Today I received this card from my residents in the one Bible study group. I blocked out the 2 last names and building name for security reasons.
Anyway, I didn’t read it right away because I was working on training my replacement. I did get hugs from BJ and several residents today and was already mushy.
My day started with the Executive Director shedding tears over my written goodbye in the newsletter, which as I mentioned before took many revisions all laden with tears. It was all around a hard day, because if I could have figured out how to produce more hours for myself and simply even to just rest, I would have stayed. Alas, my financial needs and their salary cap needs made that a near impossibility. I really do wish I could have found my both-solution without having to quit. I am really going to miss them, even the ones that started out a pain in my tookas.
As it is, I finally sat to read this card as I was getting in the car to head home. Tears welled as I read and when I got to Ferne’s note I started bawling. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
I feel like a collassal schmuck because I can’t keep working 7 days a week, but can’t figure out how to make ends meet on 17.50 an hour for 40 hours a week. I know they care, and I know I care, but the math just doesn’t work out for me. I really wish it did. I just don’t know what to do, and wish I could wave a magic wand to take it all back and make money work out. I so want to be like normal people working a normal work load and doing ok financially. Anymore that seems to be my greatest desire.
I have always asked the Divine for huge amounts of money because I wanted to build Atira so much. Yet I saw that I had a skewed, not quite right version of my dream of Atira vicariously through someone else’s organization, but still couldn’t make it work. Why did God give me all the skills and smarts to do a grand dream, and instill the dream in me, and then put so many damn stumbling blocks in the way? What’s the good of holding such a big dream if you never accomplish the steps to get it really going? It won’t accomplish Jack for anyone if it never takes flight. Furthermore, my dream is to start a perpetual motion machine in business form for doing good deeds for others. Starting it is hard enough, yet I want to stick around for a long time to keep it going and really solidify the perpetual motion part. That way it can be a legacy for decades to come.
Yet I fell into the exhaustion loop, wanting to keep going but my body refusing. That was very dangerous and precarious ground.
So I simply don’t know. Another conundrum I can’t currently see the solution to, and leaving me sad in its wake.