This morning started with a jab to my full bladder by my 2 year old. I didn’t want to wake up to begin with, sleep was good. I launched straight into cranky.
No wonder Ian then didn’t want to listen to me or cooperate. He’s such a good mirror.
After using the restroom & getting him changed & also using the toilet, I sat out to release the chickens from their confinement. More grumbling over trash & recyclables scattered about.
Ok. Chill the F out. Oh no, too much to ask.
Breakfast & TV, Ian still not listening, & Nathan asking me what’s wrong. I didn’t have a good answer.
He pointed out I get grumpy every time Anya is gone. I couldn’t argue. She’s gone until Monday, for fun in the Ozarks with friends. I’m jealous, I’m frustrated over the loss of help with Ian, but more I’m just missing someone I love. Step-mom or not, we’ve been connected for all 12 years of her life. I’ve watched her grow up, helped her as much as I could, taught her things, experienced the joys and everything else of childhood. Most of my actions over the years linked back to supporting Nathan and Anya and helping keep their relationship and our family intact. I love her, & so I miss her when she’s gone.
The TV was shut off. Ian and I needed a reset.
Then the rain began. Dark, dreary, but cool & cleansing. Ian & I watched from the sofa. All the “noise” was coming from either Ian or the rain hitting the house. It was more peaceful. I decided to check the emails that’d come in earlier.
The Abraham email reinforced what Nathan pointed out. I need to find my happy.:
The standard of success in life isn’t the things. It isn’t the money or the stuff — it is absolutely the amount of joy you feel.
Excerpted from Lincroft, NJ – Tuesday, October 15th, 1996
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)
I’m not too far in the hole, really just a bit cranky, so it shouldn’t be too hard.
Then I started reading another email where the blog author was looking at herself, avoiding judgement, and how difficult that was. I felt that one. Her non-judgemental writing was beautiful and I could see how her tune changed, her vocabulary was so much more beautiful, and I could feel the shift. Is that why it’s so hard to do? To shift mentally from one extreme to the other, that’s quite a leap. The mental energy required to do so must be why it feels so daunting and difficult. Yet the results are so worth it, her straight forward description was so beautifully written it caused me to get choked up imaging what words I might use to describe my physical self.
Then the last email brought me to tears. It was:
Inspirational Kahlil Gibran Quotes – Logical Quotes
I was unfamiliar with this author, but the words were so intense. I immediately thought of my friend who’s out east right now. I’m missing him so much. The Kahlil words tugged at my heart. Despite having messages, and faithful confidence, I found myself feeling pangs of sadness. I felt disconnected. I felt that he’s so out of reach right now, and all I want to do is hug and hold him close.
Yet some of the quotes spoke of love made in difficult times, and I immediately thought of Nathan. Our love is so strong because of our ability to endure. I can’t imagine a world without Nathan in my life. He’s supported me through the most difficult and intense depression, he’s kept me from the brink of suicide. He’s walked through every change with me and held my hand and done things himself just to support my journey of finding mental health. He’s benefited from all of that, but it would not have happened if not for our bond of love. I’m ever so grateful. The joyous moments are there too, but Kahlil is right in that the difficulties endure in memory. His love and support in those difficulties means so much more because he could have given up on me and walked away. He chose to keep coming back, he chose to support me through thick and thin, he made love matter more. That is priceless.
So this morning is full of love and introspection. Ian is 2. I love him, and I know he loves me even though he has a really ‘strange to me’ way of showing it. So I’m sitting with the quotes, feeling the feelings, acknowledging they all stem from an original feeling of love. Perhaps as I focus on and resonate with that love, my day will improve. Then, if the rain clears I’ll show you my garden. It will be a good day regardless.