While at the wedding, I sent an angry message, which I can’t forget. To be honest it was drunk texting.
I’m torn between letting it drop knowing I won’t get a response anyway, and simply apologizing.
Essentially, I am angry over lies and ghosting and getting hurt- at least on the surface.
In my message which I’ve now reread a dozen times hoping I would see a response, I saw my errors. I saw my assumptions. I saw where my mind has filled in blanks grasping at thin air for understanding.
In reality, I’m mad at myself.
I’m angry because:
- I let myself be attached.
- I let myself get hurt.
- I can’t let go and move on, despite desperately trying to do so.
- I perceive that the other-side/God keeps reminding me of all of it.
- I don’t understand why the other-side/divine keeps reminding me, since that’s never happened before; or why I can’t let go and move on, knowing I’ve been able to with others.
- I put hopes for myself in another.
- I did make assumptions and fill in blanks that were not mine to fill in. I let feelings and sensations stir my imagination.
- I made an assumption that because I felt a person’s energy in a certain way, that they must have been special or different. That the intensity and way in which I experienced things must have somehow dictated more importance for me because of the way I feel others on a regular basis.
- I allowed a connection to interfere with my worldview.
- I loved an idea so much that I’ve held myself apart from it by focusing on it’s absence.
- I’m disappointed in myself for being hung up, stuck in a mental loop, unable to let go enough to fully restart.
- That I’ve allowed this experience to shadow my current reality and I’ve begun to distrust everything that even slightly seems similar.
- I question my now, myself, and my experiences, because that one instance fell flat.
Now, as I’ve told Nathan many times, once I acknowledge the problem, I can do something, anything to fix it. I make an attempt for improvement. I make an attempt to rewire my brain or reach for better.
So in this instance reaching for better would be:
- I want to detach- let go and move on.
- I want to see my growth and healing.
- I want to see how this experience helped me to be a better person.
- I want reminders in my experience to cease.
- I want understanding and clarity.
- I want the truth, an answer, an explanation.
- I want to know why I felt everything that I did, and why I felt them the way I did.
- I want to know what my dreams were and what they meant. I keep cycling back to my dreams: when they are that vivid, they always have an element of truth that will eventually be clear. I’m ready for that clarity.
- I want to see my hopes fulfilled. I want to see and feel evidence of my desires in me and around me. I want to feel God’s support.
- I want the blanks filled in, the truth as it pertains to me. Why is the divine continually reminding me of them?
- I want to allow things in. I want to accept the process.
- I want to restart.
- I want to know for certain that I’m discerning something unique in my life.
- I want to eliminate doubts.
- I want certainty.
- I want to be confident in myself.
- I want to delight myself.
- I want to regain a solid world view and find confidence and trust in moving forward into new situations.
- I want to trust myself again, and have knowing that I am feeling things accurately. I want to have more evidence that I’m accurate in discerning other’s energy and how it relates to me (bodywork vs significant resource vs significant other).
- I want to feel protected and that it is safe to love.
- I want to dispel fears and find confidence in attracting someone to love again, in addition to my Nathan.
- I want that someone to choose me… as in they could do anything they want, have other options available, but choose me because they connect with me on an intense level…. and they are open and honest about it even if that seems daunting, a challenge. (That doesn’t mean they have to give up other options, just that they choose me, also, as well, in addition to, or because they didn’t connect as well with the other options.)
That’s a good start. From here now I look for evidence of the answer, and keep an open mind and watch for synchronicity. My solution will come eventually.
May you all have refocusing moments. May you all have redefining clarity. May you all find your way to improvement. And finally, may you find your solutions and path forward.
Siva Hir Su