Where do I fit?

I’m having a moment.

I’ve been having headaches and lots of nausea from last week. Getting through doing my regular work and family activities, just barely.

I wrapped up work a little early because I simply couldn’t push myself anymore.

I decided I needed rest and distraction, and Nathan really wanted to go to First Friday’s in the Crossroads District. It’s usually great fun with arts, music, performances, food, and drinks.

Tonight however,  it wasn’t the fun I thought it would be.

Dressed in my professional work clothes, I pushed the stroller through crowds. My child too young to walk, too old/big to carry, feeling like an imposition on the crowds with such a large object to push.

My head hurting. Looking at the artsy & hippy wears reflecting on times that those were a big part of me.

 Listening to loud music I would normally love. Feeling a bit claustrophobic, & like my head might explode.

We sat watching fire spinners like I have done a thousand times at pagan events. I usually love that too. Tonight I kept worrying about Ian getting too close.

The drinks too sweet. The foods too rich. Smokers too plentiful.

Finding myself jealous of cute women dressed in adorable and sexy clothes. Thinking I’m too straight laced for these people, but then thinking about being too weird to fit in with those I work with.

After walking probably 2 or more miles, I pulled up a patch of empty sidewalk, not wanting to stand anymore. I just sat breathing trying not to cry, let alone be a buzz kill for Nathan. He was having a good time. I really just wanted to be sitting somewhere comfy and quiet, being held and rocked.

It just made me wonder, who have I become? This was supposed to be an evening of chill to the plethora of things I love, yet it became the antithesis. I’m achy, sore, and full of complaints, instead of happy joy filled thoughts. I feel like a stranger to myself even. Perhaps it’s my state of being. I hope it will pass, and soon.

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