I’m sorry, please forgive me. I have problems I haven’t been able to solve and they’re pinching you off from solving them for me.
My firey passion only seems to hurt those I care about, it doesn’t fix any of the things that bring it out of me in the first place. I haven’t created any good in this world, despite my best efforts. I made 2 babies, but upset them and hurt them even when I try not to, and they trample all over us emotionally, it hurts me. Yet, I have worked so hard to get them a home that I panic at the first sign of uncertainty.
I’m healthy, but not enough to be visible. I still have thyroid stuff and an immune system overreacting (allergies) and I’m fat and have skin stuff I haven’t been able to fix. I really liked how good I looked when Ian was born, but my brain melted down and I couldn’t keep it all together. I looked so healthy but my brain was the opposite. I want to look healthy and have happy brain.
And I work so much, too much. I don’t give myself enough time off because for so long I couldn’t or we wouldn’t have had a home or food. I prayed so many times, but things never got better, so I just worked and worked until they did. Now, even though I am really tired, I can’t stop without completely crashing and upsetting everyone around me.
I want happy mediums so much, but I can never find them. The rare occasion I do, I can’t seem to maintain them long enough to let you in for the healing I so desperately seek.
My shoulders hurt constantly anymore. Like there are knives stabbing me clear through. My pecs are tighter than many body builders but my boobs sag so much that you can’t tell. It makes my upper back ache from the tension pulling my rib cage forward. I can pick up a 230 pound person from a squat, and speed walk for hours, but can’t run more than 2 or 3 minutes at a time. My neck might as well be made of concrete for all I can get my muscles to relax. I haven’t bothered to check on proper curvature because I’m certain it’s less than it should be. The most comfortable position for me is with my head tipped all the way back looking at the ceiling. Despite crunches, squats, planks, and leg lifts my abdominals are still far weaker than I need them for proper posture, so I hurt more frequently than I admit to. Falling last week didn’t help, and I still have yet to figure out how that happened. The bits I remember don’t add up to a fall, it’s like I stepped into a vortex of cartoon laws of physics.
I want to trade every 3 weeks like I used to with Becky, but I can’t find anyone reliable and good like we were, let alone willing to trade. Let alone a 90min trade, enough to fix all my aches and pains.
Then all this is just my stuff. Just a little scared girl in a big woman’s body. And I’m surrounded by people that are in such similar straights they melt down over another disease and try to do the impossible, which makes every element of life even harder and more stressful. I feel so stupid asking God for help again, when the whole world needs it more than I do. But it scares me that I feel like I’m the most logical level headed person in Kansas City right now. If I’m the most logical person, then I feel like we’re really in trouble in a big way. Even people in charge are melting down. That’s really, really scary, way scarier than the stupid virus is.
Please, maybe there’s a way around all of it. I don’t want to live in this world if I am the most sane person in it, because I know I’m not that sane. It’d be one thing if I had healed my brain, but I haven’t yet. I don’t want to be in charge, but the people that are, are screwing up everything really fast. I don’t have any answers anymore, I’ve run out of my list of things to try. I want you to help the world, but if there’s any time left I could use some help too. Or maybe it’s just my time to go.
I don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore. I give up God. Please help us all. Please help humanity regain reason and calm. Please help me heal the parts I’ve been unable to. I’ve gotten so far, and now I’m stuck. I want my body to stop hurting. I want my brain to find balance. I want to be all the way healthy. But none of that means a lick of anything if society keeps being so rediculous crazy. There’s no reason to stay in a world that has lost every shred of practical awareness and concern for more than just living versus dieing. Dieing would literally be better than staying in this chaotic craziness. I give up. Please just help in any way you can God. Thank you and I love you.