I would have thought with my super accepting views on death, that I would have escaped grief.
In the past when I’ve lost a favorite resident-client, I would get a little droopier for a day or two. I thought it was just the ‘missing them’ factor. Which I suppose is a mild form of grief.
Today has sucked though. Even with Nate’s post-mortem visit Wednesday night/ Thursday morning, I’m feeling the loss.
He was a good man that did his best for his family. He was a good friend. When I was faced with the crap on the news today, I thought why do the good ones die and leave us behind. Why can’t the assholes of the world like Trump be the ones getting cancer and dieing? In that moment the world seemed so unbalanced and unfair.
I found myself being frustrated, being sad, being angry. I took the messenger app off my phone thinking my friend was never to text me again, giving up. I wanted to throw in the towel.
I found a quiet room at work. Dropped my head to the table and cried.
After crying I found my breath and resumed my work. Didn’t want to, just went through the motions for a bit. Zoned out to keep moving. At one point I got a mental image of an older woman on oxygen and thought of one of my previous residents Elanor. She was smiling at me, and so I said “Thank you Elanor”.
Then late in the day, just before leaving work, the universe (or Nate or the lady I thought was Elanor maybe) surprised me.
I was gifted a pile of beautiful new clothing that was from a co-worker’s recently deceased mom who had a penchant for overspending & not using what was bought. The clothes were very pretty, so much so that I would have gasped in delight if I’d found them at a thrift store. Then, to discover they are my current size and most still had their original sales tags on them. It was wonderful.
It was a good and needed distraction. I look forward to showing them to my Nathan.
After that I sat down and played piano for the handful of people milling around- a few residents & 3 employees. It was more for me than them, but they congratulated me and spoke of how beautiful it was for them. That also helped.
I’m now at the Y doing my treadmill while I write this. I think it’ll help too. I’ve reinstalled the messenger app so my friend will still be able to message me. I do believe he’s wanting to, but either struggling himself or genuinely busy. I just need a little patience to round out my day.
The grief will pass, and I know how much his family must be feeling this intensely. I will send them prayers and Reiki. It will be ok.