Spider web screams to personality traits on the day of “freedom”.

Happy fourth everyone.

My day started with molting in the shower. I’m losing hair at an alarming rate, my one shower created a golf ball sized wad, and my mood is as unstable as ever. Both things happened after Ian’s birth, and I attributed them to the thyroid crash knowing that both are commonly experienced in thyroid malfunction. However this time, even if my thyroid itself is struggling, I have enough medication in my system to override symptoms. So I have no idea why I’m having said symptoms except that it must be postpartum hormones. If only it wasn’t such an ordeal and expense to figure out the exact mechanism at play. For now I’ll continue to muddle through.

Otherwise, my holiday started with a couple of hours of work, fortunately close by. As Nathan always does he walked me out carrying my drinks. He put my drinks in the car via the passenger side, and I walked around the car to get in. As I sat down I found myself directly in the middle of a large spider web and the spider dropped down beside me into the floor-board. I leapt out of the car screaming and brushing my arm and shoulder off. As I told Nathan what happened I found the offensive spider and smashed it. (The biggest reason why I could never commit to Buddhism: I have a rule with spiders that if I can see and reach them they die.)

I exclaimed “Why didn’t you tell me it was there!”. He said he didn’t see it, and I continued with “But you get upset because I assume you can’t see your son’s yogurt splatters on tan carpet!” He then pointed out the irony of sitting in a web, and how spiders are supposed to have a link to communication and messages, like “Charlotte’s Web” (though it goes back much further in history to Native lore). I exclaimed I know, I’ve had proverbial “spiders sitting down beside” me all week. This wasn’t the first, I’m not sure it was even the fifteenth in a little over a week. Only I’m not Miss Muffit or PIG, and I’ve got no idea WTF they’re trying to tell me.

So I left for work with a sigh and adrenaline jitters.

My first bit (massage) went well, and when I showed up for my second stretch (non-massage) I discovered it would be much shorter than expected. So, I passed the shorter time taking a personality test that Hannah had requested. She explained to me that she likes figuring things out like interpersonal relationships and interactions, and sees how Myers-Briggs helps with that. So I willingly obliged.

The result was that I’m an INFJ (-T). After reading all the info about that type, it’s strengths and weaknesses, and how it reacts to stress, I can say I agree it fits me well. There does seem to be a few minor qualities that are not exact, but I tend to feel that way about most labels. They’re mostly accurate, but everyone is still an individual regardless of their labels. Labels are merely guidelines.

As far as INFJ goes for me, I only procrastinate on things assigned to me by others. If it’s my own doing I rarely put it off, but will still exhaust myself to ensure completion. Additionally, I find a bit more balance between emotional response and rationalization than is implied, unless stress is a factor (like my postpartum struggle). However, Overwhelment for me usually only occurs when I feel things are not flowing properly or moving fast enough. Also, I tend to lack tact in giving others my honest opinion, and thus don’t always give their emotional response due diligence. Finally, I have worked very hard over the years to become less introverted and more extroverted, so I tend to fall nearly in the middle on that factor, constantly trying to balance the value of social environments with my need for solitude.

So, all of those elements do play important roles in my personality, but with slight tweaks. Otherwise, yes, everything else I read on INFJ personality type pretty well hits the nail on the head.

….

Hannah had suggested that my quest to fix my brain and emotional outbursts is less about being broken and more about it’s just part of my personality. It seems from what I’ve read she may be right. However, those elements were listed as weaknesses, and isn’t part of our humanity to acknowledge our weaknesses and aim to improve them, even if ever so slightly?

I remember a conversation with Nathan’s Ex’s brother years ago, where we agreed whole heartedly on that sentiment. He believed that humanity as a whole was shifting perceptions by gradually changing things in just that way. Each generation essentially taking baby steps to improve what was perceived as a negative from the previous generation.

For me those are my most negative qualities or weaknesses, those are the less than desirable traits that I learned from my parents. So part of my personality or not, I still aim to improve upon them or fix them. There is no reason my children should have to endure the worst of me to just create another generation of repeat. If I can improve enough, then I can break at least one negative cycle, and enable my children to experience better states of being. That’s my goal, and if I can figure out something that then helps others along the way then I’ve really won my own battle, regardless of how treacherous the journey was. Because I really do reach for helping the world be a better place for everyone, not just me, not just my family. I do intensely desire to help makes the world a better place.

Because, for me that is true freedom. To be able to create a new and better world to live in and enable our children to do the same. That is freedom.

Freedom is not a government making rules to turn around and change their minds every couple of years. Freedom is not inflated egos telling others what to do and yelling “because I said so and I can”, and then getting defensive over negative reactions…

Freedom is the right to choose, To choose better, To choose improvement, and to allow others to do the same whether you agree with their choices or not. I celebrate true freedom on this fourth, and mark another notch on my path to my own freedom.

May you all have a moment of recognition of that on this fourth.

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