Hermitage for reconciliation.

Today I have desired to curl up in a ball in the corner. I was originally going to have a light day, but since 2 appointments were added, it’s pretty much a normal work day. As such I’ve curled up in a ball twice on short breaks.

My mental and emotional fatigue is mainly the cause. I’m on my 9th working day of a 13 day stretch, and have decided I really do suffer when I don’t get at least one day off a week.

The thing is, when I do work a Sunday it’s for the old job I still respect and have gratitude for. Sunday’s are not hard, and mostly it’s just a lot of walking and taking to people. I enjoy the social aspect, and the walking isn’t that bad. But somehow that day of work makes it so much harder to get through the next week. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to walk away from that company all together because it is a good company, but the wages I net seem insignificant compared to the massage wages, and the impact on my work week is much more significant than expected.

Yet this Sunday I had a moment of really shining when I walked staff from another new location through our building. I answered hundreds of questions on everything from what my previous roles were and entailed, to kitchen staffing, menus, and dress code, and was able to provide an excellent detailed tour of our facilities. I enjoyed being able to do something well and help new staff navigate the company. It felt good to help the company.

Yet, I made a choice to take the massage contract and I’m really enjoying it as well. I like the people I work with and fit well in that environment. I am a great therapist and I’m able to help everyone I work with, as evidence by my growing schedule. Every month gets better and better, and it’s not going to be very long and I’ll have a schedule full enough that people will be competing to get appointment slots. I love that feeling, and it’s helped a lot financially.

I paid off the vacation, and paid for several car repairs, and now I’m working on rebuilding a current home office to be able to do graphic design again. Within about a month I’ll have a fully professional design computer again. My 1st project planned is to redo designs for Atira, and begin a 3D modeling of some of the structures. I’m very much looking forward to that. It feels good to know I have the skills and soon will have my own equipment and software to tackle such a large design project.

So I’m very appreciative of seemingly disparate experiences and the resulting time management conundrum. My dissonance right now is why do I love things that don’t seem to fit together.

It doesn’t help that playing in the background is that I’m still missing my Indian person and their spouse. Add to that feeling like I shot myself in the foot over the tall dark handsome man. I was enjoying the sentiments of physical attraction, the innuendo, right up until it seemed too much for a clinical environment. Really, the big moment was when “other women” was referenced and I felt myself turn into a jealous protector, something I typically don’t experience because of the way Nathan and I have navigated polyamory. I think my brain just allowed myself to go too far with things even when I knew I had no reason. I don’t even know his background well enough. I don’t know if he understands polyamory at all, let alone how it pertains to my marriage. So I shut it down and now I find myself missing the flattery. I also find myself trying to fill in blanks that I’d rather just learn the answers to. Merh.

So I am literally trying to muscle through this day, somewhat in hermit mode, hoping that clearing the other side I’ll be able to find resonance where all the things I want come together better.

May you all have enough solitude and an easy path to solutions of dissonance and disparity.

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