“Only miss the sun when it starts to snow”- Passenger “Let Her Go”
It seems my puzzle has crumbled and I’m struggling to attempt to put it back together. Between longer nights with shorter days, cold weather, too little exercise, too little sleep, pregnancy hormones, and feeling generally overwhelmed, my puzzle has completely fallen apart.
I saw it happening, but felt helpless to stop it because most of the pieces were currently out of my control. How do you keep your needs met when things out of your control are major contributing factors? I’m still not sure I have the answer, though I’m working on an attempt.
The straw that broke the camels back was relationship strife. I was generally feeling like I was putting more into relationships than I was receiving in return. I fought with my husband twice. My online Beau quit writing again. I was generally feeling overwhelmed and alone, and like no one was valuing my efforts by demonstrating equal efforts.
I knew I’d fallen in the hole despite my best efforts not to.
My climb out is difficult and arduous. I can see the top, but just can’t seem to reach it.
I can’t fix the sun disappearing, but I’m doing my best to figure out how to get more artificial light.
The driving hours on end was threatening to prevent light therapy and exercise and sleep, all in one fell swoop. So I’ve taken to staying in the city at all costs.
Not wanting to overstay my welcome with friends, I’ve now slept in my car once, and then in my “office” once. My office is more a storage closet with a small desk, but the floor is big enough for a mat, so that’s what I did. There was also a part of me that acknowledged that I’m not good company right now, and I just couldn’t find the energy to be social to acknowledge the graciousness of my friends allowing me to stay with them. So in my brain the car or storage closet was better than having to put happy face on, and not having to worry about others hearing me cry in the middle of the night. I feel ashamed for having fallen in the hole when I know what my puzzle is, just because I failed to maintain it.
Additionally, staying in the city, I’m not necessarily saving any money because what I would have spent on fuel was spent on food. However, it has meant I have gotten more exercise and more sleep.
I have yet to find a solution to get more light therapy. I’ve thought about putting a light somewhere at work, but finding a place to mount it that’s the right hight and location for more than 30 min of my day seems to be the biggest challenge. I’m trying to figure out if I can find a clamp light that I could take with me from room to room, but I’m just not sure if I will be able to find mounting locations at the right height.
There has to be a solution somewhere, but once your brain is struggling it’s extra hard to figure out the solutions.
I keep hoping that my husband finds a new home soon, because that would be the overall solution for everything. However, it seems like pulling teeth to get him moving faster. It’s not that he’s not trying, it’s just he doesn’t get how to manage time efficiently and maximize his days to get the most done. I’ve tried to explain how I juggle things, thousands of times over, even providing others’ websites for guides, but he still has days where he spends all day making a few phone calls and doing a handful of mineal activities, not actually accomplishing anything significant. Then when I point out that something has been being asked of him for 2 or 3 months he gets defensive and tries to argue with me. I just don’t know how to encourage more efficiency and speediness in his actions.
I truly understand the old adage “men, you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them”. I love him, and would be devastated if he were gone, but I’m at my wits end and just need him to have things done. All the way, moved, settled and my puzzle solved so that I can get back out of my hole.
I hate being in the hole, it’s not fun, and especially knowing the cause and solution. I find I’m extra upset that I can’t get out. I need relief, something fierce.
Abrahams’ quote today was:
“Get so fixated on what you want, that you drown out any vibration or reverberation that has anything to do with what you do not want.”
This blog post has not been that, but now that I’ve vented/explained my-self-state, it’s my hope that I will be able to refocus on those things I do want. As I’ve mentioned before, once I feel like I’m heard, I can often release things enough to get my brain on to other better topics. Hopefully this follows true.
My topics of choice:
New home close to work with new Ikea beds, more sleep, more exercise, and more light. At this point it looks like a rental will be the solution for now, just needing to find the right/best one.
Better relations with hubby and Beau.
Moving toward progress, saving money for baby and Atira.
Hopefully moving toward miracles. Even being depressed my brain occasionally reminds me of good visions I’ve had in the past, especially the one where I’m holding baby (3rd child) standing outside the dome with my family. If that vision of over 9 years is accurate, there’s likely a miracle inbound. I’m doing my best to refocus on that today, if my brain will cooperate with me just a little bit.
Please keep me/us in your prayers and send us good thoughts of progress. I’ll keep fighting like I always have, just another hash mark on the battle board. I haven’t lost the depression war yet, in 22 years of fighting, so even though I face my doubts of that regularly, I feel like I’ll eventually win the war for once and for all.