All that is, ever has been, and ever will be.

That’s one of many descriptions, definitions if you will, of God. The weight of that statement carries with it the finite nature of the infinite creator. If God is all of that then he’s literally seen everything, experienced everything. He’s bored.

So today I wished I could change that for God. Today I wished I could do something so radically different it would surprise even the divine.

I did not want that just for me, but truly for God because I had a moment where everything was not just feeling the same, but that I felt any choice I made would bring more of the same in guise of something different. I realized that God is probably saying the same thing: I could do that, but it’ll just bring more ___.

One thing is for certain, if I die this year, it won’t be because of covid19. There are far larger fish to fry in my sea. No it’ll be because of a sense of completeness.

I thought about how many diseases God has experienced. I thought about humanity itself. There is a finite number, albeit extremely massive, of the ways genes can combine to create a body. That means that over millennia my body has existed probably several times over. Hell there’s probably been two or three of me that even had similar energetic junk to deal with. So God has literally seen it all. There are no more surprises. Thanks Battlestar Galactica for that bit of knowing.

I felt a sense of resignation with all of that. I don’t know what that’ll translate into. I have not experienced even an infintesimal fraction of what God has, but yet I am seeing how most any decision I make will bring more of the same in guise of different. There is no right answer.

All I do know is that I wish for more for God, for good for God, for something for God to look forward to. I don’t have an answer for myself, so I have no idea how to accomplish that, but it’s in my vortex now.

What I do know is I don’t like this world we’re in right now. My quality of life has plummeted, mostly from a sense that my profession though massively helpful in many ways is now seen as risky simply because I touch people. Even though massage has repeatedly been shown to lower stress levels and boost the immune system, I am seen as non-essential. The relaxation and stress reduction I provide is only acknowledged when people hit max density, instead of much sooner when it is best at preventing problems and illness. I could sanitize every surface every hour, even walls, and people would still avoid my service out of fear. The resulting ripple in my ability to support my family doesn’t help any.

I’ve heard of several people committing suicide this week and I’ve already been fighting off the desire myself. The solution has already begun to be far worse than the disease itself. What good is it to save lives from a virus to have them lost to suicide and crime resulting from the solution. I will do my best to stay buoyant and to keep reaching for better regardless, and will do my best to maintain the shreds of my quality of life through my art and music and meditations.

What I do know is I have hit my limits for wanting to solve anything myself. I have lost earthly desire. I do know that thanks to the chiropractor and kinesiology, I have a few things to eliminate from my diet (again). But God knew that would happen too.

I had a sense that God is sitting there listing off dismisally: ants go do ant things, birds do bird things,…,…, Humans go do human things….

It might catch him off guard if humans started acting like birds. Just sayin’.

What if we just started with “love thy neighbor” instead of stay 6 feet from anyone. How about instead of don’t touch, we demonstrated confident kindness and compassion. How about instead of taking for granted the portion of society that has the luxury to be able to work from home, we rallied for those that can’t. How about recognizing that everything in this world exists because it was essential to someone at some point- it wouldn’t have continued if it weren’t essential for many. How about instead of shunning others for everything perceived as negative we take a moment to reach for compassionate understanding of how they might have gotten there.

May we all love our fellow humans, may we act more like wildlife and go with the flow of life. May we all find brighter more loving linings. May we find a way to surprise and delight God. May we put God first in all of our decisions and stop trying to be God. May we all see the repetitions with fresh eyes and better perspective. May we all find better solutions.

Siva Hir Su

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