One step further.

After my last post I did 2 more massages and felt very draggy. It was an additional puzzle piece, noticed by a text conversation with my husband.

It seems I keep noting, through fatigue, a desire to not be the strong one for a bit. I just want someone else to be strong for me for a while. That whole someone rescue me for once.

This desire though seems to be the trigger tripping all of my weaknesses. They are now running rampant in my brain and I need to clear them out again.

The acupuncturist asked me what was wrong and I simply glazed over things with “struggling with my self-image”. She replied “ah to be a woman”.

So between the damn hormones of my gender and my own personal mix of hell, I have quite the mess.

I know my thyroid is skirting the uncomfortable side of high. I was trying to compensate for gluten and dairy, and managed to swing to the other extreme- without medication. It manifested yesterday in feeling a little high, like slight marijuana exposure, but without that herb. Today it has been anxiety and heart palpitations, especially during the workout.

What I don’t get is how I’m running high and still feeling exhausted. Except that I’m horribly overdue for a day of downtime. Tomorrow is mostly that. Restful sleep would also do wonders as my fitness band has not tracked any significant deep-sleep in days.

So for now, I pray that God help me be strong and get some rest, and balance my thyroid again. And I will continue to battle the weaknesses with Abraham techniques.

The one resonating right now is the flip. It’s where you acknowledge that if it feels bad then it is the opposite of what is in your vortex. So by acknowledgement of that you can then reach for something in proximity of the divine version. I’ll start by apologizing for a few of my hindrances.

So:

I’m sorry for needing anyone’s validation. I’m sorry that I lost sight of my inner being for a bit. I’m sorry I desired the condition of others showing their attraction to me, or their love for me. I’m sorry I needed to hear someone say I am beautiful. I’m sorry I forgot what it is like to feel beautiful. I’m sorry I was needy and blinded by negatives. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Now:

Being down about my beauty means that God sees me as beautiful in every way.

Feeling ugly means that I really am beautiful.

Feeling like no one, or only Nathan finds me beautiful, really means that many people find me beautiful. (It’d be nice if they showed it or told me, just sayin’, not a requirement, just appreciated).

Feeling like society standards are unreachable means that somehow they are.

Feeling like I’m pressured to slice myself to meet those standards means that it’s not the only choice.

Feeling like I need to meet those standards really means that God doesn’t expect that and appreciates me exactly the way I already am.

That does feel better. I have a long ways to climb. So, I will acknowledge you get the idea and I will do the rest in my brain, followed with a couple/few rounds of mantra meditation.

It seems my days cycle like this in a much faster loop. I’m not sure if that is a good or bad thing. It just is different than my past.

Fall on something pointy, acknowledge the problem, reach for solution, work towards solution, feel better, repeat. I’m certain that people around probably think I’m crazy, but based on Abraham teachings technically I’m on the right track. It just seems to be a bit of a harsh cycle for me. Abraham swears it gets better the more you do it. I look forward to that.

May you know you’re not alone. May your thought journeys go easier on you. May you feel beautiful and loved. May you know your worth in God’s eyes. May you see your own beauty and worth. May you have a gentle ride and the easy river. May solutions flow easily into your experience. May you have the support of others in your experience. May you climb all of your beliefs up the emotional scale. May you feel your connection and know it is guiding you toward better. May you easily regain that viewpoint when you falter.

Siva Hir Su

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