As I Am

The title is shared with Summer Osborne’s song:

This has been my song on repeat today. My own mantra if you will.

The thyroid storm has cleared but my heart still aches from the others. It still hurts because I listened to it and I was hurt by others actions and words. Now I want to listen, but only if I can avoid more hurts for a while.

Abraham reminded me of how it happened through these 2 emails:

You have more harmony points with every person on the planet than you have disharmony points, because there is much more of you that is in harmony with your Core than you realize or than most of you allow. The closer you come to being in harmony with your Source Energy, the more in harmony you are with each other. When you think about other people and what they think of you, do you understand that what they think of you has very little to do with what you are? It has mostly to do with the habits of thought that they have developed. It has more to do with them as thinkers than it does with you as the subject of their thought. If nothing is more important to you than that you feel good, you can form a fantasy about someone who is in your life and they will begin to modify to meet your fantasy, because Law of Attraction is a very powerful thing.

Excerpted from Asheville, NC, on 9/5/98

Our Love,
Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

A belief that the behavior of others must be controlled—so that your observation of that good behavior will make you feel good—leaves you feeling vulnerable to their behavior.

We would like to help you to understand that neither the good feeling you find when you observe wanted behavior, nor the bad feeling you find when you observe unwanted behavior, is actually the reason that you feel good or bad. The way you feel is only ever about your alignment, or misalignment, with the Source within you. It is only your relationship with the Source within you (with your own Inner Being) that is the reason for the emotions that you feel.

While it is nice to find things in your physical environment that enhance your good-feeling alignment with your Inner Being, your understanding of why you feel good will make it possible for you to feel good regardless of the behavior of others.

Understanding that the way you feel is really about your Vibrational relationship with your Inner Beingwith the Source within you, with the expanded version of you who resides inside your Vortex—gives you complete empowerment and absolute freedom.

Excerpted from Getting into the Vortex Guided Meditation CD and User Guide on 11/1/10

Our Love,
Esther
(and Abraham and Jerry)

It stinks, but all of that boils down to my heart felt their inner being and resonated, but I allowed their habits, their thinking, their behaviors to hurt me. I allowed more hurt.

I don’t hate them, my heart remembers the inner being connection. But I obviously haven’t gotten this shit down enough to avoid more hurt. So I’m stepping back for a bit. It’s me and Nathan and kids, and probably not much else for a while. I have to work, but I’m okay with a bit less of that too, as long as I can pay my bills, feed us, and have a smidgen left over to save.

I love my husband and kids, and they don’t deserve the darkness that I allowed to overshadow things for a while. I will find myself again, and this time perhaps with no-one in mind except myself. I don’t know, it’s so hard to play in my imagination without thinking of anyone else. Everything I enjoy about life involves other things and people. I’m sure going to try though.

I plan on spending every ounce of free time gardening the next couple of weeks because the weather people have said it’s going to stay nice, and the plants already in our yard are in agreement. So all of my seeds and bulbs are going to get planted this week. Because that doesn’t require a ton of thought to accomplish, I will spend the same time daydreaming of things I enjoy, doing my best to leave other people out of that equation. I am more than a good massage therapist or vagina/uterus, and if no-one else sees that then it’s because I haven’t spent enough time acknowledging it for myself.

So daydreams and gardens and allowing myself connection with my inner self. Generally feeling better, that’s my goal.

May you all have moments of feeling better. May you find a way to daydream where you know things can’t go wrong. May you allow yourself enjoyment and love and lack hurts. May you be well.

Siva Hir Su

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