I’m feeling anxiety. I’m feeling extreme heaviness. I’m feeling ALL of the energetic connections that I have ever felt the last few years: left and right of heart center, solar plexius, back of my right shoulder, stomach, even lesser transient spots. They are all active at once, in a comes and goes sort of way.
Every time I meditate I experience some relief, but it’s followed by extreme fatigue. At one point meditation actually felt like it made matters worse, and my heart started racing and I felt panicky.
I’ve oscillated between feeling like I’m having thyroid rushes and knowing I’m getting psychic input.
If it were thyroid spikes they would be more consistent and less swingy. My thyroid has spiked in the past and it has always been a gradual peak from over-medication and then gradually leveling out when dose was reduced. Plus, the anxiety was always accompanied by heat rash and hot flashes. This is not, and I’m not taking any meds for my thyroid right now, and I’ve been good to stay away from food allergies for over a week now.
The other thing that tells me it’s input from others is that my body keeps going into self-protection. The last wave being so intense that my traps seized up and gave me an instant headache. I told Nathan I felt like my head was going to explode. He was driving me from the clinic to one of my elderly home visits and asked what to do. I just told him to help me get my day over with.
Yet there have been moments where I felt the touches and sensations of caresses and kisses like I used to get with SJ. Some of those moments feel wonderful. One of the meditations I did actually helped every muscle in my body relax and bones popped back into place. But that came with visualizations of one of the someones that has rejected me, so that confused matters even more for me. Especially when I very clearly heard “I’m coming for you.” Not in a sinister way, but as like the Knight coming to rescue me.
I want to understand, but feel like I’m more confused than ever. When I am not in the midst of one of these moments I’m cold almost to shivers like an extreme thyroid fall-off. It’s like whatever is happening is literally draining all of my energy for normal functioning. I’ve literally fallen asleep every time I sit still for more than 10 min.
Trying to be patient and wait for clarity. Still hiding and not talking to anyone unless necessary or benign.
May you understand your gifts and interpret input easily. May you feel loved, accepted, and supported. May you know the messages you feel. May God help you through confusion and trying times.
Siva Hir Su