So last night I heard from him. The instant the message came through my heart felt like it was on fire. I had a huge lump in my throat. I was driving at that moment and so I sent the most basic text so I could manage just to find a stopping point. I was literally 15 min. from home and pulled into a gas station and parked just to have the conversation. My stomach flip flopped the whole time. My emotions bounced.
Nathan must have felt me because he ended up calling mid conversation. I told Nathan what I was doing and he said okay, just make sure to bring ice home and reminded me that he would need to leave for route soon.
I had waited for the conversation for so long that I didn’t want it to end, so I kept going until I knew I was pushing my time limits. Yet on the other hand I found myself still emotionally bouncing and stating things that were a touch negative. Every time I made a negative comment, I cringed knowing what I’d just said was less than desirable.
One moment though, I commented bluntly on my weight struggles, and it was like I had this huge pang/pit in my stomach. I know that I struggle to see myself as beautiful at times, but in that moment it was like I knew I’d said the worst thing I could have. It was a very strong reaction. I almost think I felt his reaction on top of mine. It kind of hurt in that moment, but the moment thankfully passed quickly.
He essentially validated my earlier intuition (see my post “The Why of Love” from June 30th) that he’s not coming back any time soon. He also, without stating it so blatantly, validated that he does care on some level. I cherish that because it helps me know I’m not crazy. You wouldn’t message someone after 2 and a half months if you didn’t care at least a little, plus some of the things he said leads me to think he cares more than just a little. But it’s still just more speculation on my part. I wish I could just shut off my 13 year old brain and walk away, I think I wouldn’t hurt myself as much.
I yearn for outright honesty. I yearn for his whole truth. I yearn for full acknowledgement. Yet, that is looking outside of myself for for those things. Law of attraction would tell me that I need to balance myself. I struggle with that.
So, I opted to focus on the things I know that feel good. He does care. He does respect me. By the reaction to my weight comment he must genuinely find me attractive. He didn’t think I would miss him, but I do, and he thanked me for the honesty- so he’s probably doing a similar dance in his head over me. There are other details I will hang on to, and I will continue to think of the intuitive images I’ve had. Maybe one day it’ll work out. For now I do my best to look for and cling to emotional relief.
So today was all about hanging out at a friends house with great air conditioning, wonderful comfy furniture, and good company. They are so nice, and she so great that she’s giving Ian a bath right now. I’m very grateful. It is so very much appreciated.
I love having good friends. I love having a comfortable environment. I love having AC. … but those are conditional things.
I love Relief. I love knowing that I have more and more control over my thoughts. I love knowing that my thoughts do create things. I love knowing that as I work on keeping myself more and more buoyant that my environment is beginning to reflect that with improved situations and things. I love the good feeling thoughts. I love good feelings. I love RELIEF. I love loving things and people. I love love. I love being in love. I love feeling emotions of love. I love feeling comforted. I love feeling respected. I love feeling appreciated and appreciation. I love feeling knowing and like I have a solid knowledge base. I love feeling clarity. I love feeling supported. I love feeling like I’ve been heard. I love feeling like I belong and I’m accepted for who I am. I love feelings of connection and vitality. I love being energized and feeling full of energy and life. I love having good gentle mental challenges. I like that the challenges in my life are getting a bit easier with my improvements in mental clarity. I love having time freedom. I love having ample abundance. I love relief. I look forward to all of these things in greater abundance and for my flow to carry me swiftly and gently to all of the wonderful things in my vortex, because I am learning to let go of the oars. Relief is good. Going with the flow is good. Thank you divine, thank you for all the input, all the messages, all the support. It is so greatly appreciated. Aabhaaree hoon. I am so very grateful.