Denial, more than a river in Egypt…

Beyond being one of my favorite jokes, I have to find there’s humor in that even for me. My comforting blanket of denial has been uncomfortably yanked from around me.

Like a child shivering from cold, I shiver at the “reality” I’m left with.

I’m pregnant. Blood work confirms suspicions, and it lines up perfectly with the lost twin theory.

 The miscarriage I’d put at 6 weeks due to the size of the small glob of tissue that had been a fetus (knowledge that’s a drawback of being very body aware and nearly equally educated), and that was about 2 weeks ago.

 Blood work puts me at 8 weeks, which means that I did loose one of a multiple pregnancy. I’m sincerely hoping it was indeed one of 2, and not more.

I say this because I was torn over 1 baby, multiples would scare the living daylights out of me. Neither mine nor Nathan’s family has a record of multiples, so I didn’t even register it as a possibility.

That being said, I know the event of conception, and I guess I’m glad that I’m down 1 at the moment, because it could be much worse, or is it better in this instance?! What do I mean? 

That night I had been thinking of the qualities in Nathan that I loved, that I felt reflected his connection to divinity. I felt love so strongly it was wonderful. As things progressed I felt connected to the divine, had mental images of divine archetypes. At one point I literally felt like the divine had overlapped with Nathan. The experience was blissful. More than just orgasmic. I felt the love through my whole being.

I remember thinking afterwards, especially the next morning that it was very different than usual in a most wonderful and divinely influenced way. My brain instantly knew it could be significant, but pulled that comfortable blanket of denial around me.

After the miscarriage I’d hoped that it was solved and that life would straighten out before another one of those special moments happened again.

Yet, it seems that for whatever reason everything is upside down.

Today someone is nagging me from the other side. Like usual I hear & see, but don’t fully understand. I really have to work on that.

There’s only one message that seems to be getting through, and it’s to do my best not to worry. Believe it’ll be all right. 

I may have interpreted previous visions and dreams inaccurately, but the nagging is suggesting to me that I wasn’t completely off. Something in all my intuitive thoughts was accurate, enough that I’m being nagged to hold onto the positive feelings from them.

I’m just not used to this. Before when I got something strongly, I knew it was accurate, and sure enough it always ended up so.

Perhaps this time I’m off because there was so much information and involvement. There were multiple aspects at play, so perhaps that’s what threw me off.

I don’t honestly know. I’m not sure I even trust myself at the moment. I’m not sure I really know anything at the moment.

I just know someone is nagging me to believe and hold onto the love, to know it’ll be alright.

So that’s what I’m going to do. Between boughts of nausea, I’m going to just breathe and believe and say “thank you” over and over, again and again.

I did want another child, just in a safe, comfortable, clean, nice home. So maybe it’s just happening in reverse, and I’m just dense.

Just believe.

Bonus the first prenatal appointment is set for October 4th, because the midwife estimated we’d be able to hear heartbeat by the first week of October. “Ten-four, loud and clear, good buddy.” – I think that’s a quote from some movie or TV show from my childhood, regardless it’s been ringing in my head since the appointment was set.

Just believe and breathe.

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