The why of love.

Sometimes I feel like I love too easily. I told that to Nathan last  week before the panic attack day. At that point I was having a good day,  but confused and thus very frustrated. 

I exclaimed “I  fall in love too easy anyway.  Remember Kara, remember Tina, remember Chris…. Why the hell would they show me things that make it even easier to fall in love if it wasn’t supposed to be?”

My point that I was making there,  is that I fell in love with those 3 people and things didn’t work out. Yet, those situations were grounded, purely of physical interactions,  new relationship energy that built until it slammed into a brick wall of a hurdle that couldn’t be overcome. 

Nathan was responsible for the start of 2 of the 3 relationships.  And those two I ginuinely hoped were going to work out. Alas they didn’t.

The 3rd one: Chris, was all my doing. He was very charismatic.  Great at saying all the right words.  Horribly irresponsible when it came to sexual interactions though, and thus a baby daddy to several kids already.  He was a bad idea, but one my heart wouldn’t let me see. It took weeks of Nathan’s gentle coaxing and a group conversation gone wrong to see the light. Eventually,  I sadly withdrew, and it slowly became an acknowledgement of a bad decision that my heart almost let me walk straight into.

This time around,  I wanted to go slow. He wanted  to go slow too. It was just conversations,  until the messages started flowing to me.  

Until I saw things that I can’t unsee. Until I  dreamt things that didn’t make one lick of logical sense,  but felt oh so right. I heard words,  I felt energy and interactions, things I can’t explain fully with my language skills. I knew when he was thinking about me- it nearly caused me to drive off the road twice. That’s when my heart fell in love. I realized things were happening that had only ever happened with Nathan prior. This was different,  unique. I felt him without ever having even met him in person.

It’s oh so complicated though.  I’ve likely hit another brick  wall. I got a message he’s not coming back anytime soon (I wrote of that nearly 2 weeks ago). But damn I’m having a hard time letting go.

 I still feel him,  his emotions,  his general demeanor,  I know he’s still thinking of me.  So much so,  that I can tell when he’s making himself stop- push the thoughts aside, and when he’s allowing them. I literally energetically  have to withdraw myself sometimes to be able to function.

I feel like I have entire interactive conversations with him, like this morning hearing “You have to understand it’s not just me. It’s my whole family,  my whole life”. I knew what was being said and responded with an apology and a hopeful suggestion that there’s got to be a way to find a both solution.

I just don’t know.  I know I need to let go, at least for my sanity if nothing else.  Yet the good connections are so amazing I want more.

So, why?  Why would I fall so deeply in love with someone I haven’t met in person.  Why would I fall so deeply in love with someone I can’t have in my life? Why would I be shown things that feel so good if they’re not supposed to be?

Abraham Hicks talks about finding alignment  with things you want by  thinking about those things as if they had already happened. Something along the lines of: if you feel so good in the thought of something that you don’t miss it or feel like you need it, then you’re in perfect alignment. If that’s the case,  I’m nearly there.  I just need to get over missing him.  Hmmm. Not sure how to do that. 

Yet, that’s still not really a why answer.  My brain wants to know why this happened. It has to be more complex than a reason to feel good,  or is it? Is it really that simple? That just doesn’t seem right.

So again I’m left dumbfounded,  confused,  frustrated,  and bonus “Lady in Red” just came on the radio at work. Rawr. It seems like all the music ever written is a love song,  at least to me right now.  RAWR.

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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