So, I’m 165 posts into writing, having begun Januray 2016. Nathan has reiterated that I have written at least enough for one novel, maybe 2 or 3. I was curious and discovered that I could get accurate word stats if I upgrade to a paid wordpress account. Perhaps I’ll do that after a paycheck or two from the new job. It’s not really in the budget right now. Of course I know how to manually tally each post up to find my overall total, but I’ve definitely not got the time to wade through all 165 posts to do that! So for now, I’m just going to acknowledge that Nathan’s probably right and I’ve written a lot.
Who knew? I sure didn’t, I went into this writing thing kicking and screaming. I felt like it was too much like when I was in college. WORK! Now I see the benefit of writing; especially since I’m no longer writing about arbitrary subjects dependent on some arbitrary class I was required to take. Now I see that when you write about things that matter to your own little slice of the universe, it actually feels good. It helps me process, it helps me to vent at times, I can think things through and put relatively coherent thoughts to my feelings- be they good or bad, positive or negative. It has helped me to say things that I really didn’t have any other way to say them. It has also helped me to define things, like how do I know when something seems to be divinely influenced- logic leaves the room, but I still feel things so intensely I must say something, I must at least attempt to put words to my thoughts and feelings. So in that respect writing has been huge.
Now that 165 posts has been 1.75 years worth of my life, and a retelling of some of my history.
The original goal of the blog was to write about building a safe comfy home. That fell through.
Then it began to include writing about my work as a massage therapist, it seems that as well may eventually come to an end. It isn’t tomorrow, too many bills to pay, and now an extra child to plan for. However, I simply can’t foresee continuing to work 6 or 7 days a week indefinitely. I think it would eventually kill me. This is definitely a “temporary” situation, and being that I’m a bit burnt out on doing massage, at the moment I would think it would be the first to be given up. I do enjoy helping people, but I do also like making plenty of money and I also like having benefits, neither of which really truly happened working as even a successful self-employed massage therapist. Which, by the way, was more of a success than any job I had doing the same work. The next most successful moment was working for the one chiropractor, that is until he worked me too long and hard, and I almost didn’t make it home one night. Good wages or not, that one was simply not worth it.
In my blog I’ve covered things that bug me, get my goat so to speak. I’ve ranted and raved, and written well thought out arguments for my views on a few topics. That, I think, is when I realized that despite the original goal of this blog, I was simply writing about me.
SO, then I decided if I was going to write about me, why not just write about everything. Everything became equal fodder, nothing was off the table. The topics began to include my views on life, god, the divine, my religious beliefs, polyamory and my family. I knew going into many of those topics that I could be treading into murky treacherous waters. I simply have a much more diverse view of the world than much of mainstream society, and when that happens, it’s likely that you can get not so pleasant feedback. Fortunately, of all my readers, I’ve gotten no negative feedback and for that I’m simply grateful. There were moments after posting articles that I would stop and console myself preemptively, knowing that my words would be different, not what much of America would want to read and think about. I knew I could get some scary comments, yet none ever came. For that I am utterly grateful. I am very appreciative that my simply process here has for the most part been well received, and I have welcomed and appreciated every last bit of support.
I write all of this, just to solidify for myself that writing has been a good endeavor and that I should keep plugging away. I have scarce time these days, so it may become increasingly challenging to commit to and follow through with writing. In fact the only reason I have time now, is because I went to invoice on my half day off, and the new processing system for the one corporation (4 of my buildings) had not been set up, and thus invoicing didn’t happen. It’s okay, I’ll have all of the 3rd “off”, so I can catch up then. just a few days behind schedule.
So then a quick update is in order while I still have a few moments left.
My son has missed me so much that he is very clingy and when I go to leave he erupts in tears. My daughter is even more huggy, she always was, but it seems like the time apart has actually caused appreciation to manifest in my family in a more noticeable and visible way.
My husband is still struggling to keep up, and thus he still shows frustration. He spent several days driving around looking for properties to call on, so the house work fell grossly behind- something that always causes friction between us. I simply hope that after 14 years of marriage/life-together, he figures out how to make practical hands-on time-management improvements based upon what I have tried to explain thousands of times. That’s all, and at this point I still struggle to see those improvements depending on the day.
The saving grace is that I can acknowledge that:
- we are drastically different personalities and we’ve always disagreed on what is most important. For instance, I can’t stand clutter, but Nathan has always had a high tolerance for it.
- he is struggling internally as much as I am, but often in different ways. He does still have a heart condition. His meds do affect his cognitive abilities, and even at times his emotional stability. We now know that his kidneys are struggling a bit- not truly failing, but something he’ll have to make adjustments for. We know that he has high cholesterol and needs to make adjustments for that as well. The one we’re still waiting to find out on is the Melanoma, initial blood-work didn’t give us that answer. If he does have it, it may or may not be easily treatable, the biggest catch if he does, is finding the tumor(s) and removing all of them. So, I can’t hold him to the same standards as most others because he is literally facing challenges every day just being alive.
- I love him. Truly and deeply. That makes everything else somehow worth it. I’ve agreed with the saying before that love is not a potato, but when you love someone to that extent, you’ll do whatever is in your power to help them and be with them. My Nathan is no different, and since we long ago chose to combine our lives, I’ve stuck it out and everything we do, we do as a family.
Finally, my down time last night and today has been filled with thoughts of the boy. I haven’t heard from him for a while again, but this is wedding month, so I think that all has been going on. It would definitely take priority.
I had done my best to push him out of my mind, and of course all I managed to do was eliminate obsessing over him. I never did completely forget about him, but being so busy, the thoughts were fewer and further in between. Yet, last night I felt him, again this morning, and again this afternoon. I feel like he has finally admitted he has feelings for me, because that was the way it felt. Before, I would send love and get that pit in my stomach in return- the kind you get when you want something, but you are afraid of the consequences. But the last 24 hours I have felt warm and fuzzy and all melty on the inside, and there was a mental interaction that I think has great ramifications. Only time will tell on that one.
I think for him it was originally an either or decision, but now that he’s committed to the wife (who has been told about me at least once, he posed a question to her about me early on) I think he’s now beginning to wrap his brain around logistics of polyamory. MY hope is that he is filling the wife in on all of the details that might have been glazed over at earlier discussions.
When I have sat with this, I get messages that seem to imply they will both be heading back here to KC soon. Though, I think she must have some commitment that she has to wrap up first, because the messages imply him and later her. Regardless, it seems that the divine/other-side is supportive of us all sharing one home and acting as one extended family. That message I love and very much look forward to. So much so, that I told Nathan to contemplate that as he looked for houses. Nathan’s response was why don’t we continue as planned and we can always adjust at a later date. I said sure, and perhaps the rent to own situation might allow for additions or adjustment to floor-plans!
Who really knows. All I know is that right now, I still feel really, really good about this man, and can’t wait to hear from him again, I also can’t wait to find out more about his now wife. I really do want to make her feel welcome if she makes the choice to support the polyamory decision. I want her to feel the loving supportive freedom that polyamory can provide. That would be ideal.
Anyway, I have just run out of time, so until next week- Adieu! Be well my readers, and thank you so much for reading and being supportive of my very unique views and life.