Watering through grief…

My message the last couple of days: it was just a cosmic ruse to teach me a lesson. The boy, even if accurate and real, will not be a part of my life they say. My heart burns, my eyes won’t quit leaking. How does one get over grief of something felt?

I’ve spent the last 13 years learning to master finding buoyancy regardless of what I’m experiencing in the 3D physical world. Abraham’s lesson is that your vortex holds all the wonder, focus there and you’ll find everything you want. I thought that was what I was doing. Focusing on my vortex, feeling my connection with the person, feeling the emotions of our interactions. Focusing on the dreams and the images I got while meditating. I thought those were the glimpses of my vortex, the feeling of my vortex. Now I’m getting told it was all a ruse and that person is not coming, perhaps another if I can make/allow myself move on. I let myself get hurt because I gave my heart yet again based on what I thought was a sensing of my vortex. I feel like a fool.

How do I reach for the love I felt when I now don’t trust I’m sensing the right thing. I guess I will just stick to myself for a bit. Where’s Treasa, where’s my inner self. Peek-a-boo… Do I see me?

This unsure, hurting woman will keep going. I promised I was going to water my seeds of Atira, and that’s what I intend to do.

So, things from my past I wish to see again was the next step.

  • I wish for my husband to find his younger self again, all the focus, love, strength, stamina, and joy he held when I first met him.
  • I wish for the support of extended family again.
  • I wish for friends that wanted to participate in life to show up again. It’s been a long time since we’ve had friends that spent significant time with us, and we’ve only ever had one friend willing to watch our kids on occasion. I want a support network again.
  • I want for 2 vehicles that are easy to take care of again.
  • I want a home that I can do as I please and make our environment better. To be able to paint walls and make minor repairs as needed (without the process of landlord approval/intervention).
  • I want a garden that produces food again.
  • I want pretty plants and flowers again.
  • I want to feel like my home is home again.
  • I want to feel the sense of belonging.
  • I want to feel loved and desired and attractive.
  • I want to be able to be myself more frequently, to be accepted as who I am.
  • I want to feel confident again.
  • I really liked having acreage and fruit trees, that would be nice.
  • I really liked being outside of town where it is quiet, but close enough that others visited and came out to be social.
  • I liked when I was able to work from home.
  • I liked having rooms for office space and art and meditation/spiritual practice, none of them were large, but all functioned for their specific purpose. I liked having those spaces that I could just go to and do what was intended with little effort.
  • I liked seeing trees and gardens outside my bedroom window.
  • I liked being able to go morel and asparagus hunting.
  • I liked having big bon fire parties.
  • I liked the freedom of rural life.
  • I like the income of city life.
  • I like the convenience of city life.
  • I like the easier-on-my-car of paved roads and highway travel.
  • I like the peace and quiet of the woods.
  • I like the beauty of being in nature.
  • I like the well cared for feeling of a nice home and furniture.

That’s all I can do for now. I have 2 and a half hours of massage left for today. I need to save what little energy I have left.

May you all feel loved and guided and supported by the Divine. May your hurts be minimal, and your days mostly joyful. May you find a way to water your dream seeds even when your heart aches.

Blessings and love, T

Siva Hir Su

About Treasa Cailleach

I'm a massage therapist working with chiropractic and the elderly; musician, artist, pagan, mom, B of LGBTQ, & polyamorous professional.

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