Ok, so I really want to write that 4th installment of Atira. However, I’m really struggling today. Just when I thought I had cleared the other side, I fall back down. I want to play ostrich right now. No, I want to sing pretty songs, I want to feel good, but truly I feel like crap.
Yesterday is when it really started to hit. I have yet to figure out why because I’ve been good on diet, supplements, and exercise (at least until I was already struggling last night- then I had typical emotional eating food). The only thing missing is sunlight- is that really the cause. Of course, it could be a hormone swing- being a woman and all I can’t avoid that stupid cycle every month. I’ve begun to wonder though, if what Americans consider a normal part of the female cycle, is really normal or not. I was doing great, now I’m not. *Perplexed*
Anyway, I’m having trouble focusing on anything positive, and I feel like I want to cry.
Yesterday when it hit, I was about to head to the Y, and had run into Whole Foods for some coconut water to help with leg cramps. I took a moment before leaving the parking lot to speak to the divine. I literally said “I know I’m supposed to be having patience right now, but at this moment I just really wish that he(online man) was here so that I could just get a hug and have someone tell me that everything was going to be OK. I just really need a hug right now.”
I sighed and drove away headed to the Y for my workout.
That was the Whole foods at 119th and Metcalf. By the time I got to 95th and Metcalf, a silver car puled up next to me at the stop light. I looked over and saw the word HUG on the license plate. The full plate read 986 HUG. I started bawling and repeated “Thank You” over and over again.
Today I find myself trying to cling to that energetic hug, still wishing for the real thing. I’ve struggled through the morning with nothing to show for it. My work day is not going as planned, thus sitting here writing. I’m going to try again in a few, but my hopes are not “UP” today. I find that my brain wants to think only of the negatives, the mess at home, the problems I face, the communication problems with family, and the fact that I simply feel very very overwhelmed and at a loss for solutions.
I told the divine months ago that I had no answers and needed help in a big miraculous multi-purpose multi-solution sort of way, and I am doing my best to be patient, but today’s emotional ball of wax is just not helping. I feel like I just need a nugget, even if the whole miracle is still in bound, I just need a little taste of relief. Just something to take the edge off. Please.
And with that, I’ll go try again (even though I’d really like to crawl back in bed- which is a 90min drive from me right now). *FROWN* …. Finding the love: must find the love.
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