This week has been very hard. Sad for me because everyone is trying to convince me to stay and change my mind. On one hand I want to, on the other I know I made the appropriate choice for now.
Besides I already committed to the massage work, and the universe has responded with several more smaller requests. Work is just dropping from the sky.
Then the pastor reminded me that their accolades are a reminder that I have made a difference. I did affect them positively and they noticed. They care because I care. I appreciate that.
She noted that their well wishes are genuine and heartfelt, and I really, really appreciate that.
So I’m doing my best to focus on the positive side of all that.
Then my “gift” kicked in, well into overdrive.
I’m not so sure it is a gift.
2 of my residents the last week and some change, have been struggling health wise. One at the day job building, and one at a long-term contract building.
Both of them have had small strokes, but symptoms have manifested differently. Regardless, they are both carrying a smell that I’ve come to believe only I can smell. I have asked other caregivers if they’ve noticed anything or had to clean them up more than usual and none have mentioned anything. I think I might be smelling death. To me it’s a very strong smell, it makes my stomach turn and I find myself breathing shallow to avoid the smell. It literally smells like rotten trash in the hot sun, but right under my nose. I’ve even noticed it with other people sitting near that were oblivious to there being any smell.
Both of these people I’ve physically felt the symptoms of their strokes, and it amplifies right before seeing them or as I’m talking to them. Everything from droopy face, slurring speech, dizziness, numbness, muscle spasms and pain in my shoulders and neck. One of them I even dreamt about.
Then today, I pulled up to work to see a red-finch literally trying to find a way to enter a window. I realize it’s the window of a 3rd resident I’ve been concerned about of late. As Nathan and I sit watching, a second red-bird joins in. They specifically picked that one window of a 3-story wall of windows. They would sit on the window ledge or the vent above, and then fly around the edges, and then land to rest again. I knew it was significant. Only time will tell how.
I literally feel like the grim reaper for old people and I’m not sure I like that.
So, this evening I went to the contract building to work on the one person’s shoulder, being I had dreamt about them last night and thought I better check in. I got there and was hit strongly with odd sensations. As I sat down beside her I could see she wasn’t doing well. She proceeded to tell me that we should skip working on her shoulder because she was having trouble and the shoulder wasn’t bothering her as badly as before. She proceeded to describe everything I was feeling, and I was compelled to touch her arm. When I did, everything intensified, I felt very strange and off kilter.
I let her know she should rest and that if she changed her mind to give me a call and I could catch her tomorrow.
As I departed, I did my best to pull out of the sensations and heard “just let it flow”, so I did, and eventually the sensations subsided and the feeling of my connection to God took over. I got the distinct impression that I was being told (didn’t hear words this time, more felt the meaning) that I’m not really the grim reaper, more that I simply have a very innate ability to help someone relax and let go into what they’ve already decided.
So much so, that I was shown an interaction earlier with yet a 4th individual, where I merely touched their shoulder. The message was that even though it seemed like an insignificant action, in that moment I had literally given permission for that person to line up with something they’d already decided. I didn’t get to know what that decision was, only that I helped them relax into it.
I suppose this is where I focus, like we used to tell our dog Drew.
Everyone has a talent, a special something that makes them who they are. Mine is apparently helping people relax into decisions, often which means letting go of life here on Earth. The relaxing and letting go is the important part, the fact that I work predominately with the demographic that often chooses death is the side effect. Beyond that, the fact that I’m able to demonstrate my gift so readily must mean I’m on the correct path and generally speaking in fairly good alignment (despite my lack of confidence in that arena). That is a good thing for sure. Finally, I suppose that helping people relax into the big dark scary void of unknowns is better than watching them go kicking and screaming and suffering.
So be it, what it may. It is what it is, and if that’s what God intends for me to do, then do my best I will.
May you all find your gift, know it’s value, and carry it out well with appreciation for the source from which it comes. Namaste.