I know I’ve said it before.

I told Nathan I was sorry that I’m not able to manage the grand dream of Atira, but that I’d do my best to get a tiny plain Jane version going with our new home. I reiterated that I sincerely love him and always have.

I’m moving in into accepting that it’s just me and Nathan… And God’s help.

I saw a license plate that said ‘I setld’; in full English that’s “I settled”. I probably am doing that, I am giving up on reaching for my big dream. I tried and got my heart broken several times over. I’m deciding that I don’t think I can handle anymore of that and I’d rather go small and find some results, than go big and end up feeling alone and heart-broken again. Dreams can remain dreams. I’ll live in my fantasy inside my thoughts, like when I was a schoolgirl being scolded for daydreaming too much. It’s my easy way of finding creativity, at least when I’m not too busy functioning in daily life.

This Yule I am going to love me for my endurance and intelligence. I’m going to love me for still caring even after everything I’ve been through. I love me for putting family first. I love me for supporting those I love: Nathan, Anya, Ian, Katherine, and pets (even those people that left). I love me for continuing to work so hard and diligently. I love me for continuing to reach for another slightly better step.

This Yule evening, I lit candles and incense on the altars for Lord Shiva. I said a prayer essentially apologizing for being so dense, but thanking the divine presence for attempting to help me anyway. I acknowledged that I knew I was slowing the flow, but can’t seem to heal my brain enough to fix that, and my puzzle is just too complex to maintain perfectly every waking moment. I just want the divine to know I’ve tried and I honor and respect all the divine help I’ve been blessed with.

To celebrate, we decorated with live trees I can plant later in our new yard. We adorned them in LED lights and a few ornaments. And set the table with my decopage plates from last year’s craft activity.

Anya’s gift to us was a homemade meal of pomegranate citrus salmon with roasted brussel sprouts and honey carrots. And we had a toast of sparkling cider.

In the morning Pagan Santa (the original-a jolly elf king) will deliver a very few toys and clothes to my little ones, and a card-game and treat-giftcard to Anya. I found new bras and undies for myself (another first in over a decade), and Nathan couldn’t find anything he really wanted, swearing he feels blessed regardless.

It is a small impromptu Yule to compensate for changes in plans outside of our control.

May you have solid plans with happy family celebrations to bring all your loved ones close for the holidays. May you feel support and love all around you. May you find your healing and allow the flow of God and good to be abundant always. May your home feel like home and may you always find your holidays comfortable. May you have joyous holidays this year and always.

Happy Yule, Joyous Solstice, Blessed Kwanzaa, Happy Hanakha, and Merry Christmas, etc.!

Blessings and much love. Siva Hir Su

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