So, I’m totally going to blame the emotional nose dive on my hormones. It rained all of the days this week. and I got my usually workouts in, and mostly I ate well, with few minimal slips.
I did herbally self-medicate this weekend to deal with the worst of my anxiety and negative mood, and though I know that is less desirable than being fine, it’s also a bit better (in my opinion) than being the monster that my dysfunctional brain is capable of. It’s literally my break-in-case-of-emergency to-keep-from-rampaging fix. It worked, and now I’m on the upswing again.
My work-week is starting okay, the messages and love are flowing again, and I’m feeling okay.
Post-self-medicating last night, and before falling asleep, an email notified me one of the blogs I follow had posted again. The blog has multiple authors and occasionally inundates me with email notifications, but last night one caught my eye and I started reading before falling asleep. It really, really resonated…. read here if you like. I have to say that everything that he wrote about had crossed my mind at some point. I did resonate with “The Matrix” and I have tried to wrap my brain around “There is no Spoon” a thousand times.
I don’t know if it was Fillipe’s perspective, or the state that I was in after my weekend, and so close to drifting off to sleep, or if it’s just starting to click. I simply don’t know, but it somehow is.
So, this morning on the way to work, it hit me this week has been full of epiphanies. I texted my husband: “Do EVERYTHING: with love for the divine, as if there is no spoon, and as if we’re moving into Atira with (him [and his wife]) in September…. my lesson for the week. We still have to eat, sleep, and function, but would certain things become more priority if that was the perspective. & would likewise other things fall away being less important. Like I’d be planning for a giant fire!”
Realizing I tried to cram a huge concept into a small text, I thought I better expand on it for myself and my husband.
1st My Do EEVERYTHING statement:
Literally everything gets some love put into it:
For instance I found myself saying to myself this morning that I am getting up and going to work because I love my family enough to support them. I really picked my outfit (something I do a lot anyway) because I wanted to love myself by looking cute- I really do enjoy when I look good, especially when I look good enough that others notice and compliment me. I drove to work knowing that my miles may be many, but it takes me to residents I’ve worked with for several years and whom have come to look forward to my visits and really appreciate what I do for them. Acknowledging that, I then gave myself love for wanting to help others enough that, it shows in my interactions enough that, they do want me to keep coming back. I then sent that love to the residents because I appreciate that they appreciate me. A little love makes the day go much better- it even helped when the few crazy moments happened.
During my 1st session, the resident had on Rachael Ray and she was interviewing Craig Ferguson. He made a comment in regards to the query of the worst job he’s ever had; about how even when he’s interviewing someone he doesn’t particularly want to, he just reminds himself “it’s not as bad as delivering milk in the snow in December”. That’s the funny way of looking at the fact that there’s always something that you could be doing that is worse. I HEARD THE MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR. Because he’s right (both Craig and God) there is always something I could be doing that’s worse. I immediately remembered my days driving for First Student- by far my worst job ever. It made me appreciate today that much more. Today was easy compared to a day on a school bus, especially when roads are bad due to weather. The love flowed just a bit more.
Then there’s: as if “There is no Spoon”.
This is just one big illusion cooked up by our brains, set in place with preconceived notions and patterns of expectations. I usually expect my days to be boring, but today I was startled by a resident suddenly taking a leak in front of me, and followed by another resident wishing me luck as her version of “have a good afternoon”. Neither of which I would normally expect to happen, but I was so busy thinking about other things they both caught me off guard and I thought to myself should I be running for the bathroom, or buying a lottery ticket, or both!
Acknowledging the illusion then seems to open doors for messages every time I allow it. Between Craig’s statement and and a billboard I saw with bright orange and a boy wearing a green shirt (a reference for me to flag colors), and several other smaller things. I knew the messages were flowing. The billboard was so obvious for me that I actually laughed and said “well played, good one”, which I then got the tingles down my spine that tells me I was heard. I still don’t quite think I’m getting all the messages, but I think I’m starting to get enough of the messages that “they” are attempting to send more and more. I feel like I am inundated with messages, and I’m just not comprehending all of them yet.
So my side of “There is no spoon” is thinking about all of the things that I’d rather be seeing. I’ve started, but not yet completed the next installment blog post of Atira to expound on that.
