Coocooned, withdrawn, as a hanged man card in tarot.
I’m still doing work-outs and cleaning up. I discovered a couple of elements that have backslid significantly in the weight lifting department, but generally I’m doing great. I still need to tone my abs much more, but I’m walking multiple miles at least 5 days a week. Saturdays and Mondays are my low step days by virtue of my schedule working with elderly all over the city.
I’ve lost a couple of my elderly clients due to recent falls, they’re still trucking, but post fall massage isn’t a good idea until they’re all healed up. So my schedule is ever so slightly lighter.
Anyway, I’ve pulled back because I’m re-evaluating my life. Again.
I know God is with me, and I know that I have a unique perspective on that due to my background.
Brief recap for those that aren’t regular readers: ever since birth Indian men/experiences have shown up and helped me through crises; but my parents being of 2 different Christian sects could never agree on which church, and at least twice in my childhood I was bullied by supposedly good Christian children, not to mention molested by a third. Now today after much learning and growing, I consider myself a Pagan with very strong Hindu influences. God seems to support me in this path as when I give myself time to meditate on the divine, the presence is strong.
Anyway, I do my best not to push that on anyone else, but I’m not afraid to defend myself and my path when others attempt to say I’m wrong. I’m a kind, caring, healer, and just because God took a path of less resistance for me, doesn’t mean I experience the divine any less or wrongly. I am a good citizen and person, and expect to be treated as equals by anyone I meet.
However, it seems that this strength, this inner knowing keeps getting me in trouble. I’m literally running people off, left and right, because I’m too assertive, too confident. At least it seems that way to me.
I feel like I continually do my best, and try to be there for everyone. It doesn’t matter if it’s colleagues needing to vent, friends with social events, polyamory or LGBT gatherings, homeschool families connecting kids, or my own family at home. I do my best to juggle it all, and I try not to forget anyone completely.
Sometimes I get details jumbled, and sometimes I go to offer up helpful messages at bad timing or when resistance to suggestions is present. Occasionally, I drop the ball and overbook or overextend myself, and end up having to apologise profusely to whomever is involved. This last Saturday it was 2 of my old ladies which I simply ran out of steam to accommodate them and had to cancel last minute. Yet, I made it up to them Monday evening.
I’ve been told I’m too much to handle, to harsh, overly critical or helpful (depending on who says it), intimidating, and over the top on occasion. I have literally run off 3 love interests and several friends.
Not to mention the homeschool group mostly avoiding me because I got very intense attempting to convince them they needed to take discussions of depression, cutting, and suicide seriously. That their kids needed attention, including counseling and possibly medical care. Yet again, I was too much, despite my experience dealing with the matter successfully without any depression related medication (dessicated thyroid and allergy meds are the only Rx meds I’ve ever taken for more than a week).
I spent decades shy and meager, overwhelmed by depression. People preached at me to pull up, suck it up, and get my act together. That it wasn’t as bad as I thought, the world needed me to live.
Now I have, and I’m getting told the opposite. Back off, chill out, in essence ‘leave me alone’.
What the hell happened to the world needs me?
Anyway, for now (who knows how long), I will not text/message anyone other than my Nathan unless they text me first. I will not contact anyone directly. If they care about me, they’ll message or call me. I’m not hopeful as every time I’ve ever done this before, I get nothing. I am simply not valued by others, as much as I value them.
I was noting to Nathan last night that the friends we thought we were closest to, only ever text if they want our daughter to do a sleepover with their daughter. I know they are very fond of Facebook, but Nathan’s on there and they still never reach out, even to ask how I’m doing (not being able to connect with me via that avenue).
I just don’t know how to fix that. How does one find people willing to connect in a valuable way? How do I encourage friendship and connections without being too much for them? How do I get people to see that my attempts of connecting are because I care? I just don’t know.
May you all have positive connections with people that value you. May you find the perfect balance between being there for someone without being too much or a doormat. May you find that others appreciate you and value your presence in their lives. May you feel your connection to the divine and understand your path. May you have a sense of your own belonging, your own value in this world.
Siva Hir Su