I’m listening to “Wave Wet Sand” by Ace of Base… really it’s the first track I played to start their “Bridge” album… it’s somehow fitting for the afternoon I’ve had.
I feel like God’s love is sometimes the elusive thing that song is about.
I had an empathic moment that I was fairly certain I understood, but upon asking the person I thought it connected to, I was told I was wrong. I felt horrible afterwards, especially like I was an idiot to say anything. I thought they would understand, but I ended up feeling like a freak of nature. I’m still not sure if I was right and they were freaked out by my bringing it up, or if I was wrong in my interpretation to begin with.
Empathic energy is not an exact science at the best of times, but I get things right enough of the time that it bodes very well in my massage work. I just usually don’t tell people. All they know is they leave the massage feeling tons better than they went in. The woman I referenced a couple posts ago is a rare exception.
After several apologies for screwing up, I told the person it’s why I don’t have any great friends and few mediocre ones. They said yeah, it seems like it would be a blessing and a curse.
It really is.
When I’m right and in a position to help, I’m able to use Reiki and massage to release all kinds of things and help people feel so much better.
Other times, like with the Indian person, I feel such a intense things, and in that instance they ran. I still don’t know if it caused fear, or if they thought I was crazy, or if it was just simply too much for them to handle. Regardless, I gave my heart to them and had it tossed away like garbage. That hurts.
I want to believe I had things right and the love was real, but because of how that journey ended I simply don’t know. Furthermore, I’m now gun-shy. This afternoon felt too much like a repeat. I can’t fight another battle like that again. I won’t fight for anything at this point and I’m likely to just keep everything to myself from now on.
I told Nathan, on the way home from work, thank you for being able to handle me and not being afraid of me. I told him how much I appreciate that he understands all of me and is able to help me so often.
I will do my best to keep doing God’s work, but from here on out I’ll do it quietly unless they really, really nag me otherwise. I may be strong in a lot of ways, but there’s no need to carry the extra burden of rejection unnecessarily.
May you understand your gifts from God fully. May you feel accepted and understood. May you know you’re doing good and feel loved. May your gifts from God be easy to carry and easy to fulfill.
Siva Hir Su