So today, someone viewed a post I wrote last August titled “Trying to Hide From My Fears”. I could only vaguely remember what I wrote, so I went back and read it again myself.
I was initially surprised that someone was interested in me enough to go back that far in my timeline to read a post. However, as I re-read it, I realized the real surprise was in the topic.
As far as the rebuild goes, we’re not currently in any better of a state of being.
However, my view on things has gotten much, much better since then. I’m seriously kicking some intense depression butt.
Despite many meltdowns before winter, and as winter progressed, we made it through safe and sound. We didn’t freeze, and we made it through mostly OK. There were a few moments where the wood-stove went out and I shivered through gritted teeth until there was warmth again. There were a few moments of “I hate living so far out a really low grade road”, but again few and far between and they passed with little fanfare.
Then I looked at how I perceive things to be going. I still feel like there are roadblocks in my way, but now I have a perception that there might be a reason that I’m not getting anywhere. Less angry/upset, and more confused/searching-for-answers. For instance, why can’t I seem to get an affordable shipping container delivered despite a half dozen dealers in KC and having talked to one of them face to face over a month ago. It’s suddenly seeming impossible to get a favorable response, and not for lack of trying. The guy I talked to in person I’ve also spoken to over the phone, left voicemail, and emailed 3 times. One of the other dealers was out of the size I wanted at their KC lot and was going to charge nearly $900 extra to have one shipped from Gardner KS- no thanks, the point is to save money. 2 other dealers have yet to get me quotes, and the last one I have yet to call because I just looked them up today- I could remember seeing their lot, but it had not previously shown on my google search for dealers, so now I’ve got their number. However, considering that I’ve been working on this almost 2 weeks, I’d have thought there’d be better progress.
Is it possible that there is something else in the works that the Universe/Divine is attempting to get me to save the money for? If so, a good-clear-message as to what that is, would be nice. I’d gladly save the money to the best of my ability (assuming the van and car stay in good working order so that an oil change is the most expensive maintenance). Especially, if the plan K was even better than my shipping container (plan J- I made it well past plan B early last year!), I’d do that. I’d do just about anything that was better than my plans.
I simply want a decent-clean-home for my family with running water and laundry appliances, pest-free too, please. I can always make improvements over time and as I’ve said several other times, I will continue to aim for Atira community regardless of the more immediate outcomes.
In fact I perceive that I would be able to make better headway on Atira if I’m not devoting so much of my time, efforts, and resources to attempting to fix our more immediate needs.
That’s another area I’ve improved: instead of dwelling on the failures and what’s stuck, etc.; I’m spending most of my time thinking of the possibilities of the future, and how I could construct the shipping container to accommodate alternate bed arrangements when it graduates from our home to the first homeless shelter. Basically, my brain is busy with the challenge of maximizing space and storage opportunities without limiting furniture placement. It’s a somewhat fun activity, but definitely less stressful than depression brain.
I’ve also spent more time attempting to look up information on possibly applicable grants and other programs that might contribute to the financial side of the creation of Atira. Just because it is Mine and Nathan’s baby doesn’t mean that we are not willing to accept help. On the contrary, we’d take all of the help we could get as long as the basic concepts remain intact and the over arching idea is accomplished.
Now that being said I still have my moments.
I’ve gluten-ed myself several days in a row, causing my cheeks to flare with the red acne/psoriasis patch and causing mild vertigo from mild brain swelling (I’m going to write a funny gluten post soon). I had a couple of down days from Nate’s passing. I think that is to be expected though when losing a friend 3 years older than I am. Definite grief and lots of perspective gleaned there. I’ve alslo had some triggers tripped.
Yet I’ve also worked to compensate for all of that to keep myself from falling too far back into the abyss. The stats on that August post have essentially pointed out how far I’ve come despite essentially standing still. It’s nearly night and day. That makes me feel good, that makes me feel better, that helps see my efforts really are paying off. I look forward to that continued improvement. I look forward to good things.
Now if I can just figure out what I’m supposed to do with June in case the shipping containers continue to be stymied.