More words, attempting to convey feelings and processes I’ve been working through. A continual effort toward self-improvement. A continuation of the last few posts.
I’m trying to do what this song speaks to:
I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.
Still figuring out what God and my inner being want to be/feel loved. So far I have figured out the following.
- I like being shown genuine appreciation and attraction, but I have been lied to so much in my life I’ve begun to believe everyone is lieing to me. Plus knowing I don’t fit the standard of beauty (by a long shot) makes me believe I am just receiving lip-service when I am told I’m beautiful.
- I love loving and being loved, but I’ve lost so many people whom I loved, that I’ve begun to cut myself off before I get hurt. I’ve also been afraid of letting new people in at all.
- I like being given money or gifts of any kind really, but I’m so afraid of not knowing how, or being able to repay it that I hold it off. The one exception is massage tips because I know they are a gift of showing ones appreciation for a job really well done, and I’m not expected to repay them.
- I like knowing that I’m doing better financially, but I’ve had to work so hard for what little I do have that I’m afraid that everyone is out to get me, take advantage of me, or rip me off. I honestly thought that someone I loved was being manipulated enough that they or the manipulator wanted to make me pay- extortion. In reality I can see that they might have thought I was attempting to do that level of manipulation, and they were just trying to protect themselves.
- Because I constantly feel others emotions, but don’t always understand their origin or reason, AND they are most frequently from the more negative spectrum- I have begun to assume that people are lieing to me, that there’s no love, and that I should distrust everything.
- Putting elements like these together has caused me to cut 3 people off which I care very much for. I hurt them accidentally and now I’m afraid of making things worse.
1) Why does all of this unravel in such a way that everything is excruciating and progress is slow, not to mention the painfulness of realizing you have it all wrong and have to start over again and again?
2) I know we’re not here to get it done, or fix anything, but sometimes the solutions are so complex or hard to find that it seems like a never ending goose chase. I wish that some of these belief puzzles were less taxing on my system and easier to solve.
3) I keep “returning to the essence” to forget everything for a bit, but it always wears off. Why doesn’t my stupid brain learn better and let go of all of it in a more prolonged way!
So I love… (Without the fears and hang-ups).
- Gifts and money being given to me.
- Being appreciated and having people express what they find attractive about me.
- Being loved and loving others.
- I enjoy being appreciated.
- I like knowing my finances continue to gradually improve.
- I prefer feeling with understanding. I prefer experiencing that with positive emotions.
- I prefer knowing my ability to feel combined with my intelligence is what keeps me safe. I love feeling safe and protected.
- I enjoy being held, especially in strength which encourages the feeling of safety.
- I love having conversations where I get to learn more about someone I care for.
- I love being creative.
- I love finding solutions.
- I love finding and maintaining peace.
May you figure out your hang-ups easily. May you find your solutions. May people be forgiving of your mistakes. May people be genuine, truthful, honest, and caring when sharing thoughts of you. May you find the believing place where you feel a knowing of their truthfulness. May you find and maintain your peace. May you feel the love. May you find a way to make things right. May you allow your own happiness.
Siva Hir Su