I love my husband. Very, very much. Last night I got caught in an illusion of fear. Fear of losing him. It was in the midst of a panic attack, which hindsight probably means I can drop my thyroid dose again. I’m testing that theory today.
Regardless, the panic felt real. It felt concrete. It felt like impending doom.
Yet the positive side of that was a strong desire to cling to him and tell him every thing that I love and charish about him.
I explained to him that all of my frustrations & upsets and none of them are enough to want to let go of him. I told him I loved his smile, his beautiful eyes, his strong arms. I loved his desire to right wrongs, his compassion. I love that he is smart and creative. I love that he is kind, gentle, and a good dad. I love that he is open minded and truly appreciates women. I love that he has stood up for women’s rights and done his best to help change the world. I love that he is passionate about certain things. And above all I love his desire to have a great big loving family under one roof. I told him ALL the details about why I love him.
I said that I hoped one day we still get our poly family because I rather enjoyed thinking about the possible interactions when I thought we had partner(s) inbound. I told him how I knew there would be good times because he’s so easy going that if another man was in our lives he’d probably end up making such good friends that his bro-mance might overshawdow my loving commitment.
I told him how I had already imagined that I’d go ask one of them to do something with me & that they would look at each other and say “sorry we already made plans to go do…”. It makes me smile and laugh to think of things like that.
I also thanked him again for being so strong to pull me out of dark places. I thanked him for being understanding and being good with conflict (I qualified that with: just work on your skills of verbalizing what’s in your head). I told him about how I figured he would be the best intermediary keeping our family together and talking to one another. He’s a good balanced ambassador & mediator. I also found light in his prospective reactions when I would have created some silly conflict because of my stubbornness (which is usually the case); he’d probably laugh at us and walk away to watch from a distance. The comedic possibilities are endless when acknowledging love at being the glue in a family.
Ultimately, I really love my husband and I hope to one day see all of our dreams come true. So today I focus on that, and him being happy and healthy. I will still think of those bro-mance moments, but perhaps a little more generalized than when they first came to mind, and maybe there will be another woman too. That would be nice.