I’m pissed, so I’m likely to use all the swear words here. If that offends you stop reading and back out.
I’m having a feeling used moment and realizing it’s a cycle I’ve repeated throughout my life, starting who knows when. Frankly I don’t fucking care. What matters is that I am damn tired of it.
I’m tired of people that use me for all I’m worth from their perspective and leave me hanging, without anything in return. Not even a god damned apology.
Cowards that think they’re better than me, tuck tail and run, to never own their shit. I hope you all fucking get your karma.
Everyone just expects me to take it and keep my mouth shut. Which for years I have. Not anymore.
I’m not a slave, and I don’t care to be used for anything anymore. I’m not responsible, it’s not my fucking fault, other than I keep feeling these feelings every time a trigger is tripped. I keep feeling the pain and that alone brings more of you fuckers into my life. I don’t care who was the first, and I am working through the last right now. These words are working through the intense anger, no rage, I have, which followed pulling up from the hopeless despair I felt moments ago. Next is neutral, where I simply write off your existence as yet another learning experience.
Fix it yourself, your slave has escaped. Deal with your own shit before you bring anyone else into your experience. Ungrateful, unappreciative slobs. Your filth and wastefulness is repulsive. Stay in your careless inattentive sqaler and you’ll just get more of the same. I’ve shown you how to fix it, I’ve shown you what caring is, because that’s all I ever do. I care far too much for those that simply don’t give a shit.
You can’t get your shit together for yourself, let alone for anyone else. You’re a coward that hides behind “I tried”, “it’s beyond me”, “I hurt too much”, “I don’t feel well”, “I’m not quite right”, and many more that might as well be the same. They are all just excuses.
If I used even a fraction of your excuses I’d never get anything done. I work when I hurt, I work when I don’t feel good. If it’s beyond me currently then I learn what I need to know and quickly. I try only enough to practice it until I can handle it, then I just do it. You’re making excuses and I’m done. I’m not your martyr anymore.
Go find someone else to milk and use and leave hanging. Don’t bother to come whining to me if no one wants you- you wasted your chance with me on lies and excuses. You failed to apologize at all, let alone when it was appropriate. I’ve lost faith and trust in you. I’d rather run away, or die trying than to take back a lying manipulative lazy asshole. Fuck off and leave me be. Energy means nothing when you squander it, things mean nothing if you can’t take care of them, love means nothing if you can’t show it in any real tangible way. You get what you give.
Obviously I’ve given too many reactions. I’ve given to many feelings of hurt, feelings of being used, feeling of being a slave, feelings of being a burden. I’m done.
I love me for caring and loving when none could return what I gave. I care about me. I want only to please myself now, and that doesn’t include anyone else. I’m going to pull up so this shit ceases. There will be no more repeats, because I’ll become a real hermit if I have to… Or the closest thing to it you can create with children in your experience. (Now I know why Ghandi didn’t have kids, or at least that anything was ever written about.)
I will pull up and all you users will become bad memories I avoid. So long assholes.