“If you died tomorrow would you be satisfied?”

I stumbled into an episode of “The Good Doctor” while at work, where that was the sentiment brought up by a young man with a brain tumor.

Everyone that worked on a answer during what I saw of the the show, tried to reach for their answer using things that happened in their lives.

My answer, I’m not sure, and I’m not sure the answer lies in things or events.

I know I’m headed there.

I used to want to take myself out, death would have been welcome relief to the constant emotional misery I was in. After Ian was born I hit maximum density and it was find a solution or find death without satisfaction, worse yet possibly harm my family in the process.

I have worked diligently to improve my emotional state and these days I’m doing much better. Discovering that my emotional state has a biological component, my brain was literally hurting, has helped immensely. I still haven’t found stable consistency though, so I have a ways to go yet.

But is that my answer? Is my answer- no, because I haven’t mastered my emotions yet? I don’t think so, there is more to an overall feeling of satisfaction with life.

I think things and events do play a part, because they are representative of things that help us to feel happiness. So again, I’m on my way there, as I have more things and events to find that happiness in these days, but definitely look forward to more and better.

Yet there is a sliver of unsatisfied in me. Why?

Maybe it’s the yearning for improvement yet to come.

Yet, I think more about leaving behind my husband and kids. I see how hard that might be for them. Something that a depression ridden brain constantly told me was hogwash- they were better off without me, I was a monster. I still have those moments, but they are much fewer and further in between, and usually now I see the truth in my presence being needed.

I also now feel a responsibility to help others find the solutions that I’ve found for myself. Maybe that’s my fate, maybe that’s my purpose in life and if so, I’m not even close to being satisfied. I feel I need to master my process before I can help anyone else do so. Feeling that it’s such an important part of me does make me feel a responsibility to help others, and knowing I’ve not even started makes me feel unsatisfied for sure.

Then there’s my bucket list which hasn’t even been touched beyond listing the things I want to do before I die.

So no, all in all if I died tomorrow I would not feel satisfaction.

But now I question whether that is a bad thing or not. If you are not satisfied, then you have a drive to keep going, keep reaching, keep being. It is a reason to be alive. What if that is the glue that keeps us here. What if being completely satisfied is a universal signal for your own physical demise, what if feeling completely satisfied is the cue for your croaking experience. I’m not saying it is, in fact I’ve got no real clue. I’m just finding that I now have the question- if you’re completely satisfied, what keeps you going? What then becomes your reason for living?

I have no answers for you, only sharing my thoughts, that it may be your food for thought.

I hope really that everyone finds their satisfactory level of unsatisfied. That balance where you are generally in a good acceptable place in life, but eager for more, reaching for more. I think maybe that is the ideal human experience for keeping us living.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s