It seems I’m having difficulty trusting myself.
It’s not that I don’t ever, but it fluctuates, and with interpersonal relationship hiccups it seems I’m floating in the distrust spectrum. Working on that, but definitely hesitant because of my failures in recent history.
Yet today one of my residents with MS, whom has a very plain-Jane super common American name, told me that her middle name was Reghandi (I’m spelling that based on the sound and my vocabulary awareness). I suspected it was another instance of a resident picking up on a message for me, so I asked staff what her middle name really was. The only problem is that none of them knew her real middle name, or at least that they would relinquish to me. So now I’m not sure.
All I do know is that the last 5 years I thought I was getting better at translating energetic information. Yet nearly every time I say something to someone about what I’m getting, I’m essentially told that I’m completely wrong. For a while I only said things if I was feeling very certain and like I was getting pushed into saying something. Now I can’t even bring myself to do that.
The last few times stung too badly, and I’m gun-shy.
I tell myself that they are either in denial, or that I freaked them out, or that I was scary accurate about something they’d rather hide. It helps to not completely hate on myself, but the doubt is there nonetheless.
So now with things like my lady’s random off the wall comment about her middle name, I’m not sure whether it means anything for real or not.
I now feel like my intuition is a bunch of B-S and I spend all day apologizing to myself and trying to ignore all of my twinges. I have very much withdrawn in a lot of ways, and it’s starting to affect my mood. Of course, not having taken any significant time for me in the last 2 months isn’t helping either. Merh, what can you do?
Finally, I have completely given up on relationships for now. I’ve decided that my heart already gives love to so many people, who could care less, that I’d rather not add any more to that. There’s options for me to do so, but I’m coming to terms with loving things/people that I can’t seem to align with, despite my best efforts. I’d rather just have the ones that are already in my heart, so I’m doing my best to figure out how to release the faulty programming/beliefs that led to this connundrum to begin with. Maybe I can fix the alignment issue and not have to start over. I just don’t know, doubts cloud that as well.
May you all trust your intuition even when you’re told otherwise. May you know what’s good for you and understand energetic input. May you know what to say and how to act with all of it. May you find the alignment you seek. May you feel accepted as yourself. May you feel the love in regards to both yourself and others. May you feel supported.
Siva Hir Su