Dig deeper.

I find I’m telling myself that sentiment in many ways today.

Today was my first day off in 2 weeks. I was exhausted. I’ve had a sinus infection for 4 days, and though I feel like it’s working on going away, I’m still draggy and congested. Bonus I’m in second trimester pregnancy: hormones swinging, blood-pressure drops, belly budge being uncomfortable, and so many more lovely side-effects. I’m generally feeling miserable more than glowing for being half way through pregnancy. It doesn’t help I’ve literally been grieving over the loss of the boy. I struggle with disbelief on that one because I never truly met him, but he affected me so much, and I felt so much connection, that I do feel I fell in love. I know I need to let go, but my heart argues with me daily on that one. I simply keep wanting the happy ending. Finally, we’re in a holding pattern still waiting to hear on the rental house that is the best match for us, so I’m still doing the sofa surfing dance, to do my best to not lose all my puzzle pieces for battling the depression monster. Meh.

Anyway, I had intended to sleep in and then do invoicing. However, when I finally got moving my emotional state took a nose dive because of a simple yet annoying chain reaction of silly stuff: things falling, finding mess in the details, and the internet malfunctioning due to bad weather and high winds this week (prempting my invoicing goal, but also preventing Ian’s TV time which left him bored-trouble-making).

 Essentially my brain went straight to “why doesn’t anything ever go the way I want, and why is everything always a mess”. Two horrible over generalizations, representing negative beliefs I hold, and reflecting my lack of mental stability right now.

After losing my calm and cool yet again, I went back to bed crying. Nathan spent a while doing some Reiki on me which helped some.

When I got up the second time, I ate and did my best to get back on track, telling myself to dig deep and focus on happy making. I kept telling myself things from Louise Hay and Abraham Hicks. It helped stabilize my state, but I was having a hell of a time pulling completely up.

Ian kept saying “cheer up mommy”; Buddy Cat kept plopping down on me, at one point sitting on my shoulders. I was still barely treading water. I knew I needed to dig deeper.

I went back to the bedroom to sit in front of the mirror naked to do some Louise Hay work. Through yet more tears I realized that my allergies and some other ‘problems’ I have, really link back to that belief from earlier. I’ve had so many things in life not go as planned, and end up in emotional hurts, that I’m literally creating more ways for that to manifest.

Not intentionally, it’s literally law of attraction responding to my reactions to things. Every time I say or think that sentiment I’m creating another way that it eventually re-manifests. That realization made me cry even more because I want to fix it but don’t really know how.

The basic concept is acknowledge the ‘problem’ belief, and the opposite ‘positive’ belief. Then gradually work your way from the negative to the positive. Gradually being the operative word, because if you try to make too big of a jump you won’t really believe that step and essentially have to start over. You have to genuinely believe each step to keep climbing the emotional ladder and make permanent change. Affirming positive changes that have already occurred and finding some self love can solidify this process.

 I made it as far as acknowledging the old pattern and resulting negative belief, and then acknowledging that the opposite would be believing everything is safe and I can have good happy making things in life. I did even do a basic detail of  some manifestations that could result from the positive alternative.

Then I got stuck. My brain simply couldn’t wrap around the next step. How do I inch my beliefs from one end to the other in a real tangible permanent way?

At that point I had to eat dinner and go to orchestra rehearsal. I let it drop for the time being, and cleaned myself up & got dressed again. Ate dinner, and left.

I dug deep for the energy to clear rehearsal and “people” for a bit, being a necessity with carpooling and rehearsal interactions.

Now I sit, feeling still exhausted, and wanting to go back to bed. Acknowledging tomorrow’s needs, and that I never finished what I started in the mirror. I know I should put some effort into that process, but I’m not sure if I can dig any deeper today. It may have to wait, which means I’ll have to dig deeper in other ways to get through my days. Fortunately, once I start something like that, my brain doesn’t forget. I’ll eventually work through to a solution, it might just take a while. Sometimes a really long while. I’ll get there, and I’ll survive, I always do. It’s just one more layer of the onion to peel, one more piece of myself to heal.

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