Despite having a good dose of my thyroid meds, I’m still struggling. A friend pointed out yesterday that my verbal-vomit was hurtful, especially to my son. I removed myself and went home to cry alone, sending the following messages.
Obviously my shit is no better than it ever has been, so why does god bother to show me messages? I don’t know.
I don’t know why, but I’m definitely feeling that analogy from what seems so long ago. Of being trapped on the 13th floor of a burning building, with no rescue in sight. Where leaping to death (suicide) is a sure but finite end, but remaining where I am could lead to slowly painfully burning to death (never really healing my brain). I told Nathan I’m not a celebrity with unending supply of money and unlimited resources, so if they keep losing their wars, what chance do I have.
I know the news of late isn’t helping. I know I’ve had hormone swings still from post birth. I know my puzzle is non-existant: rare exercise, no sun after waking, very irregular sleep schedule, positive social interactions disappeared weeks ago, meditation is sparatic at best, and I was already feeling like a crappy parent (ruminating on my failures) before getting told I was, then pile on overwhelmed from the demands of breastfeeding a baby while trying to go back to work. The only thing I’ve maintained is my diet & fish oil, and that’s miserable little help, especially since labs indicated I’m still reacting to something.
I’m at a loss and feeling it daily. I’ve even found myself repeating it’s a good thing the boy dropped me, no one would want me and my shit. No one can help me, so why bother being around me.
Nathan says he sees my good, my love, and the depression times, though hard, are worth sticking through. Hannah seconded that last night and this morning. Right now I’m having trouble seeing and believing it.
All I know is they wanted me to post how well the baby is doing, saying its amazing. They say it’s proof I’m not a horrible parent.
I think it just means I cared enough to do my best while pregnant.
I learned in my CEU class in May that research shows massages during pregnancy help with motor skill development. So baby is doing so well because my constant working necessitated regular trades with my massage therapist. Sometimes the things I do right are accidental.
So here’s what they wanted to show, with keeping in mind that these are from a not quite 2 month old (born 4/23, & these photos/videos have been taken over the last 2 weeks):
Sitting alone for long periods:
She finally fell over after about 3 minutes of sitting:
Standing & figuring out leg movements:
Progress in crawling:
I’m glad that baby is doing well. If only I could figure out how to get myself back on track with the demands of life right now.