More confusion.

Those messages I get, which I’ve referenced many times in previous posts, often include videos from one of nearly a dozen YouTube channels, some of which I never actually hit subscribe on.

The particular ones I’m referencing here, were love messages. They always showed up when I needed them most, feeling like I wanted a hug or a conversation with someone. That connection was what I was reaching for (usually with a certain person in mind), and voila- up would pop a video at just the right moment.

Now today, I get this one.

I don’t get it. I’m the one with the broken heart. I’m the one feeling trampled on, and rejected. Feeling kicked to the curb and discarded as trash. Feeling like my actions never meant anything. Feeling like my entire process of trying to improve myself and my life has been a waste.

Despite everything, I keep reaching. Yesterday I was functional, today I would put myself at focused and problem solving, looking for answers and solutions. I’m still not particularly hopeful because I feel like it’s all on me again, but at least in the short term that’s something I can handle. I have enough and can do enough to get by. Maybe one day, who knows how long from now I’ll figure out better.

So I keep reaching, and then stumble on this video. I just don’t understand.

I feel like either good is telling me I let my own heart get broken, which is true, but I don’t need a video to tell me…

Or that one of those people in mind is also feeling broken hearted, which makes no effing sense to me. If they’re broken hearted they caused it. I wanted family, I wanted love, I wanted cooperation, I wanted communication WITH ME in positive ways, I wanted hugs and cuddles, I wanted a decent home, and a chance to catch up and makes some headway financially. Many things I wanted, and none have been found. I struggle to find those things with my wonderful husband most days, because I’m running crazy attempting to tread water. How anyone that has taken blatant steps to shut me out could feel broken hearted is beyond me. I would shake sense into them if it was even a possibility.

I suppose God will leave to do it for me. I have to move, and that while working 7 days a week is no small feat. I’m having to take a day off work just to attempt that everything comes together, and that’s in addition to working all day and going home to sort at night.

Tonight’s mission trash belongings for an hour, then pull jokes for tomorrow afternoon for a bit, then make sure a rental application is ready to turn in in the morning, then hopefully fall over for a few hours before having to get up at 6am and start all over again. Not room for anything else, and so my days go.

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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