Last night I accidentally ate some corn, now today I’m hurting a bit, but the weird stuff continues.
Nathan wanted Indian food, and picked Goddavari which is South Indian. I love Indian food, but most of it has all my allergens, so I went in prepared having taken an extra dose of benadryl.
My favorite dish is Saag/Palak Paneer so I ordered that. Of course, I stupidly made a comment about not understanding why paneer is always paneer in all the dialects, but the blend of greens changes from Saag to Palak. Moments later I thought of our own ridiculous regionalities like Soda vs Coke vs Pepsi, all essentially being used to convey a carbonated beverage. It made me sigh.
Anyway, Nathan chose Navartan Kurma based on the description not having whole peppers of any kind (that would reduce likelyhood of an asthma response for me).
Our food arrived and as usual we did the sharing of both. As I was eating the Kurma I saw corn. At that point it was too late, so I relagated to enjoying my meal and asked God to help it be gentle on me. Literally my words were “Shiva you come from a land of fire and I need no help with fire”. That made me laugh, and after a moment I said “Thank you for the laugh, but seriously help this be easy on me, and I’ll take more allergy medicine as soon as I can. ”
Considering how much exposure to allergens I had, and knowing there was corn involved, I’m grateful that I’m only a little achey today. I have fared far worse in the past. I have a slightly lighter day, so with anti-inflamatories and lots of fluids I’ll make it through just fine.
So then imagine if you will, me standing naked (maybe don’t imagine that part 😅 ) in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Just then a giant spider literally dropped down beside me on our over the toilet shelves.
It looked like this one:
Yuck! And it was huge, the size of a shooter-marble. Double yuck.
I backed away, toothbrush still in my mouth, I called for Nathan to come kill it. He started laughing at me. He told me that I’m such a strong warrior, right up until a spider gets too close and I turn into a shaking little girl. I punched him in the arm, right after he squashed and flushed the spider. I told him you might be right, but that doesn’t mean you have to mock me.
He said ” By the way, that spider was for you, I’m not the one that has spiders in dreams or anywhere for that matter.” I punched him again. But he’s right, it very much was for me.
The dreams and messages have continued.
Last night’s dream: Nathan got over zealous about a run-down house in searching for someplace to buy. In the dream he literally started cleaning when the real estate agent went to check on the home’s status. When the agent came back she said it had already closed for the cost of the outstanding taxes. Nathan was annoyed, but I ranted at him about the feasability of it in the first place.
I knew that dream was not just about a warning of being overzealous, it was also about how sometimes Nathan and I interact out of habits. We’re literally re-attracting repeat situations because of our inability to believe the other has improved and changed and grown. It made me pause, but I found myself getting riled telling him of the dream. I wanted him to do or say something that would prove he hears me and acknowledges we need to do things differently. We need a reset and I’m not sure how to accomplish that.
Anyway, just before waking this morning I heard a child say “will you keep me safe”. Initially I thought” I’ll keep you as safe as I can and let God do the rest”. Later, I reworded that to “I’ll teach you to let God keep you safe”.
Ultimately, I feel like that might be the spirit of my next child, and this is a redefining moment. This is a be careful what you ask and what you promise type situation.
I know as a parent that despite my best efforts my children will experience hurts. I also know that God heals hurts and can keep us safe from the worst if we allow that connection to guide us. I’ve been doing my best of late to try and teach Ian and Katharine that. It’s very difficult to slow a child down and get them to find their inner guidance, at least it is with my children. Yet, it’s not impossible.
It is my goal that my current children and any others I may have learn to maintain their connection better than I did. Of course, the hardest part in that is relinquishing control when their inner guidance dictates they do something differently than I would. My children are my most difficult mirrors, pushing my paradigm, making me uncomfortable over the simplest of things. I know this, but somehow that knowing doesn’t make the process any easier. I find I often have to step back and just breathe.
May you all find God’s helpful grace in your times of errors. May you all find your inner being and find a way to teach your children to find theirs. May your mirrors come with patience and understanding so you learn your own lessons gently. And may you find your strength even when faced with the thing that makes you feel like a trembling child.
Be well and blessed.
So mote it be. Siva Hir Su.