to try and claim the title of “We’re right!”.
But that is a tangent, my beliefs are what started this blog post.
So, religiously I see the divine as a masculine feminine duality that manifests in a myriad of archetypal forms or labels. I’ve heard it compared to as a gem with facets, God being the gem, and the archetypal forms being the facets. I like that analogy. That’s why it un-phases me to switch between the old pantheons, I see the different deities in each pantheon as being ethnic labels of the same archetypes. Hence my previous post referencing Kali and Brighid as being two divine creatirces, because they are essentially the same archetype from 2 separate pantheons: Celtic and Hindu. It’s the same reason I can listen to and sing Sanskrit mantras and turn around and reference something Bhuddha is credited for and turn around and speak of Bast or Bacchus. They are all merely facets of the same God diamond or Goddess opal. So as far as faith goes I seem to have fairly flexible beliefs.
Not much good it’s done me. I see messages, I hear messages, but I rarely understand them, and they do little in the way of improving my life situation. I do believe in psychic abilities, though mine seem to be spotty at best and completely unreliable at worst. At this point the trajectory my life has taken is so treacherous that I hardly think anyone would willingly choose it, yet I still have a belief that we- at least in part- choose aspects of our life journey before being born. I have yet to figure out why I have those 2 dissonant beliefs, especially since my journey seems to be so daunting that it literally scares people I care about away.
I have beliefs on money that I know are literally habitually ingrained from watching my parents as a small child. So much so, that I have yet to break them, and I fear that it is not only preventing my growth and financial abundance, but it is also self-perpetuating in being passed on to my children. Especially considering that Anya is about to be 12 and Ian is already almost to the magic age of 3 where most beliefs area already learned and being ingrained in our brains. I fear these beliefs have already done, and are likely to continue to do irreparable damage- but perhaps that is just another belief.
I have beliefs on social interactions, and government goings on, and aliens, and conspiracy theories, and vaccines, and things that are healthy or not. I have beliefs on education, and success, and whether or not my family listens to me, and so many more.
All of which I find myself constantly attempting to evaluate in real time and rephrase when possible. For instance I’ve noticed that I have almost a mantra of my husband and kids don’t listen to me, and I’ve been actively attempting to retrain my brain with “they listen, but like anyone can, they often forget or get distracted”. I don’t know that it is the end all, be all, fix for that particular belief, but it does feel better than “no one listens to me”. That is ultimately what we’re supposed to be reaching for right? Just a little better and a little better, until eventually you can see that there is improvement.
Then Louise Hay in her book “You Can Heal Your Life” explains that disease and discomfort are essentially outward manifestations of negative beliefs you carry about yourself and your life. Thus many of her solutions involve the mantra “I Love Mysef” or “The universe is safe and I am supported”.
I find that I have been working with those a lot this week and I am still and struggling with pain. My neck locked up two days ago, and my calves are on the verge of creating shin splints and plantar fasciatis because they have been in pain for nearly 2 weeks. Now granted I am working out 2 to 4 times a week, and that will contribute to leg pain of any kind, but I’ve also had a massage and a chiropractic adjustment in the last week. SO, Im left with the fact that this pain, that keeps migrating around my body, must be energetic.
Dear Louise says that pain is really guilt, and I have to say I can’t argue with that. I do feel guilt. Guilt that my family is suffering the financial strains that mine and Nathan’s journey has created. Guilt that I don’t have a great, wonderful, comfy, secure home with running water. Guilt that I don’t have enough cash flow to anticipate car repairs or other emergency situations. Guilt that I don’t have a decent vehicle. In fact, I would say that I feel utterly ashamed that I have tried so many different things, moved us so many times, changed jobs many times over as well, I have 2 different educations, and I still can’t provide for my small family what most Americans take for granted. It lends to beating myself up, but it also lends to being bitter over American Societies’ standards and feeling furthermore a dunce for not being able to figure things out. I would say I’m definitely having trust issues with the Universe’s support, and any time there is shame it becomes a huge dark cloud over self-love.
It’s not that I can’t find good qualities in myself. There are many, as I started to outline in a previous post. I would say that generally speaking I do love myself, as I’ve managed to fight many battles in my life and I find myself sitting here in a very Monty Python kind of way screaming “Get Back Here! I Can Still Bite Your Knees Off!”. It’s just that my self-love has been overshadowed by the very real shame and guilt I feel, compounded by being in the environment I am most ashamed of.
I find myself wishing that the image, of when Shiva appeared to me while sitting on my front porch, was real. I was dealing with a somewhat scary spirit on the land, I could feel a very intense heavy oppressive sensation, when I called out to the divine for help. That moment a beautiful Shiva came and said it was ok, he’d help, and sure enough the image of Shiva literally consumed the dragon-like bear image I had of the oppressive spirit lingering outside. I felt calm and peace and that the other spirit had been run off, at least for the time being.
I do wish that would work with my life in general. I wish there was someone, anyone, that would look at my long list of woes, hold me and tell me that it was OK, because they were there to help. Yet, it’s not in the cards, at least for now. It might someday, maybe eventually, thus I leave the door open for possibilities, and hold out a little shred of hope. For now, I continue on my self-work. I will slowly work on my body and my mind, relaxing the muscles over and over again, telling myself that even though things have not gone as planned, the war isn’t over yet. That I still have many battles left in me, and there is no guilt or shame in that because I haven’t given up. That’s all I can do. I’m human, and all that is ever expected of any human is to just keep trying, just keep doing. I’ve learned a lot, and I will continue to learn each and every day of my life. Perhaps at some point those lessons will net substantial gains in my physical reality, but regardless I will do my best. For that I shall always love myself. No one else can dictate what my best is at any given moment, only I can define that, and I know I will always do my best. I will hold onto that in the knowing that the divine would expect no less and no more, and that the divine is supporting me in that journey. Self-work continues.