” If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?” – Yann Martel
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I believe in all of those things, and acknowledgement of that this morning left me with a wonderful sense of anything is possible. Anything truly is possible because I have participated in the greatest miracles. I have been through experiences that leave a knowing of those 3 elements of existence.
Love (and Life):
I loved Nathan when he was married and dating other women at the same time. I didn’t at the time see how I could possibly fit into that already complex picture, but I loved him none-the-less. I could never have foreseen the chain of events that eventually led to me being a significant part of his life, let alone me being his legal wife. I just knew I loved him. So much so, that I once got accused of being his stalker (by the wife and girlfriend) and had to dial back my affections. Eventually it all worked out. The wife left of her own accord and the girlfriend became so oppressive that Nathan chose to end that relationship. I was hesitant to reassert my affections at that point, knowing all he’d been through, but at this point 14 years later, I’m so glad I did. I still to this day love him and feel the miracle of love daily, and our life together has had enough challenges to know that our love will always win. We’ve mastered the “for worse” and “poorer”, I look forward to mastering the “for better” and “richer”.
I love his daughter. She was not mine to love, as I did not give birth to her. I had no reason to love her, and it screamed of potential disaster for me (my parents even tried to warn me against it). There were so many possible ways that I could have ended up hurt for loving that child. Yet I did, and still do. She’s an amazing girl and I’m so grateful for that miracle in my life.
I love Ian. I think a mother always loves her children, even when life might cause less than desired circumstances (loss, adoption, etc.). However, I loved Ian so much more intensely than I could have imagined. He’ll be 3 in about a month, and I still look at him at times and start crying purely from the sheer joy of the love I have for him. He is the one of the biggest miracles in my life. He is not only a miracle of Love for me but also the miracle of Life. I participated in a truly miraculous set of events that culminated in the birth of a very healthy, beautiful, and super-smart baby. I could never have foreseen the things I’d need to do to make that happen, I only knew I wanted a water birth and would do anything necessary to make sure it was so. The beautiful joyful blissful experience that it was, left me in awe. It also solidified for me how much a miracle of life I had participated in. Perhaps that is why I feel love for my dear Ian so intensely to this day. He is very much a double miracle for me.
I love the man that I have absolutely no reason to love. This is probably the most intense example of love as a miracle for me. There is no reason. None. He’s not even in the same region as I am right now, and perhaps may never be. Yet I love him just the same. I think I have an inkling of how mom’s feel when their kids go away to college in a distant place. Yet, he’s not my child. He’s not my flesh and blood. He’s given me very little reason to love him. I still have yet to meet him, and possibly never will. With all of that said, I know for certain that my love for him is a miracle. There is no logical reason or explanation, yet I feel it as intensely as with Nathan and Ian. It is truly a miracle, and one that I relish and cling to.
mir·a·cle [ˈmirək(ə)l] NOUN
- a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences
- a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency
- an amazing product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something
I have seen God(s) aspects. I have had visions. I “hear” and feel things I can not explain. I have felt the presence and I have experienced external environmental things that could not be explained fully or satisfactorily by science. I do believe that God works miracles in my life. It may not always be on my chosen timeline, I may be a spoiled brat demanding things of my divine parents at times, but I do acknowledge that I sense and believe in that presence in my life. I am a believer.
Having had all of these experiences. Having first hand accounts of the miracle of love 4 times over. Having first hand accounts of the miracle of life. Having first hand accounts of divine miracles. I do believe in all of them. I believe them with all of my being. I’m not christian, I’m not any one of the Formalized Religions. Yet I do believe these things.
So, I’m left with believing, though it may seem difficult on the surface or to others, really isn’t difficult for me. So then I must acknowledge all things are possible. All things really are possible with a little belief. So, I just need to focus there. If I focus on that fact: I believe in love, I believe in the miracle of life, I believe in the divine; then I can believe in anything. I can believe in and eventually see any miracle I wish. Anything really is possible. Anything can happen.
And after a great night’s sleep in a beautiful home with wonderful air-conditioning, I’m very much looking forward to miracles in my life. Many, many wonderful, beautiful, amazing miracles.
To quote my friend:
Everyone has a sunny day when things will be bright…. it’s just time.
Yes, yes it is. It’s time.