This morning I woke to dreaming and feeling the person I’m so connected to. I had to get up and get ready for work so I mentally told him to cuddle with Katherine energetically, as I know she misses me when I’m gone.
I moved to the sofa to wake up and reminded Nathan I needed the table. As I gestured toward the sheets I’d left out, my tired brain led me to say “there’s the shet of seats from before”. Oiy, dyslexia really pops out when I’m tired.
This will be my 24th day of work. Having had March 20th off for doing taxes, which literally ate all of that day. Otherwise I’ve had 2 mostly off days since New Year’s due to being sick/worn-out. Those 3 days in the last 3 and a half months are hardly enough, considering they were not enjoyable time off. I would give anything to have time off again, even all the good things that I like about my current work situation. I simply must start taking better care of myself again.
I am starting to process what needs to happen to accommodate that shift, but the process alone is going to take at least another 45 days. I can and will hang in, but that 45 days seems like both a small eternity and yet not nearly enough time to accommodate everything that I feel necessary to take my next step in the best way possible. I’m intent on maintaining my integrity in this shift. I am doing my level best to ensure that my needs are met while also doing my best to make sure I’ve taken care of others needs as well.
It seems every time I take a step like this I feel guilty about the negative consequences. I wish I could avoid them all together, but I’m beginning to see that literally everything in life has a positive and negative side. I know what I need and must do, but I’m having to constantly refocus myself off of the guilty feelings that arise from acknowledgement of even needing to do so. My current reality has so many good things and people that have positively affected me, that I wish my scales balanced better. But yet they don’t, and I’m no good to anyone if I work myself into the ground.
Since that is currently my greater fear, I know I most adjust, because I can’t kill myself and leave my family behind. I just hope that my next step does maintain my wages, as that is vital to our forward progress. A side step of less hours, more days off, and potentially maintaining my income is better than giving up anything in my current work load to know I’ll have less wages. So it’s the side-step I’ve chosen.
Now I just have to go above and beyond, push a little harder, for just a while longer, to ensure I help others as much as possible in my transition. I can and will make it through, one day at a time. Seems my life has been teaching me that lesson over and over again. One day at a time…. Makes me think of that gospel song. One day at a time sweet Jesus. Yes.
May you all maintain your integrity one day at a time, and may we all find our improvement in the best way possible.