I love my husband. I know he is far older and in not-so-preferred state of health. Yet I love him just the same.
My first love, and the only one whom has stuck by my side through thick and thin.
The thick being mud so deep a tow truck was called, chicken shit packed hay that took the two of us 3 hours to shovel, snow so deep we were snowed into a house without heat, ice so thick it downed power and cut us off from each other for nearly a week.
Thin being food stamps and charity when his heart failed, when both of us were working the only jobs to be had and both of us together didn’t get even 40 hours a week, when several car repairs later we coached each other through a 90 mile but 7 hour drive home due to a bad fuel filter which later cost me all of $5 to replace myself.
The only one who shares my hopes and dreams enough to do his best to support our journey together.
He’s had as many hopeful dates ending in love lost as I have. He’s tried to build family as much as I have, while still putting me first in his life. He helps me save money and helps me repair our finances. He fixes me food and drink nearly every day. He cares for our children and makes sure they are educated well, in a city that rarely enables that for it’s population. He protects us all by keeping a watchful eye on everything.
He holds me when I have weak moments, and knows when I act out, I’ve just temporarily lost the battle to my inner demons. He may not be as physically strong as he used to be, but emotionally he has greater strength than anyone I know.
I remember our first kiss as vividly as my favorite childhood moments. I remember the first time he explored my belly, it went no further, just a tender moment of true appreciation. I remember the time we stood outside our work and I put my hands to his heart and literally felt the love radiating from him. I remember his beautiful eyes, so beautiful I drew them and labeled it “Loving Eyes”. People still immediately recognize it’s him when they see the picture.
I remember days when he chopped logs to have grand bonfire parties. I remember camping trips at Gaea, fun festivals full of social moments during the day and intimate moments at night. I remember the first time he scolded me into relaxing and taking a proverbial chill pill. I remember the first time I asked him to take nude pictures of me so that I could see what he saw, and how beautiful it made me feel.
I remember the thousands and thousands of miles we traveled together. Many to see Anya, some for small trips or vacations, and many more for our work. I remember our first home together, the old farmhouse that Anya’s mom abandoned. I remember hunting mushrooms and asparagus on that land and picking raspberries, peaches, apples, and pears from those trees.
I remember all of our pets together. Long walks with the labs Drew and Lily and cats Mara and MeiMei all trotting along beside us. I remember Drew and Lily having such great fun with Anya in a kiddie pool on hot summer days. I remember happy frustration over a third sofa being destroyed because Drew sat on the back like a cat. I remember the fire that nearly took down the garage, when that same sofa had sat outside one too many days while I contemplated burning it, and thus caught fire all on it’s own. I remember not one, but two different sets of chickens being picked off one or two at a time, thinking the second time around we are really not good chicken parents.
I remember so many moments. Loving and kind, good tempered and patient. Those are the best moments because those never fade. Holding hands, embraces and kisses. Moments of undivided attention, blessed with God’s love. No matter what happens in our future together, I will always have those good moments in my memory. I will cherish them until my dieing day, may that be many years from now.
May you all find those moments in your memory. May you know love. May you long for more of those moments as much as I do. May you feel your connection to your loved ones and God. May those beautiful memories crowd out any others. May you have more wonderful memories than not. May you find the love for yourself as much as for any other.
Siva Hir Su