Do Over.

The last few days have brought messages that for once we’re not delivered by HAL at all. It has been a while since I have experienced that. It’s like HAL has gone radio silent for the last week and my other message avenues have picked up.

Some have left me more confused than ever, others I think are inching me towards clarity.

I’m going to do a brief (?Am I ever brief?) description of last evening’s as an example.

First, I acknowledge that I’ve had a heavy work week and my body is fatigued and achy, not a bad thing, just is what it is. Ultimately, I think some of what I felt was in relation to that, but definitely not all. When Nathan picked me up I was definitely tired and stiff.

We stopped to take a walk and by that point I confessed I wasn’t sure how far I would make it because I felt very heavy. We assumed I wouldn’t get far so we aimed for a big rock we knew was just past where the woods started. As we neared it, I slowed to a crawl, having to focus to even get that far. Nathan said we’d rest before trying to walk back.

As I sat, my left leg and right arm felt massively heavy and my my Reiki turned on, but most intensely in my right hand. I was flooded with intense emotions. I cried. At one point heart burn overtook my tummy and I remembered the experience I had with the resident that made me think of the person I’ve referred to as “the boy” and “AWOL Indian man”. Then I had intense heartache with tightness and pain across my chest and shoulders. It was hard to breathe and I started crying because I knew it was not mine. I told Nathan that if I described the sensations to a doctor they would want to check for a heart attack. Yet knowing it wasn’t mine Nathan asked me for more details. I did feel pain down my arms, but admitted some of that was work related, it had just gotten worse with the chest and shoulders sensations. I explained that I felt choked up and talking was difficult. I just wanted to cry. Yet my heart center was on fire with the love I feel in that connection, and my forehead (3rd eye) was also feeling that fire. Finally, I was able to heave a huge sigh and the physical sensations subsided except for the heaviness and Reiki flow. At that point I heard: “I’m going to go see her, she has a right to know.” That caused yet more tears.

I have played that over and over in my brain all night, agonizing over what the hell did I experience. I’ve done that with every such event this week. This morning, I concluded I needed to write to focus, clear the jumbled mess of thoughts, and gain clarity.

I may jump around a bit, but my goal is to come to orient different thoughts based on my level of knowing, to gain clarity.

  • I know that I communicated with someone.
  • I know that someone was in a relationship that wasn’t entirely their choosing, but they were making the best of it.
  • I know that relationship consisted of 1 man and 1 woman, that knew each other from prior to being in America and would fall under the broad spectrum of arranged marriage.
  • I knew the person I communicated with wanted love, true love- romantic Disney style, but admitted they cared about their other person. They were horribly afraid of hurting their partner, but also afraid of hurting me.
  • I know that I pushed their paradigm in a massive way. I was just so far outside of what they were supposed to do. They didn’t even understand Polyamory at first and didn’t believe that Nathan knew I was courting another person. They didn’t think it was really a possibility for them, and there was an element of sneaking.
  • I know they withheld the full truth from me and I suspected their marriage partner knew some of what was happening. Though I wasn’t sure if they were getting caught or selectively admitting some things. That’s where the breaks in communication would arise.
  • Much of this I trusted as accurate because of my feeling them.
  • I was told I was talking to him, and pronouns nearly always lined up with that. The rare exception they didn’t I thought was either caused by language barrier or an autocorrect oops.
  • I felt the person I communicated with very intensely. Always through the front of the right side of my heart/chest and right shoulder. I also would feel their intense emotional reactions. This was especially the case if I got short with them over having stopped communicating without reason. It was like I slapped them metaphorically, the way I felt the emotional reaction. Yet other times I felt love, passion, caring, genuine concern, arousal. I literally had energetic sex with them on several occasions. I would also feel sensations from this person like they were touching my face or kissing or hugging me.
  • However, I felt their partner too. I would feel the partner through the front of the left side of my heart/chest and shoulders. I would feel the partner after some of our conversations and energetic interactions. I always thought that was the getting caught or confession response. Sometimes the partner reaction was negative, angry and upset, but not always. Sometimes it was just as loving and caring as the person I was communicating with.
  • This was especially the case once I suspected they were spying on me or reading my blog. It was that I would feel the right side response right after posting a writing, and then moments later the left side response. Very few times I’ve felt the left first.
  • These responses are never angry at me. The emotions directed specifically at me are usually positive. The angry and upset ones I always knew were more about either the topic or the situation at hand. Some of the things we discussed as possibilities didn’t sit well with the other person.
  • When I’ve gotten things about them and written about it, it’s like I get an energetic “WTF, how’s she doing that!”
  • Some of the messages this week I felt were directly about the female partner, and today I got a plate message: TC1M2Y… I/my-brain translated that as: my initials+ I’m two why. So now I wonder if I was feeling both all along because they were jointly participating and that was a major part of the lies.
  • Regardless, I’ve been asking for honesty and the full truth, and then I hear they are going to do that, or at least one of them is.

My confusion is that in this mess the last couple of weeks I’ve felt a 3rd person’s responses and once I heard that person say: “you’ve got to tell her, she needs to know”. That person was answered with “I know, but I can’t, not yet.” That was several days ago, before last night’s experience.

Why is there another person that knows, but I’m still in the dark? Why does God keep showing me/letting me feel, just enough to keep me dangling? I would have moved on ages ago if not for that. I have loved others and been able to move on from them when things didn’t work out: 2 other men and 3 other women.

This is different because the other side keeps dragging me into the mess. It better have a happy ending. It better actually end up meaning something for me. Besides the other side/God promised that I’ll have baby with them, and that was 3 years ago that I got that message through very vivid dreams.

Finally, I should hope that if they are spying on me, then they’ve heard my conversations with Nathan, they’ve read my blogs. They should know I’m more open than 90% of the population. I did and still do want my poly family with another woman, and another man wouldn’t hurt. They should know that I know I was lied to, and yet I still care.

There will have to be a starting over moment with the full truth, and if that involves two people, then they should both be there. There’s no reason we can’t get together for a huge 2 family dinner somewhere. Their child is too young to know anything yet (or at least as far as I’m aware), and of my 3 kids, the ones that would have an awareness have already been warned of the possibility of bigger family. Hell, Ian is one of the avenues that I keep getting messages about the person I communicated with. Every once in a while Ian says something followed with: S wanted you to know. Sometimes he writes me something for them or draws a picture about them. So if we’re eventually seated next to that person, Ian’s likely to give them a hug. Anya will just be her embarrassed teen-age self, no matter what happens or gets said, she’s very self-conscious these days and everything comes back to her.

The point is I want to know. Come tell me. We’re human. People make mistakes, it’s what you do afterwards that matters. And gender doesn’t matter for me, looks either, it’s this God given connection that matters most to me.

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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