Lost in the Game…

That was the most suitable title I could come up with for this post. My week has been a bumper car, jumbled roller coaster, kind of week.

For starters, today marks my 19th straight day of work. I have 8 more days of work to go, finally getting the 6th of February off.  That will mark 27 straight days of work. I haven’t touched my taxes, I need to invoice for this month, and all I want to do is sleep. I’ve mostly hung in though, just going along for the ride.

My few moments that didn’t go so well included: 

1) Battlingsins“: Christians usually want  to condemn polyamory as being sinful because it breaks the implied monogamy rule resulting from the one comandmemt discussed repeatedly in the Bible about adultery, (Genesis, Proverbs, and 23 other locations I’m aware of). However, it should be noted that adultery is an extramarital affair involving lies and deceit, where one person makes all the decisions, often hurting another (usually a husband cheating causing hurt for his wife), and thus taking on sin. My personal belief is its the lieing deceit and resulting hurt that is the cause of the sin.

Polyamory, however, is based upon openness, honesty, and full disclosure to everyone. Families practicing polyamory not only go out of their way to avoid hurts, but when mistakes happen (as us humans always do), the family communicates and does their best to make amends for errors. Forgiveness, communication, and love are vital in maintaining a poly family.

So, then after having that pointed discussion with myself, ending with how can anything based upon love (lots of overwhelming love) be considered sin; I find myself standing in a resident room trying to give a shoulder massage while I was not only shocked and horrified, but my baby was too.

 The resident had one of those crime shows on, a new one, and they were searching for someone that was abducting people. The last person abducted was a pregnant lady ready to give birth, and the cops figure out the criminal was stealing a family, at which point the show flashed to one woman standing over a pregnant woman with a knife, starting to cut the baby out of her belly.

I reacted to the horror with a gasp, the baby reacted violently, kicking me so hard I nearly doubled over in pain. I excused myself immediately and spent the rest of the day apologizing to the baby for having seen that. I kept wishing I could erase the memory that kept playing in my brain, and started repeating “we are safe, god is protecting us, and it was just someone else’s fucked up idea of entertainment”. I couldn’t understand how anyone could find something that gruesome and horrifying to be entertaining. To me that was far more sinful than wanting to love people as family.

 Later that evening after ranting at Nathan about it, he gave me a massage with lots of Reiki which took the bulk of the trauma out of the experience and soothed me and baby into genuinely feeling safe again.

2) Co-worker noncompliance: after many long days of working, I started to hit my wall of tired yesterday. I was pushing through, but every time I saw the aids they were standing around yapping. I was exhausted, but still moving, still doing my job. They weren’t. It really pissed me off, and I ended up venting to 2 other co-workers; one is the lady I have know for years, and she is the building assistant manager. I’m hoping that my infrequent ventings like that are my saving grace and that it isn’t held against me.

3) Unrequited love: still being hung up on the boy has been a reoccurring theme, but the last reason for my not so stellar moments. I spent Wednesday morning crying over him, which my son picked up on and it fueled his argumentativeness with his sister. I argued back and yelled some, then cried some more. I’ve neglected others in my sadness, and spent way too much time in my head. I want to let go, but I’m struggling to do so. My only reprieves are sleep, mantras/spiritual-music, and art. Those are the moments I manage to quiet my mind and release my woes. I then give thanks and conceed that I’m trusting the divine to know what’s best and to work out the details. One such moment was answered by 472ELA which my brain read as “for god to know how” (7 representing divine especially 7 being Shiva in hebrew, and Ela being Telugu for how). I said a quick thank you for the message and just sent a request for more understanding. I simply wish to know why I fell in love with a wonderful someone from half way around the world, who BTW found me, and then to have it just stop and go nowhere. There has to be a reason, and I just can’t figure it out. One day maybe. For now my quest to let go and move on continues.

My days haven’t all been tough though. 

Loves from my husband and kids. 

Acknowledgement of love for my friend and her boys, that if I ever find a good solution they are welcome in my family and home, and I’m already doing my best to be supportive of her current challenges as well.  Sometimes I just wish there were more of me to go around, that or more time.

I’ve had several commutes filled with glorious sunshine this week and I relished every moment of them. 

And financially we’re hanging in. No worse than before, and I’ve managed to cling to enough money to eventually get moved and buy beds. I’ve spent lots of time thinking about how nice it’ll be to have real beds, running water, and a well insulated home again.

With that in mind, our home search is still miserable. Everything is either too expensive for me to consistantly afford, or they are dives that once would have been called slum housing, and even those are expensive for what I’m used to. We looked at a 3 bedroom 2 bath house that was $900 a month plus utilities: there was black mold, broken fencing, really really crappy cheap linoleum in the kitchen that would have torn easily (which I’m sure would have been billed to tennant to replace), ceiling patched with cardboard, and a broken floor air return vent. It was simply no good for the money they were asking. I can’t do that to my family again, so we keep looking, expanding our desired radius from my work each time. 

I just don’t know what to do on that one, but my dear friend has offered her home as a backup for baby birth. I explained not being able to leave for 10 days to avoid the vitamin K injection and she’s totally cool with it, even working out how to get us private bedroom space for that time period. I’m so very appreciative of her, and glad that we have her in our lives. I hope that I can repay her kindness, and keep wishing I could build my giant dome in Colorado for them to have their own rooms. Maybe it’s on its way.

For now:

 I keep trucking, wishing I’d either hear from the boy or have that final hurtful go-away-conversation that would really, really suck, but would force me to give up. Yet I lean toward clinging to hope. Hope that finances will improve, hope that at the same time I’ll have fewer hours to work, hope that a dome home is becoming increasingly possible, hope that my miracle is inbound, and hope that my dreams might possibly become real, hope that I will have a big loving family of/by choice where everyone wants to be there and things just work well together.

Doing my best to focus on and visualize that as much as possible. It hasn’t drowned out all the sadness and woes, but it has helped keep me from sinking in the quick sand of life.

May all of you find your life preservers of thought.

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