Pulling teeth painful.

My massage today. I keep telling myself it’s the weight I’m carrying, literally and figuratively, and that I was just too sensitive today. My brain keeps trying to tell me I pissed my therapist off somehow.

Also: Speaking with anyone lately.

I don’t point fingers anymore, I haven’t used names other than my family by marriage and biology, for years. Even when people have pissed me off, upset me, hurt my feelings, and broken my heart. I leave enough decency of respect to leave their names out of my rants. I even do my best to leave their genders undisclosed, except where there was a group of same gender involved at one point.

Yet I know I’m still being energetically attacked by some of those people, that or they are just so effed up that my energetic cords are simply bearing their state of being in my awareness. That is miserable and taking its toll on me. I’ve prayed for protection from that- a lot, yet it continues.

I’m doing my level best to pull up and stay bouyant and still literally carrying pain from others.

I avoid gossip and bad-mouthing others as much as I am able, removing myself from rooms and hermiting as much as possible. Yet people keep wanting to tell me all “the dirt” on others and I just don’t get it.

I’m working so damn hard to be the light and change myself and attempt to lift others up, but I keep receiving the opposite.

When does the bullshit dissappate? When do my efforts hit their tipping point where those things bounce out of my experience? I know they will never completely go away, but the law of attraction says they’re supposed to diminish with efforts towards the other end of the spectrum. How many “That was then, this is now’s” do I need to say to get the junk out of my awareness?

And how many thousands of repeats explaining the same to my son before he starts to get it and make better choices?

I hope there is even my slight relief of other topics, in sight for this one.

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