So I have come to a place of resignation. My humanly efforts will likely never get me to my great grand dreams of Atira. So I’m letting them remain dreams while I work with the here and now in front of me. Assuming they will always be dreams, and were never actually intended to come true, somehow takes the sting out of their feeling so far out of reach.
Anyway, I put a lot of time on my grand dome home design last night, and some more today. I used it as a distraction from a hiccup in the mortgage process for our good enough home. ( I’ll post images of the dome designs last.)
Essentially, even though I single-handedly supported and kept my family with a roof over their heads for the last decade, it came down to needing a cosigner. I make enough for the loan amount we requested, but because I took a “real job” for most of the last 2.5 years it affected my self-employment income levels. They can’t count the job because I’m no longer full time there, but they can’t count previous tax returns for the same reason. It came down to 3 options.
1. Fully audited profit and loss costing 10 grand and taking 30 days, but which would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made as much as I say I did.
2. Start over with another mortgage company and risk losing our choice house because the seller might not agree to time extension.
3. Scramble to find and file paperwork for a cosigner, and cross fingers we make it through completely by Thursday this week.
Nathan’s dad agreed to facilitate the third long enough to enable doing a refinance ASAP later.
Which, by the way, I will not use the mortgage company we chose at the start of this process. I was livid that this current company didn’t catch this hiccup right away. I would not have paid for the inspection and thus not have gotten attached to buying a home until after this year’s taxes had been filed, and then could be counted without using a costly time consuming process.
As it is, I spent 2 days doing everything I would for my taxes for them to say they really needed the audit. Then I oscillated between livid angry shakes and wanting to cry because all my efforts still don’t matter to anyone else. I screamed a few times when alone, and ranted at the mortgage broker twice over the phone for her fuck-up.
At this point we’re half packed and I have already set plans in motion for the logistics of the move and post move. Not to mention having taken 4 days off of work when holidays are already eating 2.5 days. So, I find myself convincing my brain that it will work out, and we’ll move on-time for a Happy Yule and Merry Christmas. When that slips, I switch to a pleasant distraction or meditation, and occasional pacing.
I am determined that not only am I getting this home on time, I will also have it paid for in full in 5 years or less. On my own.
There is an element of wishing I had my other person, my significant-other. As much as I feel good about eventually finding the “HA I did it myself!”- especially knowing I do always get to see that light; there is another much larger part wishing I didn’t have to work so hard to prove my deserving-ness to others. Like really, if the damned mortgage broker had paid attention, this process could have waited 5 months and been much smoother on me. Yet, if there was a significant-other that was part of the family, then the cosigner would have been an original intention with extra legal protections for that person, not a last minute back-up plan. There are just so many ways this could have gone better and easier, but alas I have no significant-other life-partner at this time, AND I got the crappy mortgage broker that is only used to dealing with people that have “good jobs”. RAWR!
Anyways, rant aside, my distractions have been worthwhile. There is the poly-family dome-home designs for Atira. There have been wrap-ups of shirt designs for other people. There was holiday gifting and cards to write, and brainstorming a white elephant gift for an upcoming parent holiday party. Additionally, there was quite a bit of time invested in reading books, working with the stock market, and playing Magic Cards with my friend and people he knows.
I have to say that the card games were a blast. I finally felt reacquainted with the game enough, that I ventured out to play at the store with a full group. We did the new Commander Style, and it was great fun, especially since I was getting to test out a brand new to me deck that was a gift. I played 4 rounds, I think, though my brain was mush by half way through the last round. One round there were 5 players at the table and it was a lot to keep up with. Luckily I was not the only one in the “newbie” category, so they went gentle on me. I still died every time, as I’m not up to speed enough to win one yet.
The funniest moment to me was sitting at a table full of people my age and the one teenager looked just like one of the kids in the home-school group. I knew it wasn’t the same kid by name, but it was uncanny how similar they were. I appreciated that the players which I knew were very skilled and good at strategy, were kind to the teenager and the even the two of us older but currently inexperienced players. What was also funny was all of us older players reminiscing of back in the day when we played using certain cards. At one point someone played a card that was “Llanowar Rebirthed”, and I found myself saying I remembered playing a green deck that had Llanowars (not re-birthed) in it. That stirred a whole conversation on old cards. It was good fun. I had a really great time, and look forward to another day like that… Hopefully my schedule will allow for it sooner than later.
Finally I really wanted to check in on my progress with weight-loss and my health in general. I know that I have had lots of positive comments lately, but with the holiday season and my known food fails, I haven’t been able to see my progress myself. I still feel like I’m just treading water. So, I had Nathan pull some really old pictures.
First were my High-school Senior Portraits, done by a highly respected local lady in 2001. I know I weighed 280 pounds.
The following are from 2010 to 2012, before I started my health journey, my peak I weighed 300 pounds ( I quit weighing myself at 295, and I know I exceeded that for quite some time.) All of these pictures were taken by Nathan, some in professional mode, some in family mode.
The next 3 were from 2013, as I was beginning my health journey, and just before I had lost enough weight to conceive Ian. They were taken about a month after our trip to Cleveland by train where another passenger told me about Iodine and Borderline Thyroid conditions. That had led to the beginning of loosing weight, and was I definitely beginning to feel better.
Finally, these are current. Top left (red velvet shirt) being from right now.
I can kind of see the changes, but I have to really look at the pictures from a shapes and contour perspective to see the differences. I wish I could tell better. I suppose I will never be the size 6-8 person that we’re all supposed to be able to maintain. Perhaps that is like my dream of Atira.
Anyway, I am really attempting to see the positives, and it seems that I am having to stretch quite a bit to do so, so I’ll leave you with links and Images of Atira. I will eventually get my dome designs finished and 3-D models rendered. Considering this is a sideline for fun, I’ve gotten quite a ways in my very rare spare time.
Finally for those designs in progress: I haven’t touched the first floor at all yet, so I will put up the rest. What you can’t see here are all the guides and rulers and grids that I have used to align everything and make sure proportions are accurate. The jpg for the crows nest looks massive in comparison, but it is merely an export output result, it is very much the appropriate size in the CorelDRAW file.
May you all see your good. May you be aware of your progress. May you have an easy time conveying your strengths and deserving-ness. May others appreciate you and may your life improve incrementally in noticeable ways. May you see the good in everyone and feel the love. May you have dreams that are more reachable, and may you have solutions for your here and now. May you always feel the knowing that everything is okay and you will get through. May your tough times be short lived and well rewarded.
Feel the Love and Be The Change
Siva Hir Su