Thanks Kenny. (“Coward of the County”)
I think I’ve been walking away from trouble too much. I’ve been taking blame for things that are not mine to be blamed for. Apologizing profusely for things that I should not utter one word for. For mostly it’s easier that way.
I fall in love too easily, give people my heart and the benefit of the doubt, nearly always. I believe people when they say they care. I believe people when they tell me they want the same things as I do.
Now I’m left with battling how to stop doing that without completely ending up so jaded with a hard exterior that no one wants to bother trying to get through.
Twice now I’ve been burned badly by that. I’m left with 3 children that have stupid weird hangups, minor glitches really, from those experiences. But it’s bothersome to me that I got close enough to people that they affected my children and not just me. For that I accept responsibility. I’m hoping in time those glitches will correct themselves, or at least smooth out to being less noticable.
I trust others, believing people are as honest as I am, or at least attempting to be as such. I’m starting to see that is my folly. People think they’re being honest, but sometimes honesty is relative. As in, are they even being honest with themselves? I think ultimately that was how I was burned, because in both cases those people which I gave of myself, weren’t able to be honest with themselves. I don’t think either of them set out to hurt me, but disfunction led to that result. For that I pitty them and send blessings that they might learn how to change before this life ends, knowing that if they don’t find real alignment it will take a toll on their health, but maybe that is the ultimate lesson here.
I’m learning I suck at reading people when energy isn’t involved, and should stick to what I know. When I feel something I really should acknowledge it always.
Nathan I felt early on. So intensely that I just knew. I knew that for me he was special, he was different. I trusted that unequivocally. It’s not been all sunshine and roses with him, we have our challenges, things we don’t see 100% eye to eye on. But he’s more honest with himself and with me than anyone else has been. He’s kind, loving, and gentle with me and my children. I’m utterly grateful that he’s able to care for our children and that he is such a loving wonderful person most of the time, and especially that his kindness and understanding has saved my life repeatedly.
The things I find bothersome, really in the grand scheme of things are trivial and minor: too much stuff, messy at times, easily distracted. All of those things I’ve already figured out are just part of who he is, and the less I let them bother me the easier things are. Plus, my ideal would be to one day just be able to afford 2 solutions for it: a dark room and maid service. That’d give him a place for his stuff, being mostly photography equipment, and help solve his messy tendencies. Because if those are his worst attributes, then I really could have done much worse in finding a life partner.
He doesn’t leave me holding debt repeatedly like I’ve seen people end marriages over, in fact his one medical problem actually eliminated one really big debt, it just made monthly bills a bit harder to keep up with. He’s far from the abusive ass-hats I’ve seen other people elect to stay with. He’s never hit me, never forced me to have sex or guilted me into giving him a blow job, never manipulated me, and never called me bitch or other names, like I’ve heard from multiple women (Kai Zen, Rae, etc). I trust his driving. Plus, he cooks for me, does dishes, and though he gets behind sometimes, generally does all the laundry, vacuuming, and cleaning of bathrooms and living spaces. Being able to pay someone like ‘Ready Maids’ occasionally would merely keep him up to speed with family mess. He also teaches our children, keeps the littles safe, plays cheauffeur, and generally has what most call “soccer mom” down. He’s sociable, outgoing, and friendly, and adorable. He has no criminal record, and has never actually done anything that could result in such (versus those I know with men that have done bad things in their past but never got caught). His worst offenses in his whole life were a couple of moving violations and minor accidents. He’s a genuinely good guy. The only things preventing him from getting labeled a ‘great catch’ by others is heart disease and lack of a 6 figure income. So I’m lucky in a lot of respects….
Would I take the aspects of a healed heart and good income as well, you bet, but he’s ‘Not dead yet’ there’s still a chance he could ‘bite the knees off’ that one yet. If he doesn’t, I’m still going to show gratitude for him being 90% of a good catch. My life is better for him being in it, even if it doesn’t show financially, that’s really only one area of life. My life as a whole tells me he’s worth every bump in the road.
One of my residents that passed away recently told me I was an idealist. She’s probably right. I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever see my ideas and hopes and dreams manifest. They may simply be far to idealistic to be able to come together in this effed up world we live in.
But then I cycle back to those feelings I’ve had, the mediations, and messages, and sleeping-dreams that tell me otherwise. I doubt them because on the surface it seems like a couple of them might not have been true, I don’t see how they could possibly come true now. I’m guessing this is how Sigmund Freud was able to turn everything back on itself and make it about Id, Ego, and unnatural parent love.
Maybe it’s my downfall, maybe it’s my naivete, maybe it’s my lieing to myself, but I hold out hope. Hope that the things I’ve seen will come to pass. Hope that those I gave a piece of myself will eventually see it and make amends. Hope that those I gave a piece of my heart eventually come around and take responsibility for their part in this game. Hope that those I care the most for, do find their healing and are able to make a life worth living. Hope that the important ones make it back on my bus. Hope that my Atira eventually manifests somewhere in this world, and hope that I actually accomplish some good things with my life.
And I will continue to work on myself. Today’s work on myself: see the good and accomplishments in myself. Because there are plenty of people in my life that are quick to point out my failings and gossip about my wrongness. Only I can shift that by starting with pointing out to myself that I am doing my best and even if they’re small things, I have accomplished things.