I felt him. I knew he was thinking of me, and I thought of him. I was still working, only had a little longer to go. I finished the massage and was wrapping up when a call came in. I felt intensely that I should answer, but elderly are never quick and this was no exception.
I thought to myself maybe he’ll call back, or I can call him back, and then proceeded to mentally nag her to finish talking to me.
It couldn’t have been any more than 10 minutes later I was sitting staring at a Texas phone number that wouldn’t let me call back.
The end of the message had an automated code that was laden with Deja Vu for me. I thought it was maybe a code or riddle, but was afraid to dial with my guess answer. Silly me afraid a stranger would answer and be annoyed I had the wrong number.
Later I found myself wanting to write this message and add a picture from years ago of a party where a friend had gotten permission for me to wear another ladies’ Sari. It was a simple blue Sari, but I felt so beautiful in it. I had referenced it with him in conversations and wanted to prove I was telling the truth. That I’ve been honest all along and really do want honesty in return.
In searching for that picture I came across pictures of Rajesh. Now it seems I’m hung up on him again. In one of the pictures he was giving Nathan the stern look I see from the man in my dreams. In another he was smiling contently. So many of the pictures he had a detached look that I came to think was symbolic of his saintly ability to roll with the punches and work through everything more easily than I have.
It seems I feel like a fool for having given my heart to him, and thinking he never noticed. I’m a fool because I never did anything to really get his attention or make certain he knew. I’m a bigger fool yet having let him depart my life and never really figuring out how to move forward.
I’ve spent all morning with those images looping in my brain and apologizing to him for being stuck on him, but more importantly apologizing to myself for continuing to recreate scenarios where I love deeply and intensely and the other doesn’t notice or come back around. How Nathan has managed to fall outside that loop I’m unsure, except maybe it is because he really loves easily like I do and perhaps that alignment exempted us together from the mishaps we faced with others. I don’t know though, it’s just an educated guess.
More educated guessing and a willingness to give up. I’m ready to give up everything because my exhaustion is catching up to me and I know I can’t fix this on my own. I want to, but simply can’t.
Rajesh if you ever read this, I did and still do love you. I know you’ve been successful and I’m happy for you. I hope you found tangible lasting love to make up for the chaos of Aradia and my feeble attempt to compensate for her lack of sanity. It seems my heart still burns for you at times, and I will do my best to let that go as well.
May everyone find lasting stable love, the answers you need, and the support you desire.