For now I’ll just give an example. I got upset again about dishes piled up this weekend, after a few minutes of fuming, I flipped my thoughts to “Why am I mad, what do I want to see?” Ultimately I want to have a really good dishwasher so that no one has to invest any significant time into doing dishes. I want running water so that the dishwasher functions, and I can easily wash hands, take showers, have a bath, and do laundry- all things that have been not only time consuming and difficult this year, but have been mentally taxing because of all the thought that goes into completing them without running water systems. I then started thinking of related topics and how many things would be easier or simpler, definitely less time consuming if we had all the modern amenities. I realized that really my anger and frustration is a lack of acknowledging the appreciation I have for the other side of things.
So I’ve been working very hard on focusing on the appreciation for the other things and letting the anger and frustration go. I simply think about the opposite, what is the opposite, why do I like the opposite, what would be benefited by having, using, and/or doing the opposite, what ripple effect would that possibly have in my life. Then I acknowledge to the divine that yes I do want that, and no- I have no idea how to get there, and please help me to bring that back into my life, I will honor you for your help in my life by helping others do the same.
So far, it’s only really alleviated my mental state, but it seems like the messages I’m getting imply that: I’m being heard and help is on it’s way. I’m still holding onto that energetic Hug that I got on Thursday. I really hope that help is the BIG multi-purpose, multi-functional help I’ve been asking for. I have such big dreams, I’d love to see them come true.
And that leads me to my final: Do EVERYTHING as if you’re moving in September.
I don’t have the resources to do even a tiny fraction of what I’ve dreamt, at least right now. So, thinking about moving tomorrow or next week is unbelievable. However, I’m getting messages, I know someone (I believe the divine) is hearing me, and the messages have implied good things headed my way- even implied by the end of the year. So, thinking about receiving a miracle that enables big and good changes by the end of the year is much more believable.
That is faith.
I’m having and holding faith that help is on the way, and that my dreams are much more within reach than my brain previously believed. I am allowing my previously held constructs to fall away to enable lots of new things in my life. Or at least as much as I’m able to at this point in time- baby steps. Sometimes it’s easy, like when I saw the billboard and laughed. Sometimes it’s hard, I have to work on convincing myself: like when I used my healed burn to reinforce that my body can and is actively working on healing other more major things such as my thyroid issues.
One of the ways I am doing that is by evaluating activities based on my desires. I think, if I had the resources to start Atira by the end of the year, how would this activity be handled. Sometimes the answer is the same because that is then, and I’m in the now. Dishes and laundry are a good example of that. I need them now, so I have to function in the construct already in place. In which case I take a moment to think of how it will be eventually- the what I want appreciation conversation.
However, things like finishing off the trash pile, and working on the remodel are now under new light. If the resources are manifested miraculously, then both would have drastically different outcomes. I’d pay for a roll-away and a couple of young men to do the work on the trash pile, and if the trailer did get finished (to be one of the tiny homes in Atira), I’d pay someone else to do the work. So then, I have to sit back and evaluate each and every thing that is on my GIANT To Do list and see if things need re-arranged, taken off, or re-thought as far as how to accomplish them. It doesn’t mean I’m just going to quit. It means rather that I’m attempting to work smarter not harder and do things in the most logical way assuming that my dreams are indeed on their way to reality.
At this point it’s all I’ve got. Faith and myself. Make the best of it, right?
Finally, the fire comment is more about a practical issue.
We’ve been battling the bed bugs again. Apparently despite spending thousands of dollars over the last 3.5 years fighting them, some have survived. We thought we were meticulous in treating things that were moved, especially if we didn’t put them into storage. Yet, we still have the damn bugs back. I hate them, detest them. I’ve sprayed gallons of toxic chemicals trying to kill them, done loads and loads of laundry for the same purpose. Yet, they persist.
So, in acknowledgement that I simply can’t win that war, I now know the only way to win and truly kill the bugs is to burn every soft good and even some of the hard goods that we own. If I try to donate any of it, I risk giving that horrible infestation to someone else- something I can’t bring myself to do. I normally would abhor such blatant wastefulness, but the damn bed bugs are insidious. I have sprayed every crack and crevasse hundreds of times, we’ve treated and washed and dried every soft thing we own dozens of times. And “They’re Back!” Like the evil spirits from “Poltergeist”. Thus like felling the house in “Poltergeist” I perceive that to be the only way to ensure neither us, nor anyone else, ever has to deal with our batch of bed bugs again. Curse that damn apartment complex for sharing them with us!
SO, that is how I’m proceeding: giving LOVE, SEEING the ILLUSION, having FAITH, and planning for A GREAT FIRE and MOVE.
Wish me luck and send your prayers that all works out in the end.