I’m on a wild goose chase trying to figure things out about myself. There is old programming in my brain that needs rewriting like a computer, and I’m just not certain how to accomplish that.
My intuitive input told me to look at my early childhood as that is where programming started. I just wasn’t sure what I was looking for so I sent my mom an email to ask. I simply asked her what she remembered from when I was about two years old.
This was most of her reply (I cut some unrelated info):
I got you a big baby doll for your 2nd birthday. It was almost as big as you. Dad got fired from his job, I was working at a nursing home, we got into the moble home based on my income only and moved to Randolf acres. I worked overtime so that I could buy you the green turtle sand box. I thought dad was going to kill me. Literally. There were two little girls living across the street. You played with dolls with them and in the sand box. Your oldest brother had been sharing the little bedroom with you. He slept on the top bunk. He left for the Air Force and then you had the room to yourself. Your other two brothers shared the bigger room until the second oldest went to Coast Guard Academy.
I think you were happy. You were healthy at that time.
You were a “Cookie Monster” at two. You would sit in your high chair with your hand up and open and close your hand wanting animal crackers. If I ran out you would drive me crazy till I got more. You were around 3 1/2 when we moved to Indiana.
You used to talk to an imaginary friend but I never knew who it was. I thought it was because I worked nights and your brother was at school, and you were lonesome. You would line up all of your stuffed animals and dolls and play school. You were past two then. More like three to five. You watched Bob Ross and all the other artists on TV and drew and colored pictures. One of your favorites was a lady who did old barns and rural scenes and she always had a cat somewhere in the picture, sometimes hidden in plain site.Thank you Mom. 💗
After reading her email I saw the pattern of repeat, at least where it started.
I find it interesting that Nathan is unemployed (though his is health related and my dad was career related), and I have spent most of my working the last 8 years in nursing environments. I have also repeated the overtime to make ends meet/provide a few good things for kids, and especially the buying a home on my own. Even things such as kids sharing rooms and a turtle sandbox. I find it interesting that our repeat moving/changing-homes pattern is also similar to the pattern of my childhood.
Although I don’t feel like Nathan is going to kill me, sometimes I feel like the situation and all the hours could. Yet I keep pushing myself, striving to keep reaching for better. Then I have moments where I just wish to throw in the towel and give up. I have enough, I don’t need anything else for this lifetime. Then I acknowledge that my extended chill-out times only get me so far and usually end up in financial strain.
Additionally, somehow reading mom’s comments on being a Cookie Monster, makes the allergen addiction (dairy/grains) less of a pressure knowing it started when I was that young. It’s easier on oneself when trying to break an addiction, if you acknowledge something that’s been happening for 36 years, is not likely to be broken overnight. I will simply keep asking for only things which are good for my body to be present. That is the best way for God to help. If I’m not presented with addictive options then it’s easier to say no. I do still need to reach for some self-control though, or I’ll find myself going to the store to replenish them. That’s the hazard of being an adult with means to do so- yet usually I’m not that person.
And my not-so-imaginary friend. What’s his purpose? That’s at the heart of it all. Why did he leave and come back? Why didn’t he help me figure out solutions to the programming before it became such an ingrained problem? Though I appreciate my mom’s acknowledgement of his existence, it leaves more questions than were answered in those regards.
I’m hoping that eventually I’ll build my dome home and we’ll stay put for the rest of my life. If I ever make it that far, a lot of the other elements will also change. Yet, I’m concerned that since my kids are all in or past the age range of my initial query, that they now have the same programming. That is super frustrating.
Anyway, the bigger picture is that there is indeed detrimental programming in my brain, which is impeding my personal growth. When I contemplate trying to solve that connundrum I keep cycling back to how computers are handled; especially since I’m familiar with several very influentially smart people referencing the human brain as being like a computer.
From my rudimentary knowledge there are options involving both software and hardware.
To me hardware options for the human brain/body would be something like lobotomy, brain damage, or a new body. Plus perhaps options I’m not aware of or don’t feasibly exist. None of those are realistic or desirable to me. Enough said.
However, like Windows 10, sometimes software upgrades are not compatible with existing hardware.
So, I perceive that I need the brain software upgrade that is compatible with my existing hardware but propels me to better function and speed, just like in a computer. Something that allows the positive forward movement in the most efficient way possible. That which creates less distress and frustration because the cogs are spinning. Less hourglass waiting, and more efficiently being productive. Less stuck, and more financial growth. Less hours worked, and more income brought in. More time to play the games like when I was a child playing school or watching painters.
Yet I need this software upgrade in the most efficient way possible as well. In computers you can uninstall and reinstall better functioning software. Or you can simply overwrite software with the upgrade if they are similar enough. I’m honestly not certain how to accomplish either with my brain. Plus, even in computers you often find glitches later where old programming wasn’t completely overwritten and it can hang things up.
I feel like in some ways I did manage to override the old to a certain degree. A house instead of a mobile home. Fewer kids, and the determination to keep it that way. Being more fiscally responsible as the mortgage company put it. Keeping debt low and working with cash mostly, only using credit enough to boost our scores back up. Working primarily as a contractor making my own schedule and earning my own business contracts through my own dependability and skill. Pushing myself to think bigger and reach for better.
But even with these changes, I’m essentially doing the same thing slightly better.
Abraham speaks of some leaps being too large to handle and if you attempt too large of a leap it can cause horrible problems (lottery winners that end up destitute) or death. I definitely don’t want that. But I do want a larger improvement than I have managed thus far.
I want the kind of noticable shift where even people that don’t know me very well notice. Like when your employer upgrades computers when you’re gone and you come back and you’re like “OH, that’s different!”.
I suppose if you’re reading this and know computers well, is there a suggestion? Do you have any hypothesis on how to override old programming in the human brain?
I know the slight adjustments I’ve already made were a combination of pretending when young, and meditation as an adult. I know that’s part of the key, but feel like there’s more to it than that. That there are other pieces to the re-coding of brain software. I just don’t know what they are, and how to maximize their effectiveness.
So, may you all experience a realization of your growth. May you all find easy software upgrades. May you all find the personal growth you seek. May your life improve in all ways. May we all be supported by God and understand the unseen better.
Siva Hir Su